At Long Last...

I have lost who I was.... and I am finding who I am. Who I am becoming is who I have wanted to be for a really long time. I am happy. I am free.

I've been in Texas since November 14th. 5 days after my 33rd birthday. 9 days before Thanksgiving. My children were able to meet the handful of relatives that 2 of them have never seen. We gathered around a huge feast, held hands, gave thanks to God for all our blessings, and dug in to all the traditional trimmings!

We've signed the lease on our place. We've bought a new "to us" truck. We've gotten cell phones. We've put some sweat into my MawMaw's place, to get her back up and running with some more modern touches.

More importantly... I've given up Prozac. I have a new found patience for my children. I'm enjoying things now that I didn't have the desire to do before, with them. And this is all just the beginning! I have the rest of my life, however long that may be, to learn, live, love, laugh, and be FREE!!!

My Lighthouse

Many people I know will spend 30 days this month giving thanks for many things... one thing a day... updating their facebook statuses with the next thing on the list. That was me, last year. By the end of 30 days, I was exhausted with thinking about how to pay respects to all of the wonderful things in my life that I'm truly thankful for. Saying thank you just isn't enough - not when you live a life as complicated and diverse as mine. (And to think, I'm just an average person!)

This year, it isn't my loyal facebook friends who deserve to know what it is my heart holds dear... I owe my gratitude to God, and to my husband. This year - I'm thankful for my lighthouse. Before we ever married, Nicolas vowed to be there for me - tall, like a lighthouse; always there so that no matter how dark and stormy my life became, I could look to him. He has never let me down!

I've spent a lot of lonely nights in tents and hotel rooms around the world - weeks and months away from my love and our children. Turkey, Israel, Iraq, Diego Garcia, Sweden, Nevada... Not once did I ever have to worry about the well being of my family because Nicolas is strong, and independent, and loving. I never had to worry about him being unfaithful.

I've watched as he's given up HIS life for us... left a job, moved to another country, succumbed to life as Mr. Mom. EVERY day of the nearly 6 years of our marriage (and then some) he has cooked for us, done the dishes far more times than he should have had to... washed clothes, made beds, vacuumed floors... picked up way too many toys.

He's been my source of encouragement and support through my endless struggle to lose weight and stay "fit to fight." His warm embrace was an amazing source of comfort when I lost my aunt to cancer. Having him to fall asleep with every night, completes me.

It is because of this lighthouse that I'm able to cast our family into a dark and stormy sea... the unpredictability of relocation and major life change - because I know that he will guide us home.

This blog doesn't even do his service to our family, justice. It doesn't come close to describing the amazing love and friendship that we share. It's merely a public acknowledgement of and dedication to him... I know I tell him, but not nearly enough. Nicolas, thank you - for everything. I am so beyond grateful "that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

Camouflaged

6 years ago, I met you for the first time (in person.) I was so nervous! I'd had boyfriends before, I'd met boyfriends' parents before... but this was much different. I knew I would marry Nicolas, and when I met you, I was meeting my future sister-in-law. What I didn't know, is that I would love you this much! Love at first sight. I hugged you and took in the scent of your perfume, and kissed Coco on the cheek and fell in love with his warming smile. I was so worried about being accepted by you - worries that were so unnecessary, if only I'd known at the time.

I envied your style... I enjoyed your carefree attitude, and how even in the face of greatest sorrows you always found happiness. There isn't one attribute about you that I like more than others... I love them all, equally! I love your crazy socks, your delicate jewelry, your confidence, your pajamas! I love how we have so much in common, yet we're still so different. I love how easy it is to talk to you, and I love that I have you to talk to! For 6 years, I've had visits with you to look forward to. A 5 hour drive down the road, and I could always curl up in that soft-as-hell bed of yours and we could giggle like schoolgirls as we talked about everything from boys to work to the children, and life. We've enjoyed walks on the beach in the Netherlands, strolls down sidewalks in Paris, hikes in Germany... late nights, stuffed with Christmas dinners and early mornings with hyper kids.

Coco - you will (and have always) been my family. ;) To this day, the greatest gift I've ever received were the CD's you made me of The OC music. I can't imagine how much effort went into that, but it was given from the heart and I TRULY appreciated it. I love your artistic heart, your charm, your smile, your innocence, and the way you love my Baba. My children love you twice as much as I do. I'm excited that you've found a career that suits you, and I hope that you continue to grow because of it. I can't wait to see where your life takes you with Baba!

Our lives are changing... You're moving to Rouen, and we're going back to America. Today, I hugged you for the last time, not knowing when I'll see you again. I'm confident that we will, but it's sad to know that this era in our lives is over. Fortunately, there was a bit of rain as you left - it camoflauged my tears as I waved to you from the window.... No, it wasn't the TT that I was waiting to watch drive away - it was you. :(

Thank you for SO many laughs... for being the best sister-in-law a girl could ask for... for loving our girls as much as you do. Thanks for showing me what it is to love unconditionally... for showing me the meaning of family. I'll miss you more than you know - and I can't wait to share Texas with you. I love you Baba!

I loved you this much, even then...