Coming Out

My entire life, I've been on the fence about homosexuality and gay marriage. There was a period in my life where I was curious about relations with other women. I've been attracted to the same sex. However, nothing replaces the safety and warmth of cuddling up next to my husband at the end of a long day :)

I have a handful of friends that are gay... and yes, even family! My opinion of gay marriage does not change how I feel about my friends and family. With that being said, I'm coming out. I oppose gay marriage. For years, I've hidden that opinion for fear that I'd upset my homosexual friends and family. However, in this free world that I'm entitled to live in, I feel FREE opening up and saying it.

Why do I oppose it? Because there's a quivering, deep in my soul that screams that it's wrong. The same quiver exists at the mere thought of someone being homosexual, but there are those things that just can't be changed. However, marriage? I understand the desires of the human soul to want to join with another for eternity. I do! I'm married...

Let's take God out of the picture (although, ultimately, his voice is huuuuuge in my heart - let's look at anatomy.) Let's say God didn't exist, and we're going off of the theory of evolution. Women cannot procreate with women, as men cannot procreate with men.  "but but but... we can adopt... we can use surrogate mothers... we can, we can, we can...." NO! No ok!?" It's not supposed to happen that way. 1 stick + 1 stick = 2 sticks... 1 stick + 1 hole = 1 stickinahole... 1 hole + 1 hole = a bigger hole. Yep, I really did just type all that.

I got to thinking, too, about how everyone is opposed to the government saying who can and can't get married. And then I thought, how terribly ironic that when it comes to divorce - people run to the first lawyer they can afford because they surely want the law on their side when it comes to getting their fair share of alimony, child support, dividing up investments, etc. Maybe if people could be as rational in divorce as they are about falling in love, then I'd fall for all this "marriage equality" bullshit.

But what drives the nail into the coffin on this subject for me, ultimately, is God. I refuse to be silenced, or pushed into a corner because of my religion. Ultimately, I don't owe anyone an explanation on why I oppose gay marriage - but I feel FREE enough to give it here for the world to see. I'm a God fearing, God loving woman. Does it mean I'm perfect? No. However, it's this love and this fear that drives a lot of my morals and values. Yes, I had premarital sex. Yes, I had a child out of wedlock. Yes, I eat bacon. Do I believe I'll burn in hell for these sins? No. (and that leads to a completely different blog that I'm not ready to address yet.)

Anyway... My 2 cents on why my facebook profile picture doesn't bear the = sign this month. Why it never will. Why you won't see me fighting for equal rights for homosexuals. I love you all, but I do not agree.

And now...

Today, I feel about as empty as my fenced in back yard... with the wind blowing straight through it. I'm married, with three children - and don't get me wrong, we're a HAPPY family. The swingset in my backyard is sturdy and fun... but the wind still blows right through it. 

I left my job, and my life, to come "home" with the hope that I'd be surrounded in friends and family that I hadn't seen in so long. 90% of the time, I'm sitting alone in my living room - visiting my friends on FACEBOOK. I hate social media. I want someone to go to Sonic with me for a slush, or to the movies, or out to lunch. 

I miss my Emily. I miss our 2 hour lunches and shopping at Babies 'R' Us or Target.  I miss Keri and Heather. I miss Rachel and Debbie and Amy. I miss my husband, who now has to work up to and over 60 hours a week to keep our family going. I miss working. (I do NOT miss the military.)

I have friends on Facebook who live near here, who always wished they could have visited Germany but couldn't because of time or money or both. I've had only 2 friends make the drive to my house here in San Angelo since we've lived here. "Friends." With every passing day, they turn into names on a list. 

How ironic, that I feel more alone now - surrounded in "friends" and family right here in Texas... than I did during the 6 years I lived in Europe. 

Goldfish

You know how a goldfish gasps for breath when it's laying on a surface out of water? That's me. I don't even know why really... it's not like this stay-at-home gig is SO busy or SO hard... but who knew that "nothing" could take up so much of my time?

0630am - Stevie's alarm goes off. She gets up, usually with Nico, and they both get ready for work/school. Stevie's out the door at 0645 to the bus, and Nico leaves shortly after at 0730 for work. If I'm lucky, I get to lay in my bed and slowly wake up til about 0745. Around that time, I hear the tiny knock coming from the back room... It's Victoria. "Mommy, I dooooone!" (she's done sleeping, that is.)

I slowly get out of bed, throw on my housecoat, and let her out of her cage. Ava's still sleeping soundly, with the blankets pulled over her head. Her biggest complaint is that her sister is noisy and wakes her up. Victoria and I proceed to the front of the house where she either requests chocolate milk or apple juice, and vanilla wafers - her breakfast of choice for this phase in her life. She then wants me to put the TV on where she asks for the pig (The Simpson's Movie), the bunny (Hop), Coraline, or Bolt.

Ava eventually wakes up... usually around 0830. Once she's fully awake she'll demand pancakes or waffles and some chocolate milk.

Around 0930, I get all of us dressed and we drive up the road to drop Ava off at "school" (all day daycare, where she's got friends and activities!) Then it's free time to do whatever Victoria and I want to do until lunch. Sometimes we come home and take the dog for a walk... sometimes we go to the park... sometimes we go window shopping or surf the aisles of Wal Mart or Target. Sometimes we have lunch with my mom. Sometimes we snag a burger and stuff our faces at home. I try to get her down for a nap by 130pm at the latest, where she sleeps 1.5-2 hours. Ahh, one of the best parts of my day. 

While she's sleeping, I usually go on poop scoop duty in the backyard. I play a little with the puppy... then come in and play facebook games. 

315pm is when the schoolbus brings Stevie home. These past 2 weeks, I've had to go to the school to pick her up at 345pm on M, T, and W. (tutoring.) Her teacher told her today, though, that she wouldn't have to continue tutoring anymore... she's finally smart enough :P Stevie comes home, does her chores, then heads out to enjoy the afternoon. 

4pm, Victoria and I load up to go pick up Ava. If we need any last minute stuff for dinner, we'll swing by the grocery store on the way home. If it's Tuesday or Thursday, we go straight to T-Ball practice, and we won't get home until 7pm . 

Dinner is roughly betwen 6 and 630. (except on Tball nights.) Baths are every other night. Bedtime is promptly at 830pm. Laundry is typically on the weekends. Vacuuming is whenever I feel like it. This blog post is not all inclusive of the many responsibilities throughout the day. 

I don't have the will to blog. I don't have the want to take pictures. If I'm not playing my games on facebook, I'm zoning out to 80s movies. (or surfing job sites.)

Anyway... this little goldfish is about to go find a puddle and pass out. Not sure if I'm looking forward to Spring Break next week... who gets the break, anyway? :P