Auld Lang Syne

December, 2006... My fiance-turning husband on the 29th wanted me to experience New Years in the Netherlands. He told me about the amazing fireworks. I'm American - when I think of amazing fireworks, I think of a HUGE, spectacular display put on by the city... something where we grab chairs and blankets and snacks and find a nice patch of grass to sit on so we can watch. But when we stopped off at a fireworks stand, I started to get worried.... why are we buying all these fireworks if there's already a big show we're gonna see? The husband says "no... not a big show... WE make the big show!" I was horrified... My first new years in Europe. I was expecting Paris or London with thousands of people and a fireworks show to remember... I didn't argue - we were going to be with his cousins, and his family, and who was I to make a fuss as the new wife?

Fast forward to New Years Eve... there are 14 of us, packed into a tiny, 3 bedroom apartment in Holland. There is food... there is laughter... there is music on the TV... there are people in the streets, popping firecrackers. There's still a slight bit of disappointment in my heart... I wanted that AMAZING display of fireworks somewhere in Europe... with my new husband. If I remember correctly, Stevie couldn't even enjoy the evening because she started puking long before midnight :( The hours dragged on... laughter... music... family... food...

11pm approaches. The boys (young AND old) were getting antsy... they were in and out of the house, setting off noisemakers and bright flames. Neighbors were pre-toasting the coming year. I was cold - running in and out, between fireworks and checking on Stevie. Midnight was coming soon... we all rushed inside to wait for the countdown on TV...

I'm not sure of the EXACT moment - but somewhere in the madness of countdowns and "cheers", Nico grabbed my hand and we started walking. We walked up to the street corner, and right at midnight we kissed underneath the streetlamp... surrounded in billions of fireworks. All of my disappointment washed away! After we kissed, we stood, embracing on the street corner, and looked out at all of the fireworks. I can't even explain it! They were everywhere... not a blank spot in the skyline that surrounded us. It was magical.

I soaked up the moment for a bit, then I ran back to the house and upstairs to check on Stevie again... Someone had gone upstairs and opened the curtains for her so she could admire the beauty from the bed :) I sat with her for a moment... ringing in a brand new year with her, too. My little family of 3.

That was our tradition for ... several years. Last year, we transitioned back to the states from Europe and I was so disappointed in New Years Eve... It was Stevie and I who were left standing, and we watched the ball drop on TV. I got up, we hugged... then we went to bed. This year, I was in a last minute dash to make SOME kind of plan! However, I got burned out trying to throw it all together... I was trying to resort to wanting something huge, rather than appreciating something simple... what means more than family?

So today - Nico and I drove out to the fireworks stand and bought 2 small packages of fun and a handful of sparklers... we'll find SOMETHING to do to drive us through midnight, and we'll ring in the new year... together... :) I may not have my street corner in the Netherlands, surrounded by billions of fireworks - but I WILL still have that same awesome man to kiss at midnight.

Here's to new traditions!

Seven

You ever seen Titanic? You know the end of the movie when Rose and Jack are standing on the back of the sinking ship.... and then they get pulled under and they get sucked down even farther? And they're ripping and pulling at each other and trying hard to swim for the surface? (yeah... that's been me and my love this last year!) I think we're FINALLY at that part of the movie where I'm all nice and "warm" floating on the door, and I'm holding on to him so he doesn't drift away... Really hope that rescue boat shows up soon :)

No, seriously... this year was a major trial in our marriage. Through my wide range of emotions (happy about leaving the Air Force, sad about leaving Germany, devastated to be leaving our European family, excited to be coming "home"...) he has remained the same... he's been my rock... my shield... my direction... my comfort...

I couldn't possibly cover every detail that was our last year. The paperwork... the embassy in Frankfurt to line up his visa so that he could come to the states WITH us (and not have to wait and join us later.) The actual process of moving. Getting 3 kids ready. Shipping 2 cats, and a car... packing up our entire house in 3 days. Finding a new place to live... finding a school for the girls... All while dealing with selling my aunt's house, and hiring another lawyer to finalize our stepparent adoption wishes (Nico became Stevie's father this year!)

He got his first job in 6 years this year :) I was SO HAPPY that he was able to get out of the house and be with other men and do man stuff! haha... I started missing my love... he was working 60+ hours a week... and slowly, he was making less and less money (after taxes and insurance.) So together, we decided to jump that ship and put him through truck driving school. Now, we patiently wait for the right opportunities!

He mows the lawn. He cooks the food. He hammers the nails when I need something put up. There isn't anything that I've asked of him that he hasn't done for me. I'm human... I take him for granted. I hope, with all that I am, that he knows just how much I love and appreciate him.... for the father that he is to our girls... and for the husband that he is to me.

7 years... nothing itches... Happy Anniversary!

Blah Blah Blah...

What's with all the excuses in peoples lives? You know why I miss Germany? Because their weren't any excuses. Family was family and we traveled for one another and we celebrated birthdays and holidays together because that's what families do. We planned summer vacation time together and we spend TIME together - because it was enjoyable and fun.

Fast forward to present day America.

*pointing fingers...*

You can't come because you live too far away and you never have time off from work.

You can't come because your husband is too tired.

You can't come because... just because.

You can't come because you have automobile issues.

You can come to San Angelo... but your schedule is too busy to fit in a quick visit to see me.

You can't come because you don't feel good. You've got to babysit. You've got too much stuff to do.

You can't come because you have kids.

....aaaaaand I don't even hear the rest. It's all blah, blah, blah. If it's important to you, you'll find a way... and if I'm not important to you - then it's ok to let you go. Just because you're not in my life doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means that I'm sick of waiting.

Everything

I sat here today, and had an epiphany. I take my life for granted, every single day. And no, this isn't a post about how I'm going to change and try harder or do better or act differently about anything. I'm still going to live just exactly as I am. But I REALIZED... sitting on this couch... that I have everything.

I looked up, and out the window. I stared at the icicle lights hanging on the front of the house, and I smiled... knowing that my awesome husband came home from school the other day and hung those for me. My eyes flashed across the room to the Christmas tree, neatly decorated and my heart smiled and warmed as I took in the moments that my family and I have spent decorating that thing, year after year. Grumbling as the littles don't spread out the ornaments... snapping as the lights burn out and leave 1/2 a pre-lit tree, NOT lit! But here it is now, in all it's Christmas glory... decorated and twinkling and warming my heart!

I looked on the wall, at the shadows of my children jumping on the trampoline out back. Kids. Mine. 3. Healthy. Happy. STUBBORN! Laughing. Warm. Fed.

I sit here now, alone in this living room with my twinkling tree... a cat curled up on the ottoman - protected from the winter temps, warm. The dog is sprawled under the Christmas tree, snoring and twitching as he dreams of chasing... birds, perhaps?

I look around this room... at the things we have acquired. Lego projects, board games, books, DVDs, furniture... a kitchen table that sits silent, hours after dinner is through. The tick of the clock in the kitchen... like a pulse, reminding me that I am still living and this is my life and I have EVERYTHING.

I complain. I do. I whine, and I'm sometimes sad and depressed and I miss my old life from time to time... and I miss Europe tremendously - but one thing is certain in life, and that is that life goes on! I embrace what I have now and I'm SO GRATEFUL to know that every new hour that I visit... I do it with EVERYTHING. A husband. Children. Pets. Things. A warm heart. A breath. A full belly.

I'm rambling. This post is more for me :) so that I can go back when necessary and remind myself that I SAW it today. And for the first time, in a long time... I was me :) Happy. and free.

11/5, 9, 23, 12, 50, 52, 79

11/5/50 - Victoria Lynn Stroud was born. 07/18/2010, Victoria Lynn Taylor passed away. 59.5 years was just a breath in time. Yet, in these years, the greatest woman who EVER LIVED touched the lives of so many people. The depths of her love... the beauty of her smile... I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful she was.

11/23/1952 - Steven Douglas Stroud was born. 05/26/1996, Steven Douglas Stroud passed away. 43.5 years. That's it? He didn't get to see his daughter graduate from high school. He didn't get to walk her down any aisles for her wedding... he's never bounced his grandchildren on his knee. 43.5 years that was far from a breath in time. It was a gasp for air, a struggle for life. He was robbed of SO MUCH. (Happy Birthday, my daddy!)

11/9/1979 - Jennifer Nicole Stroud was born. 12/29/2006 - Jennifer Nicole Stroud became Jennifer Nicole Durgeat. Let us celebrate the months of November and December - for great things happened in these months!

11. November. The month of great birthdays we can no longer celebrate. Days filled with silence. No one to call or send cards to. Thanksgiving. A house in Wimberley with new people under it's roof. A barn with new animals in it. Someone else's memories.

12. December. The end of another year. Christmas. A month to celebrate new beginnings. New last names. New family. New traditions. Decorations and warmth from cold. A reason to smile.

It's In That Moment...

I tried to find a photo to portray the feelings that go with this post, but after a few moments of searching I came to quickly realize that you can't take a picture of this. . . 

It's in that moment, when the air is crisp and cold, the month is November, and the grass begins to fade to yellow that nostalgia overwhelms me and I'm taken back to my childhood and my favorite time of year. My aunt's birthday is 5 November. My birthday is 9 November. My dad's birthday is 23 November. Thanksgiving. Turkey. Jackets. Watching your warm breath turn to fog on a cold morning. Decorating for Christmas. Hunting season. Fireplaces. Sitting next to my daddy in his truck, counting deer on the side of the road on a sunset drive.

I'll never stop missing you.

2 + 1 = 5... and then some.

In 2002, I was young, and selfish, and promiscuous, and careless, and all of that led to Stevie Lynn. I will NEVER think of her as a mistake. She obviously wasn't an accident, either... I mean, I didn't try to prevent it, so that's not an accident hehe... Little did I know, that she would be my blessing. She would be the direction I needed to turn my life around... my reason to live... an endless supply of love, in such a little body!

Single parenting was never hard, physically. You don't need 2 to name a baby... or feed it... or change it's diaper... or give it a bath. I held her, and dressed her, and put her to sleep. I LOVED her! (I still do.) The hardest part of single parenting? To this day, the hardest part was witnessing those wonderful firsts... The first smiles, the first steps, the first teeth, the first giggles... and having no one to share them with. It was too much love to keep all to myself, but she would do something and I'd look around and there was no one... so I'd have a small pain in my heart... because it was about to explode with happiness.

It was me and Stevie for 3 years. Then, one day, God saw someone who needed us just as much as we needed him... and so we became 3. Our Nico... and we batted an eyelash and became 5... with Ava and Victoria. Since Stevie was 3.5, she's ever only known Nicolas as her daddy. Tomorrow, she turns 11. Tomorrow, her world now, and her past as she's known it, will change forever. Tomorrow, on paper, she'll take her daddy's last name. He'll go from being her stepfather to her father. We'll be erasing that thin line that has separated our family. 2 + 1 = 5.

It's like marrying him all over again. 

This joy inside... it's eternal.

What's Good for the...

There's a quote out there... "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." It can be applied to a million different people and situations... but I don't necessarily believe it.

World peace? Achievable only when the world realizes that what's good for the goose doesn't necessarily have to even APPLY to the gander. I haven't been to as many countries as some... but I've been to a few. I haven't just VISITED these places, but I've had the opportunity to live in them... I've had the chance to understand the ways of life of many a different people. Just because Americans live in greed - bigger is better, more is great - doesn't mean that everyone else in the world wants or needs the same. Eliminate material things from all living beings, and you'll find that we all bleed the same. We are all comforted by another sunrise, and we all expect another at day's end. We all want love. We all want food. Everything else is just preference. Depending on where in the world you live, these preferences are different.

After having lived 6 years in the gorgeous, enchanted forests of Germany... I prefer landscape. Settling in Texas has been so hard, as I gave up my rolling hills and pine trees for flat desert and mesquite. The only thing comforting about where I'm living now, is it's home. It's where I grew up. If I didn't have roots here - I'd be living in the wilds of Alaska somewhere. What do I prefer now? An old home... 2-3 stories, with stairs and wood floors and the smell of history in the creaks of the floors. I want my children to have fun exploring a new house that is ours. I want to live in a small town. I want to drink iced tea on my back porch swing. I want to walk the dog at sunset and fall asleep cuddled up tight next to my husband. I want to feel safe. (notice... I never said I wanted to be rich.)

When I was a single mother, I spoiled the crap out of my oldest daughter. I bought her so much stuff that she stopped appreciating any of it and started expecting it. I couldn't see this because I was living with it. I was creating a demon. It wasn't until she received a baby doll from Nico's grandfather and she didn't say "thank you" did it hit me that I was wrong! I was wrong to buy her something every time she asked. I was wrong to think that material things would make up for the fact that she didn't have a dad.

For 12 years, I lived to work. I woke up every morning and went to work and came home at the end of every day. (except for the countless times I was TDY or deployed and couldn't go home at the end of the day.) On the 1st and 15th of every month of those 12 years, I received my loyal paycheck. Steadily increasing amounts over time. I took pride in doing the math, and after 12 years, I was making between $15 and $20 an hour. I couldn't say exactly, I was paid in salary. I had 30 days off a year, that I could save through the next year and take 2 months if I wanted. My health insurance was fully paid for. The only worry in the world was my life - what if I had to go somewhere that prevented me from ever coming back home to my husband or kids?

Who would leave THAT job, right? Security... comradery... I'll be the first to tell you it's not glamorous. The bullshit that goes on behind those closed doors became too much for me to deal with.

It's scary... It's scary to set aside logic and reasoning and follow your heart. Why shouldn't I take the advice of friends who have "been there and done that?" Especially if they're successful! I shouldn't, because this is my life. It's my gift from my God and I have to see where it takes me. I've been extremely blessed in my life because I was never one to follow the pack, for very long anyway. So what if there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that I chase? Whatever happened to dancing? Are the geese really free?

It Lingers On...

Twice, recently, I've run into a high school classmate out in the community. We're civil to one another, stopping to say hello. However, both times, there was a burning rage, deep in my gut that I couldn't ignore. This classmate was one of "them." The mean girls...

Maybe I did have friends in school. That's not what stands out in my memory, though. I remember as a young child, having my "best friend" tell me that she couldn't hang out with me anymore because I wasn't popular and she didn't want me to ruin it for her. I remember walking into a large lunchroom and being told that I wasn't allowed to sit at a certain table... so I had to eat alone. I remember constantly being made fun of for the clothes that I wore and the way that I wore them.

I remember calling the leader of the mean girls one year, before school started, and asking her if I could be one of them. I don't think she truly understood what I was asking. She told me to ask one of the other mean girls, so I did... and they laughed, as they said no.

I remember being forced into going to one of the mean girl's houses because we had to meet up for band practice. I sat and endured an awful experience as they purposefully set me aside and tried to talk me out of being in the drum section because I wasn't good enough to be with them.

I remember having a dog for a best friend because people were cruel. I remember those people making fun of me for finding love in a dog. I remember being called a dog. I remember the mean boys barking at me everytime they saw me in the hall.

Oh, how I wish I could forget. I've moved past all of it. I REALLY wish that I could have known then what I know now. How it was all just petty, childish bullshit... that I was a BEAUTIFUL child and I didn't deserve what they dished out to me. That the clothes were the product of a fashion-blind parent. That the boys were stupid, and so were the mean girls. I wish I'd known that some of the mean girls would grow up to be fat. (this makes me giggle, even if I'm fat too!)

I hope that my own children don't hate me for trying hard to protect them. For making sure that they know how to match their clothes, and that they don't wear their pants too high, and that they're long enough. For showing them how to brush their hair so kids don't laugh. For making sure that nothing stands out that will attract negative attention... but most important, for teaching them how to stand up for themselves and to brush off the UNIMPORTANT opinions of kids around them. For the whole "stop bullying" movement going on in the world is never going to happen... it's human nature.

Mindless Rambling

It's quiet in my house. It's raining outside, and I'm listening to some darn good music. (so I guess it's not quiet, right?) Let me rephrase... Victoria is SLEEPING. The Civil Wars is blasting in my ears... Poison and Wine. Thank you, Shalayne!

I feel... something. Not anger or sadness, nor happiness, nor... it's just SOMETHING. Nostalgic? a bit of everything?

The rain has me missing Germany. Not SAD for it. a bit homesick. I can't even begin to tell you how I really soaked up every INCH of that place. I took so many long, beautiful drives through the countryside and just wanted to jump out of the car and park myself in the forest and just "be." Like a time lapse video, just soaking up the sun from rise to set. Shooting stars all around, the rotation of the Earth... hawks flying overhead, the grass turning from green to yellow and back to green. I took it all in. I smelled the dew and I tasted the snow and I hiked under the falling leaves and I cried SO HARD when I had to leave. My teeth clinched involuntarily and my sides hurt and I cried so hard! That was my first home as a married woman. That was where I brought 2 more babies into the world. My family is in Europe. My family was 5 hours away, by car.

I'm a bit angry too... for Nico. He's been working his ass off and trying so hard to prove that he's worth more than he makes. He jumped into this company he works for, with both feet - not wanting to let down the family friend who brought him in. He designed this elaborate database to help organize things, and tried to show the owners how they could drastically improve in every aspect of operation. They didn't care to listen. He's gone above and beyond to not only do HIS job, but end up doing the jobs of others because they just don't work like he does. 2 different supervisors have gone to the owners about getting him a pay raise and each time they're told "yes, we'll see what we can do." But today  marks another payday where there is no change. It's beyond ridiculous. Especially when you hear the "behind the scenes" of the people who work alongside him that make more than he does... and do way less.

I'm happy! Stevie brought home her first progress report and it was all high A's and one high B. (science.) She's able to finish her homework during school, so all she has to do at home as spend 20-30 minutes practicing her instrument for band and do her chores and the rest of the day is hers!

Victoria has kicked potty training in the butt! We went yesterday to her old daycare and donated the rest of her diapers and pullups to other kids who could use them.

Ava started kindergarten and has changed completely. When she smiles, she has "big girl" teeth shining through. When she talks, she has the personality and attitude reflecting from the different friends she hangs out with in the afternoons. She's my athlete... first t-ball and now soccer. If we pass a playing field and she sees others, her eyes light up with curiosity as if she's wondering "I wonder if I can do that someday!?"

I went walking in the rain yesterday. I took Ledger, like usual. I wore my Crocs on purpose... Every puddle we came to, I let myself revert back to my childhood and I splashed as hard as I could! My life slowed down a bit each time! I'd splash, and Ledger would twist and flip and open his mouth wide, trying to catch all the water that would jump from the puddles! When we'd keep walking, he'd reach up and take my hand in his mouth... I wonder if that's his "thank you" for the fun he was having :)

At the end of long days, when we're turning in for bed... the best feeling ever is being greeted by my aunt's cat - waiting on my side of the bed for her end-of-day ear scratch. I walk in the room and she meows with excitement. I climb under the covers and she curls up beside me, one leg hanging off the bed, and falls asleep with my hand under her head. I smile to myself as I remember ALL the cats that belonged to her over time, and how I always tried hard to befriend them and they were always "her" cats and they hated everyone else... I finally won one over!

I'm done rambling.

Someone, and then...

Jackpot! The gold at the end of the rainbow, following the long storm. Something found, once thought gone forever. A VHS tape, about 30 minutes long. Snippets of my vacation to my aunt's house when I was a young girl. My uncle is videotaping... I'm sporting what might be the WORST hairstyle I ever had as a child. . . and Vicki is young. She's in a bikini for much of it, with her hair tied back out of her face. Sunbathing. Outdoors. In her yard, in Wimberley. There are horses... Dakota, Pretzel, Buckshot, Arbol, Festus... dogs - Yoda, Blutus, Jaybo... my father graced us with his presence for at least 5 minutes of pure bliss. I stared so hard at the TV, never blinking - not wanting to miss a second.

The harder I stared at these images... the more confused I became. These people were in my life. They were the most important people I've ever known, ever loved... more than everything. And then? now? Dust... remnants of Earth. Their soul, just a breath that has gone away. For so many years, they filled time with laughter and beauty.... and just like that - away.

They touched so many lives... like meteors that fell to the Earth from the sky - they left craters behind. One of them is smack dab in the middle of my chest! Did people know that this angel would leave us? Is that why there are thousands of pictures of her? She was so spectacular that so many people saw her and knew her and remember her just the same way... this bright, shining light. They flocked to her. They looked up to her. They gathered strength and courage and guidance from her. These people - they all mourn the same. Like moths, fluttering around a porch light that has been turned off. Where does the warmth come from now?

The Measure of Success

How do you measure success? How have I measured it? What is the definition of successful? Are you successful because you visited every country in the world, and have a trove of treasures to show for it? Have you succeeded by climbing the corporate ladder and securing your place on the throne at the top? Did you find success in paying all of your debts and saving thousands or millions of dollars? Perhaps your success is shown in the quality of things you own... a large house, luxury vehicles, genuine leather sofas, etc...

I won't lie... I thought success was a collaboration of all of the above. Working hard and acquiring. Acquiring things, and people, and experiences. I'm an American - more is better right? More room, more choice, more freedom, more money, more food, more fun! Except, now I find myself in between a rock and a hard place... where I've been conditioned to want MORE, but I don't have the money to support that desire. My husband makes just enough to keep us living comfortably. Now, I must change my definition of success. So I sit here and wonder how, and what... what is success?

As I close my eyes, and breathe... I find that nowhere in the previously mentioned measures, was HAPPINESS mentioned. You have to work to afford to travel. You have to work to pay debts. You have to work to save money, and to spend it. Unless you're lucky enough to win the lottery... but even then - why does success have to revolve around money? No... I'm trying hard to focus my energies on happiness... measuring my success by the peace in my heart... diminishing stress in my life. Keeping things in order, and helping my children to define and achieve their own measures of success.

Every day is a clean slate for me. Success is when I wake up and I'm happy, not too tired. Success is that "perfect" day when nothing goes wrong. When I have all the patience in the world for the kids... when I make all the beds, the laundry is done, and the dishes are cleaned. Success is 230pm, when the baby that I keep goes home to her mother, and I can focus on the end of my day. It's being on time to soccer practice, not burning dinner, walking the dog, bathing the kids and getting them to bed on time before school. Success is found in love... and in laughter... and in light... and it's all around me, every day - no matter what type of couch I sit on, where I go for summer vacation, or what clothes I have picked out to wear tomorrow.

Now... to remind myself of this EVERY day... especially when I'm feeling less than stellar for having quit the military and being stuck at home on the "not so successful" days, surrounded by heathens and wishing I was in Iraq for 6 months instead. :P (although, those days are few and far between.)

The best feeling... is looking around at what I do have, the places that I have been, and the family that surrounds me now - knowing that no matter what... from this day forward... I am successful.

Why do we search?

Greener grass... greener pastures... hell, I came back to TX cause I missed the crunch of the yellow grass in the winter. Now it's summer, and I'm still crunching yellow grass - and I miss Germany so bad that my heart hurts. I miss the wet pavement, and the damp air, and the smell of the pine. I miss my German friends... I miss my family.

I came back to Texas because I wanted my children to experience things that I did when growing up. I grew up 30 years ago. Things aren't the same now that they were then.

I came back to Texas to reconnect with old friends. The excuses were easier to accept when I lived in Europe.

So I google "how to live in Germany... or France... or Luxembourg." International schools for my children would be approx 60,000 euro per year. Not possible. I looked for houses to buy in Paris. HAHAH!!! Not possible.

I thought maybe England? then I just get consumed in all the things I don't know... cost of moving. Cost of living. Cats. Dogs. Kids.... possible, but not.

If it's pine and rain I miss... would Oregon suffice? What about Georgia? So I search for homes for sale in Georgia and WOW! Mansions in the price range we can afford... then I look at job opportunities and find nothing in the fields that my husband and I are qualified for.

Why Europe? Why not Turkey or Israel or ... or any of the other places I've been to and experienced with my whole heart? It feels like EVERY place I've lived in or been to, I've drank it up. Tasted every ounce of all it had to offer. Missed them so bad it hurt, every time I had to leave them.

So where then... if I'm not happy in this place, at this moment... where, or what would make it all better?

More than just a coincidence...

3 years and 1 day ago, my Aunt Victoria (or Vicki... or Aunt V) passed away. That sounds like a simple line - one that has been said many, MANY times over by people all over the world. But did their aunts mean as much to them as mine did to me?

My family has been erased by cancer. With every step that I take, another step has been erased behind me. After my aunt passed away, I was SUPPOSED to get her house. Not because I'm greedy, and spoiled... but because I'm the only person left on our side of the family. Because that house was the one place on Earth that I had left that held my childhood memories... After she died, the people that I thought I knew, changed... greed took over. Emotions turned into money. I was shattered to learn that what should have been mine was being stripped away... erased. There was nothing I could do about it. Except - get a lawyer! So that's what I did. The first one that I was referred to, I called. The assistant who answered his phone, was named Victoria.

It's not too much coincidence yet. Plenty of people in the world named Victoria, right?

So 3 years go by... legal squabbles, and we finally reach a settlement agreement. The house goes on the market and we receive 5 offers within a week. I visited, walked from room to room and said my personal goodbyes. I made peace with my anger and found much closure in letting it all go.

3 years to the DAY, the house closes. I was rushed to get paperwork notarized and fed-ex'd back to the title company. I got home from work, late... and frantically googled notaries in the city, hoping to find one who could help me that night. I called several, and got no answer. I called a lady who lived across town and was trying to talk to her and set up an appt, but her phone started cutting out (there was a bad rainstorm going on.) As I sat, waiting for a better connection, my phone chimed with a voice message. I hung up with the lady I was talking to, couldn't hear her anyway. I called the other notary back who'd just left the voice message. I went to her house soon after - she lived just up the road from me.

Here's the part where it gets a bit unbelievable...

The notary, who left a voice message at the exact time that the other lady's phone cut out - her name was Victoria... Victoria Ray Neace. She was short. She had hands like Vicki's... and she wore her lipstick - just like Vicki!

Coincidence because my own daughter is named Victoria Raye. Coincidence because we are Vicki's nieces... Coincidence because there was a Victoria at the start of this journey, and one at the very end.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind or my heart that my aunt was speaking to me through these series of events and people.

Leap of Faith

We said hello in 1998. They were typed words on computers that were thousands of miles apart. One in Texas... one in Paris, France. In 2005, we acted unpredictably and decided to bridge the gap between us... Nicolas flew to Shreveport to meet me in person. The connection was immediate. The longing when he was gone was unbearable. He came back a month later. He left, 2 weeks after that.

I could explain the crazy whirlwhind that our relationship became over the next 6 months... January-June of 2006. I SHOULD explain it, and maybe I will, eventually. Our relationship encountered much more than any other relationship should. It was one of the biggest tests of my life. In the end, I put it in God's hands and I let Him guide me home.

This day, 7 years ago, the following conversation happened online.

Jen: if I was there... if I was in front of you right now, holding both your hands and looking into your face and I said "marry me." what would you say?

Nico: i ll jump

Nico: oui

Jen: jump where?

Nico: to the unknown

Jen: why?

Nico: because i want it ...

Jen: so then let me ask again now... is it all or nothing?

Nico: i can't let it turn to nothing ... so it is all , because i feel it

It wasn't the actual proposal. Nico proposed to me in May, at my aunt's house... but I was far from ready. I can tell you here, and now... before the world... I hurt him! We hurt one another, deeply. But we overcame that and found such love and happiness within this life that we've built together. 

The conversation, posted above... what I asked Nico on that day... is what God may as well have been asking me. Am I ready to jump? Can I give up who I was and trust Him to guide me into who I am to become? My life changed forever that day. Not on the day we met... not on the day that we married... not on the days we had our children. It started with that leap of faith... holding hands and agreeing to do this thing. For life, baby!

Facing the Finale

She died 3 years ago, next month. I've written posts about how I've stared off into the horizon and thought that if I mustered all my strength and walked the greatest distance - she'd be there... on the top of that hill WAY over there! Still within my reach, it would just take me looking inside myself to find the strength to get there.

I've accepted her death. It was inevitable... cancer was eating her face. She was a very proud woman - a beautiful woman! I'm so angry that she had to die in such a horrible way. . . Of all the times she's hung upside down on a horse, or stood on top of one that was running at top speed - and she died of cancer?! Just doesn't seem fair.

I was at peace with my decision to sell her home. My home. The place where my childhood memories are locked away. The greatest place on Earth. It recently went on the market, and within 2 days we had 5 offers on the place. What's not to love? The best house in the world sitting in the best spot in the world... owned by the greatest person - in. the. world. With the knowledge that this place will soon be gone forever, I packed up the girls, and my friend Monica, and we drove down to Wimberley to gather a few things and find me some closure.

I tried hard not to think about it for the most part. I'm a very private person when it comes to emotion and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to see the ugly cry. As we got closer to Wimberley, the familiar roads came into view and the past came rushing in. The valleys, the winding roads, the hillside mansions... the crystal, clear water. I met Vicki's friends Cheri and Mickey for lunch. I drove with them out to Vicki's. Cheri was in front of us, and Mickey was behind - and for a brief moment it felt like a funeral procession... I was surrounded in the best support! As I pulled up to Thompson Ranch Road and saw the sign and turned right, my hand came up to my mouth involuntarily and I just had to hold my breath. If life had a remote - I would have hit fast forward at that point. I took a deep breath and dove into telling happy stories to Monica so that I wouldn't lose it.

As we rounded the last curve before the straight stretch of road that leads to her gate, my heart sank again... up on the hill, her gate came into view. The gate that I'd longed for all those years, as a child. The tears fell. We pulled into the driveway and up to the house and everything was just... empty. . . I got out and encouraged the children to go with everyone else to play in the yard, and asked for a bit of time alone in the house.

I walked in and practically ran to the guest room - the only place where no one could see me sobbing. I grabbed my sides and cried so hard as I stood in that empty room. I stared out at the empty living room and at the stone fireplace and kept saying "I'm so sorry" over and over again... I'm sorry she's gone... I'm sorry that we're losing this house... I'm sorry that the animals died... I'm sorry that there will be no more memories made with her... that my children will never know her like I did... I'm so sorry...

I walked slowly, room to room and took in all that I could. Photographs with the mind of every inch, ever wall, every door, every window. I opened and closed the doors to try to memorize the familiar squeak in the hinges. I opened cabinets and snooped in places I'd always wanted to but never could. I crawled in the attic. I went to the barn. I stood on the porch and stared out at the silence. When everyone was done running through the house and picking through the last of her things - I sent them out again... it was just me and Baby Blue Eyes (her cat) left in the house. I walked back to the guest room and cried some more, and then I took my last picture.

This is the end...

After this, I locked the door behind me, loaded up the cat, and drove to the hotel for the night. My heart was shattered as I drove away. I was afraid for the cat - leaving the people it's known for so long...embarking on a totally new journey that it didn't ask for. I was afraid for me. Now what? Now what?...

Remembering...

With great sadness, I'm taking a moment to collect memories from my childhood - all available within the walls of my aunt's home, which is now up for sale after a 3 year legal battle. I saved these photos from trulia.com, and will cherish them forever... visible proof that this time in my life once existed.

 This was the finish line of a 4 hour drive on major holidays. Vicki lived at the end of a long, dirt road (until they paved it) and the gate was visible from the bottom of a hill, under a grove of trees. This gate sits on the top of a hill, like a grand entrance! My dad and I both got so excited when we'd see this finish line! Vicki took such pride in her entryway... She was so proud of the "End of the Trail" addition on the top!

 The front porch. Just seeing the picture makes me cry. She's supposed to be here, flinging the front door open, arms outstretched and a big smile on her face to welcome us home. The cat bed is missing now... Prissy, Baby Blue Eyes, Huggy Bear... they all use to eat on a shelf just under the kitchen window, above the red bench. That closed door though - knowing that it will never open, again. My heart is locked inside it...

 The back porch. I used to love sitting on that swing with her, or my daddy, and looking out over the valleys and oaks at a beautiful sunset. We could see deer grazing in the bottom of the pasture from here. I miss the click of the dogs claws on the wood as they'd pitter back and forth. The squeak of the hinges on the back door as it would open and close... signs of wear on a house so full of love.

 This picture is probably the most painful of all to see. We shared so many holidays in this room. The corner, where the light is coming in... she had an ancient exercise bike - and I was so proud of myself for logging 7 miles on that thing one night, out of boredom! The TV went in the corner on the left. Stockings used to hang from the chimney... Pictures of horses and Southwestern stuff hung on the walls. Jobee, her dog, was often draped across the couch. Fire would crackle in the fireplace on cold winter nights. A fresh cedar tree would accent the living room during Christmas, filling the air with that sweet scent... She'd often be with her coffee, next to the fire, with a Boston by her side.

 Dog and cat food in the door on the right. Canned veggies and groceries in the door in the middle. A fridge that housed the famous "Cold Wimberley Milk" that was perfect with the best bubbles on the top. The kitchen where I refused to eat her pizza because there were tiny flakes of parsley on it. The room where I'd find her up early, making cinnamon rolls for breakfast for me because she knew they were my favorite. The counter that held the dog bone cookie jar that barked when you opened it. The same one that held the cordless phone and the answering machine and her year's worth of bills that she hadn't filed yet :) A refrigerator covered in pictures of me and Stevie and other children who were so dear to her.

 The dining room... Those hideous, cushioned, green chairs that sat around the table for as long as my memory can recall. The green napkins in the golden napkin rings. The many meals of chicken fried steak and creamed gravy with mashed potatoes and corn (our favorite!) Spiral sliced ham... crescent rolls, and mac and cheese. Her "End of the Trail" plates that used to be on display on the shelves in the back. The same shelves where Huggy Bear used to hide, and I'd seek her out and make it my goal to touch and befriend her before I had to leave again. Darn cat - I never could win her complete trust.

 Her room. She had the biggest bed, and somehow you'd just sink right into it when you climbed in and pulled the covers over you. She loved to lay in bed at night and read before falling asleep. All the dogs piled in with her, in and on top of the blankets. I loved to sneak in when I woke up in the mornings and climb in with her and watch the night turn into day. We'd talk, and we'd laugh... and we'd love.

 Her bathroom. My all time favorite place to take a shower. I loved how her shower would fill with steam. There was a seat in it, and I'd just sit there and take my time doing all I had to do before it was time to get out. The sink, where she taught me to turn the water off while brushing so we wouldn't waste. The countertop where her masses of jewelry and beads were in a big tangle, all over the top! I loved to watch her curl her hair, and put her makeup on. I needed to know how to be like her.

 The guest bathroom. In all my years, I dreaded having to do anything in here because it was full of spiders. Spiders by the toilet, spiders in the plants, spiderweb in the corner of the shower. I'd always find an excuse to use her bathroom instead because I never saw spiders in there! She was sure proud of the new tilework in the shower in this room though. Very beautiful!

 Ohhh.... the barn. My dad and I shared this quiet spot. It was one of the first places we'd run to after we saw Vicki, and always the last place we'd say goodbye to before we left. Hay, horse manure... crisp, cold air... jackets, hands in pockets, steam from the horses nostrils. . . A kiss on a muzzle or 5... See, I even shared this with my own daughter:

Stevie, age 1... Vicki's barn.

 Too Tall and Festus lived here. Sometimes, Foxy.

Teaching Stevie to love the Too Tall!

I was even able to share this place with my husband, before I left for Germany. He proposed to me while I was laying on that hammock. I was too scared and confused to say yes the first time - but it all worked out in the end! Vicki was sure proud of this garden that was built for her. A quiet spot to spend her time when all her work was finished.

I pray to God that whoever buys this house will fill it with the same love that we did all those years... Here's to remembering... and the end.

http://www.trulia.com/property/3121375072-1515-Thompson-Ranch-Rd-Wimberley-TX-78676#photo-1

Acceptance

I'm not sure when it happened...

17 years ago, my father died. For at least 15 years after, I could tell you the exact hour of his passing... Every year, for at least 15 years, that date was branded on my soul, and it was a dark day for me. The past couple of years, though... that day has passed and I never so much as blinked, or choked back a tear. It's a time to celebrate, really... I haven't reached that stage of acceptance that he is gone - no.. Rather, I've reached a time in my life where I've finally accepted that he's forever with me.

I don't have a need to hold onto those horrid details of the months and hours before his passing... For so long, these memories kept me from my relationship with God. I resented Him for allowing my Superman to suffer so. I have finally come to realize that death in ANY form is not what those left behind want to face. I trust in Him that there is a reason, and a purpose to everything under Heaven.

My father came to me in a dream, about a month after he passed... This dream is my connection to him in the afterlife - I swear to you in these words that my father came to me, and he told me he wasn't here to stay... that he'd come back to let me know he made it, and that he loves me! My daddy is in Heaven - and I will see him again!

17 years ago, this month... I forget the exact day, and I don't need reminding. I miss him terribly, and wish that my children could have known him! He would have made the BEST Grandpa :) His picture hangs on my wall, a photo of him holding his beer, in a koozie, in a wine glass... as if saying "Here's a toast to you, Jen... to life... and to us!" My daddy...

A Delicate Balance

Very carefully, I slid the foundation from beneath our sturdy lives. We set sail on an uncertain sea and aimed for distant shores. God saw us safely to the other side. Very carefully, we've stacked responsibilities in a delicate balance that makes up our new life. 

Nico started work in January. Very quickly, I settled into a routine of making sure that Ava made it to "school" at a decent, morning hour... I learned to cook. I juggled taxi service with t-ball games, and quiet dinners with an empty seat where Nico used to sit. I'm still getting used to his long hours. Housework, and bath times, and checking homework and weekend entertainment and mommy time with the girls - it was a lot for someone who used to work all the time and only had to manage an hour or two a day with my children.

I job hunted the entire time. I went to several job interviews, and came home a little battered and bruised every time an employer would call and either tell me I was overqualified, or they'd found someone who better fit the position. Until that one call came where someone was willing to give me a chance. I felt like a stray puppy that someone welcomed in. My tail wagged, my eyes sparkled, and the corners of my mouth turned up in a very apparent grin! There was a little hesitation, as I knew I'd have to learn a whole new routine. My late sleeping, younger kids would have to learn to wake early to go to daycare in time. I'd have to rush home after leaving the clinic to cook a quick dinner on the nights we didn't have T-ball... 

2 weeks later, and the routine is getting easier. The stress at work is subsiding as I learn the few people that I work with, and I start to fit the mold that is my receptionist position at the animal hospital. I LOVE my job! Every day, I'm greeted by the smooshed face kisses of a boxer puppy in for annual vaccines, or by the sweet purrs of a cat needing to be spayed or neutered... Oddly, I make a great receptionist! Somehow, I'm the opposite of that bitter, straight-faced staff sergeant that used to run an ops desk for a bunch of pilots. I love my job!

There are many kinks that need to be ironed out in this new life. My husband and I have little time for one another. By the time we're both home and children are in bed, we're too tired to even talk to one another. We just want to unwind - him with a beer, and me with facebook... and when we get to bed, it's all we can do to keep our eyelids open. I still need to work on myself and my own initative to spend an hour at the park on an evening, rather than being selfish with my time and choosing to do whatever I want to do. The 2 things that I'm consistent with, are going to work when I'm scheduled, and walking the dog after dinner in the evenings. I know with time, the things I balance will create a powerful force of family and love that no man can break! 

An End, and a Beginning....

What a rollercoaster my life has been over the last year and a half! The end of the military... the beginning of civilian life. The end of being the working girl, the beginning of being a stay-at-home mom... now, the end of being a stay-at-home mom, and the beginning of my first job in the civilian world. I am beyond nervous about tomorrow morning! I've worked before... I've worked for 12 years before. It's different in the military though.... working is just what you do. It's what you were trained to do. It's your sole purpose for existing in the organization. Now, when I work... it's my choice! Above all, I don't want to suck at it. I want to walk through those doors and apply the same passion to what I'll be doing as I did to my job in the military. I want to learn more, and do more for these people so that I can not only earn pay raises - but more than anything... I want them to love me. I want to become part of this family that they've developed within their practice and I want to grow with that!

I'm nervous about this new routine I'll have to start again... Victoria will be going to daycare for the first time ever! She'll attend the same one, with Ava... however, she'll be going alone once Ava starts kindergarten in August. Not only will I be working, but I'll be juggling motherhood as well. I'm the one who will have to deal with the children 90% of the time, as Nico is working as well and his hours are much more demanding than mine. I'll have to try to finish out Ava's baseball season (hopefully the new employers will have mercy on me!) Stevie's got teacher-parent meetings occasionally, moreso during the end of the school year. I've got a couple more to attend on her trip to Disney. I've also got to figure out how to get her signed up for 6th grade next year!

I also have to juggle cooking... getting off work around 630pm, rushing home to start dinner and have children in the bath and in bed by 830 so we can do it all again! I know this is all possible - I mean... how many parents in the world do this on a daily basis? I just have to remind myself to breathe, and take each little step, one step at a time! We'll cross each bridge as we come to it.

G'bye unemployment. I'll miss you, just a little bit. I'll miss sleeping in, and being bored, and playing facebook games until my eyes cross. I'll miss the unemployment checks! However, I can honestly say that I'm ready to contribute to this family a little more than I'm doing now! I'm ready to get out, meet people, have ADULT conversations, and let my children be children (somewhere else.) LOL!

CHEERS - to the civilian life. Get 'r done!

Coming Out

My entire life, I've been on the fence about homosexuality and gay marriage. There was a period in my life where I was curious about relations with other women. I've been attracted to the same sex. However, nothing replaces the safety and warmth of cuddling up next to my husband at the end of a long day :)

I have a handful of friends that are gay... and yes, even family! My opinion of gay marriage does not change how I feel about my friends and family. With that being said, I'm coming out. I oppose gay marriage. For years, I've hidden that opinion for fear that I'd upset my homosexual friends and family. However, in this free world that I'm entitled to live in, I feel FREE opening up and saying it.

Why do I oppose it? Because there's a quivering, deep in my soul that screams that it's wrong. The same quiver exists at the mere thought of someone being homosexual, but there are those things that just can't be changed. However, marriage? I understand the desires of the human soul to want to join with another for eternity. I do! I'm married...

Let's take God out of the picture (although, ultimately, his voice is huuuuuge in my heart - let's look at anatomy.) Let's say God didn't exist, and we're going off of the theory of evolution. Women cannot procreate with women, as men cannot procreate with men.  "but but but... we can adopt... we can use surrogate mothers... we can, we can, we can...." NO! No ok!?" It's not supposed to happen that way. 1 stick + 1 stick = 2 sticks... 1 stick + 1 hole = 1 stickinahole... 1 hole + 1 hole = a bigger hole. Yep, I really did just type all that.

I got to thinking, too, about how everyone is opposed to the government saying who can and can't get married. And then I thought, how terribly ironic that when it comes to divorce - people run to the first lawyer they can afford because they surely want the law on their side when it comes to getting their fair share of alimony, child support, dividing up investments, etc. Maybe if people could be as rational in divorce as they are about falling in love, then I'd fall for all this "marriage equality" bullshit.

But what drives the nail into the coffin on this subject for me, ultimately, is God. I refuse to be silenced, or pushed into a corner because of my religion. Ultimately, I don't owe anyone an explanation on why I oppose gay marriage - but I feel FREE enough to give it here for the world to see. I'm a God fearing, God loving woman. Does it mean I'm perfect? No. However, it's this love and this fear that drives a lot of my morals and values. Yes, I had premarital sex. Yes, I had a child out of wedlock. Yes, I eat bacon. Do I believe I'll burn in hell for these sins? No. (and that leads to a completely different blog that I'm not ready to address yet.)

Anyway... My 2 cents on why my facebook profile picture doesn't bear the = sign this month. Why it never will. Why you won't see me fighting for equal rights for homosexuals. I love you all, but I do not agree.

And now...

Today, I feel about as empty as my fenced in back yard... with the wind blowing straight through it. I'm married, with three children - and don't get me wrong, we're a HAPPY family. The swingset in my backyard is sturdy and fun... but the wind still blows right through it. 

I left my job, and my life, to come "home" with the hope that I'd be surrounded in friends and family that I hadn't seen in so long. 90% of the time, I'm sitting alone in my living room - visiting my friends on FACEBOOK. I hate social media. I want someone to go to Sonic with me for a slush, or to the movies, or out to lunch. 

I miss my Emily. I miss our 2 hour lunches and shopping at Babies 'R' Us or Target.  I miss Keri and Heather. I miss Rachel and Debbie and Amy. I miss my husband, who now has to work up to and over 60 hours a week to keep our family going. I miss working. (I do NOT miss the military.)

I have friends on Facebook who live near here, who always wished they could have visited Germany but couldn't because of time or money or both. I've had only 2 friends make the drive to my house here in San Angelo since we've lived here. "Friends." With every passing day, they turn into names on a list. 

How ironic, that I feel more alone now - surrounded in "friends" and family right here in Texas... than I did during the 6 years I lived in Europe. 

Goldfish

You know how a goldfish gasps for breath when it's laying on a surface out of water? That's me. I don't even know why really... it's not like this stay-at-home gig is SO busy or SO hard... but who knew that "nothing" could take up so much of my time?

0630am - Stevie's alarm goes off. She gets up, usually with Nico, and they both get ready for work/school. Stevie's out the door at 0645 to the bus, and Nico leaves shortly after at 0730 for work. If I'm lucky, I get to lay in my bed and slowly wake up til about 0745. Around that time, I hear the tiny knock coming from the back room... It's Victoria. "Mommy, I dooooone!" (she's done sleeping, that is.)

I slowly get out of bed, throw on my housecoat, and let her out of her cage. Ava's still sleeping soundly, with the blankets pulled over her head. Her biggest complaint is that her sister is noisy and wakes her up. Victoria and I proceed to the front of the house where she either requests chocolate milk or apple juice, and vanilla wafers - her breakfast of choice for this phase in her life. She then wants me to put the TV on where she asks for the pig (The Simpson's Movie), the bunny (Hop), Coraline, or Bolt.

Ava eventually wakes up... usually around 0830. Once she's fully awake she'll demand pancakes or waffles and some chocolate milk.

Around 0930, I get all of us dressed and we drive up the road to drop Ava off at "school" (all day daycare, where she's got friends and activities!) Then it's free time to do whatever Victoria and I want to do until lunch. Sometimes we come home and take the dog for a walk... sometimes we go to the park... sometimes we go window shopping or surf the aisles of Wal Mart or Target. Sometimes we have lunch with my mom. Sometimes we snag a burger and stuff our faces at home. I try to get her down for a nap by 130pm at the latest, where she sleeps 1.5-2 hours. Ahh, one of the best parts of my day. 

While she's sleeping, I usually go on poop scoop duty in the backyard. I play a little with the puppy... then come in and play facebook games. 

315pm is when the schoolbus brings Stevie home. These past 2 weeks, I've had to go to the school to pick her up at 345pm on M, T, and W. (tutoring.) Her teacher told her today, though, that she wouldn't have to continue tutoring anymore... she's finally smart enough :P Stevie comes home, does her chores, then heads out to enjoy the afternoon. 

4pm, Victoria and I load up to go pick up Ava. If we need any last minute stuff for dinner, we'll swing by the grocery store on the way home. If it's Tuesday or Thursday, we go straight to T-Ball practice, and we won't get home until 7pm . 

Dinner is roughly betwen 6 and 630. (except on Tball nights.) Baths are every other night. Bedtime is promptly at 830pm. Laundry is typically on the weekends. Vacuuming is whenever I feel like it. This blog post is not all inclusive of the many responsibilities throughout the day. 

I don't have the will to blog. I don't have the want to take pictures. If I'm not playing my games on facebook, I'm zoning out to 80s movies. (or surfing job sites.)

Anyway... this little goldfish is about to go find a puddle and pass out. Not sure if I'm looking forward to Spring Break next week... who gets the break, anyway? :P 

A Desperate Housewife

So. I've only "technically" been a housewife for 2 weeks. Now that our house is 98% completely unpacked and put together, I have run out of purpose. I've become one of "those" mothers who posts her every move on facebook because A) I'm bored... and B) I'm proud that I've accomplished another thing in my day and feel the need to share it with whoever is interested.

This morning, I woke up early with Nico and got Ava ready for "school" (aka, daycare.) We decided to bite the bullet and pay the small price for her to have social interaction. Once Stevie was on the bus and Nico and Ava were gone, I looked at Victoria and said "Now what?" I made all the beds. I put the dishes away. I took a shower, blow dried my hair, and even painted my fingernails. I can count on 2 fingers the number of times I've painted my fingernails in the last 12 years. Today, they're purple... woah.

V and I went to the mall. I felt the need to buy something "business-y" in case I have an interview or something I have to dress up for. Buying nice when you're fat, sucks. Shopping for me, sucks... I'd much rather buy pink and frilly for my children. Maybe that explains why I'm still wearing stuff that's over 10 years old and elastic!

I went grocery shopping yesterday... I decided to bake a cake. I made dinner for the 3rd or 4th time in 6 years. Who am I?

Today, I sat down and watched movies in between self-assigned tasks. I haven't had time for this stuff since, like, maternity leave. Painted fingernails and movies... and I still feel like I'm forgetting to do something!

Monday, I take a polygraph to finalize the background investigation process for the position I applied for as a 911 dispatcher. I also received a message today from a friend who said she got me the hookup with Human Resources at a local hospital. I applied there to be a scheduler - something I LOVE doing... Praying they give me a chance. Someone! ANYONE! I enjoy time with my children, and being there for my family.... but there's a bigger purpose for me - I know it.

I'm sick...

I've got a fatal disease. I've kept it a secret because I didn't want to hurt your feelings... My burdens never seemed as heavy as yours. However, I feel it's time to inform you of my diagnosis. The short term for my condition is "you." I'm sick of you. 

Your facebook statuses go on and on about your many ailments. You support pages that advertise your condition. You feel the need to constantly remind people of your fragile state and you ask for prayers if you've simply got a head cold. Ain't nobody got time for dat! If Jesus stopped to bless the forehead of every sniffly nose - the bigger problems would never be tended to!

Oh My God... Just stop. Look at your timeline. If you were ANYONE else, would you be happy reading your last 50 posts? 

I'm going to unsubscribe from your updates. I just don't want to know anymore. I'm not sorry. Out with the old, in with the new. 

The Newest New

I sit here and write, from my laptop, on a borrowed card table, beneath my new dining room chandelier. The tapping of the keys echos off the walls in this empty room. The anticipation and excitement of getting our things from Germany is overwhelming. However, we are finally in our new home. Sleeping on makeshift beds and sharing bath towels and eating off of plastic plates.

We got our ceiling fans for the bedrooms... we got the curtains for the windows. We got dressers for the littles, and a bookshelf and desk for the biggle. We bought a big, wooden swingset for the backyard. The washer and dryer are being delivered this morning.

Monday morning was Stevie's first day in a new school. She was so excited the night before and the morning of, but I left her sitting very nervous in her desk in Mrs. Rastetter's class. However, she was all smiles and waving to new friends as I picked her up at the end of the day. Tuesday afternoon, she rode the bus home from school and saw just how many children live in our neighborhood (to include the girl next door!) And this morning, she knocked on the neighbor's door to see if the girl wanted to walk with her to the bus stop.

Stevie's got new glasses.

Ava and Victoria took a 3 hour nap in their bedroom yesterday afternoon.

The cats have a big back yard to explore (and dogs on either side of the fence to prevent them from venturing further.)

There's a new microwave in the kitchen. Our home smells of new carpet, vinyl, and paint. Our home. It's not a house. It's filled with love, and happiness, and excitement.

We'll sign Ava up for baseball on Saturday.

We'll take them to the park by the river, a lot. It's big, and wooden, and they can lose themselves in childhood.

We will have cookouts, and friends will travel to spend the night in our home. My laughter will be genuine.

Home.