It Lingers On...

Twice, recently, I've run into a high school classmate out in the community. We're civil to one another, stopping to say hello. However, both times, there was a burning rage, deep in my gut that I couldn't ignore. This classmate was one of "them." The mean girls...

Maybe I did have friends in school. That's not what stands out in my memory, though. I remember as a young child, having my "best friend" tell me that she couldn't hang out with me anymore because I wasn't popular and she didn't want me to ruin it for her. I remember walking into a large lunchroom and being told that I wasn't allowed to sit at a certain table... so I had to eat alone. I remember constantly being made fun of for the clothes that I wore and the way that I wore them.

I remember calling the leader of the mean girls one year, before school started, and asking her if I could be one of them. I don't think she truly understood what I was asking. She told me to ask one of the other mean girls, so I did... and they laughed, as they said no.

I remember being forced into going to one of the mean girl's houses because we had to meet up for band practice. I sat and endured an awful experience as they purposefully set me aside and tried to talk me out of being in the drum section because I wasn't good enough to be with them.

I remember having a dog for a best friend because people were cruel. I remember those people making fun of me for finding love in a dog. I remember being called a dog. I remember the mean boys barking at me everytime they saw me in the hall.

Oh, how I wish I could forget. I've moved past all of it. I REALLY wish that I could have known then what I know now. How it was all just petty, childish bullshit... that I was a BEAUTIFUL child and I didn't deserve what they dished out to me. That the clothes were the product of a fashion-blind parent. That the boys were stupid, and so were the mean girls. I wish I'd known that some of the mean girls would grow up to be fat. (this makes me giggle, even if I'm fat too!)

I hope that my own children don't hate me for trying hard to protect them. For making sure that they know how to match their clothes, and that they don't wear their pants too high, and that they're long enough. For showing them how to brush their hair so kids don't laugh. For making sure that nothing stands out that will attract negative attention... but most important, for teaching them how to stand up for themselves and to brush off the UNIMPORTANT opinions of kids around them. For the whole "stop bullying" movement going on in the world is never going to happen... it's human nature.