Things I Never Had

Part of the joy of parenting, is being able to provide my children with the things I never had. The list is HUGE - but this blog was meant to be simple.... sharing photos of their afternoon spent with the joys of Christmas :D Enjoy!

They see me rollin'....

On cloud 9!

Look Ma - no feet!

Victoria has all control over the radio :D

(don't worry - she's wearing her seatbelt!)

What A Smiling Heart Looks Like...

In the sweetest, 9 yr old handwriting:
"Dear Santa,
     We left you some sugar cookies and milk. in the fridge.
                             Love:  family
P.S. don't eat the ginger bread house its not tasty. Oh and can you try to write back so I can have proof you are real. because someone told me you aren't real."

And on golden, winter stationary... in very neat handwriting:
"Dear Stevie,
     Merry Christmas! I can't tell you how much I love this time of year. Everyone is so full of joy and cheer. It really brings a smile to my face.
     I'm especially proud of you this year. Promethius, my head elf of the education tracking department, reported that you got straight As! How wonderful! It's been about 1,000 years since I've been in school but I remember how hard it was to just get one A.
     I've also noticed how much you've grown up since last Christmas. You are such a kind and generous young lady. I really liked how you were thoughtful enough to give your rollerblades to Alizeonna. The most precious gifts we can give are those given in love and self-sacrifice, which is what you've done. I'm so proud of you!
     I hear that some of your friends have stopped believing in me, which makes me very sad. I only wish I could change their minds. Unfortunately once a child stops believing I can never visit them again. That's the way my magic works. So ignore those who say mean things because its the belief and thankfulness in your heart that keeps me returning every Christmas.
     Thank you for the cookies and I hope you like the decorations. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas!
                                         Sincerely,
                                            Santa"

Before Stevie discovered her letter, we discovered Santa's festive decorations that welcomed us home from a Christmas with family in France:

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

It's a Christmas PARTAY up in here!

I don't have pictures of the rest... but there's cotton snow all over just about everything... My heart was too busy smiling and the paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling :D Once inside from our 5 hour road trip, the girls got down to business with the gifts!

V's first real Christmas.... Way too much fun!

All she wanted from Santa was a pink guitar, and a pink microphone!

Great... more stuff that makes noise!

Golden paper only comes from Santa! (the LPS treehouse she's been waiting for!)

I got a pink guitar Mommy!

Otherworldly

So there I was.... sitting on the toilet on the 3rd floor of my mother-in-law's house on Christmas day. No, I won't fill you with details about what went on in there!

But I took a few extra moments while emptying the pipes, to take in all the noise coming from above and below me. My two oldest daughters were upstairs with their cousins, playing hide-and-seek. Not a big deal - unless you take into account that the cousins only speak French. To hear my daughters counting in French and doing their best to get past the language barrier to have fun :D Makes for a wonderful experience.

Later on, I sat at the dining room table surrounded in loads of family... I thought back to my first Christmas spent here... Alex (my nephew) was just a baby, and Stevie was only 4. This year, there were 4 cousins running up and down the stairs chasing after one another while Victoria toddled around the living room. We've added a generation to the household. . . The presents overflowed under the tree. The love, all around. Family. Christmas. Home.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and smiled from the inside out. All that I have seems so otherworldly... but here I am :)

Alex, Stevie, Martin and Ava - jibjabbing it up!

Who is this clown?

Rudolphs, the red nosed reindeer!

Merry Christmas!

There IS such a thing as "too much Christmas."

Right Now

Borrowed this from Candie's blog... always looking for SOMETHING to write about :D

Right now I am...

Watching: Harry Potter (my husband downloaded them all... so we're catching up.)

Eating: Nothing. But Nicolas just started dinner, so we'll be eating soon!

Drinking: saliva, and daydreaming about a heaping glass of chocolate milk.

 

Wearing: My favorite American Eagle jeans and one of my PT shirts.

Avoiding: Getting up. This chair is by far the best thing I've EVER purchased!

Feeling: Unsettled. While I'm comfy in my chair, I'm thirsty... and hungry... and there's SO much that needs to be done - but not enough "want" in my step to get it done! 

Missing: My Aunt Vicki... and Christmas in Texas.

Thankful: For the little successed I've had recently that have put my mind at ease.

Weather: cold, but missing snow. SNOW!!

Needing: Something to drink... New Years plans... and 5th anniversary ideas!

Thinking: about MAYBE getting out of this chair and accomplishing stuff that needs to get done.

Loving: My family... this living room... these Christmas decorations.

What are you doing right now?

Thankful - Day 23 and 24

Thankful that I made it to Thanksgiving and I don't have to be THANKFUL ANYMORE!!

Bring on the Merry...

Thankful - Day 22

So thankful that I only have ONE MORE DAY of work, and then another 4 day weekend. A small Thanksgiving planned here at home with my little family, and a weekend of holiday decorating :D Let the season begin!!

Thankful - Day 21

Thankful for Nico's warmth on cold nights... LOVE curling up next to him in a cold room.

Thankful for Stevie's help! With age comes responsibility and less things that I have to do!!

Thankful for Ava's bedtime... That child is wonderful, but I can honestly say that I love when 8pm rolls around.

Thankful for Victoria's crazy hair. Coming home to that whacked out spike makes my heart swell.

Thankful for the moments when Zeus jumps on top my laptop and climbs up on my chest to cuddle. Sometimes, he falls off the radar.

Thankful for the nights when Athena pats me on the head, asking to get under the covers because she's cold.

Thankful for these little things in my life!

Thankful - Day 20

Is this month over yet?

Thankful - Day 19

I'm really thankful for our health. Aside from the occasional mental issue that we ALL have, we were all blessed with 10 fingers, 10 toes... and we're all "normal" (I think.)

The below video is a heart swell moment for me... Watching my baby girl take off on her own two feet  is something I'm so thankful for! (times that by three.) I know that there are families out there who have children that will never walk and I could never imagine...

Thankful - Day 18

Thankful that I had another day to post about being thankful....

Thankful - Day 17

I'm thankful for my courage. At 16, I had the courage to go to bed alone every night, and wake up and finish 12th grade. I had the courage to conquer life without parents at a very crucial time, and I aced it.

I'm thankful for the courage to sign my name on the dotted line and board a plane for a trip that would change my life forever. Thankful for the courage to become part of the world's greatest Air Force.

I'm thankful for the courage to jump into my relationship with Nicolas with BOTH feet, and without looking back. For the courage to have three babies... and the courage to move overseas and become part of a world that I never thought I'd see.

I'm thankful for the courage that carried me to my counselor's couch this afternoon... the courage that allowed me to open up and talk to the very person I had forever thought I was too strong to need. Thankful that I stayed for an hour and a half...Thankful for the courage to schedule the next appointment with her.

I'm thankful for the courage to endure. Life is short, but it is long... but courage has gotten me this far, and it will see me through.

Thankful - Day 16

I'm thankful for unconditional love. I'd lost sight of what it was over the years, and the family that I married into has brought that back for me!

It had become a subconscious layer to expect to have to give if I received... when I met my husband's family for the first time, I thought those people were so fake! They were all so NICE! My guard was definitely up - what the heck did these people want from me? Why are they being so nice?!

MUCH to my surprise - they wanted nothing but to accept me, and be accepted in return. They loved me. They took in my Stevie and they loved her as their own. They have all been nothing but kind and caring since we married into them. I am SO THANKFUL for that!

Thankful - Day 15

I owe some major love to my personal trainer. . .

In the past 2.5 months, she has opened me up in ways I never thought possible. She has helped me to see my potential (even if I don't always strive for it 100%.) The biggest breakthrough recently has been my emotional fitness...

I never realized how much I carried on the inside. I always just trudge through every day, tunnel vision style. Like a linebacker! Bring on the stress... overwhelm me, I can take it! Except, I can't anymore. And one day I went to meet with her and she asked me about a couple of things and before I knew it, my 1 hour physical training session turned into a 2 hour emotional training session... Ladies and gentleman, I cried. In public. And I couldn't make it stop.

~S~ has helped me to realize that it's OK to ask for help. It's OK to go to the doctor, to take the medication that will enable me to get better. I am not weak for reaching out. I'm THANKFUL that she has opened that door for me and nudged me forward, just by listening and offering me her point of view. I respect her, and look up to her... Because of her, I will get the help I need to unravel all that has been hoarded within... and I will be able to continue my life with a clean slate, someday.

Thank you!

Thankful - Day 14

I'm thankful for my three kids... They provide me with a lifetime of experiences that I would have otherwise never known.

I have been beyond blessed to feel life growing within me... three times. I have given birth, three times. I have cuddled three separate babies at different stages in my life... I've enjoyed feet pajamas and late night feedings. I have been given challenges, and heart swelling moments of love.

I've had to learn about sibling rivalry and middle child syndrome. Both are strangers to me as I was raised an only child. I'm constantly battling the task of making sure that my children feel loved, equally... and that no one child has more attention that the other.

I struggle with instilling morals and values into children who are growing up in a society where it seems like everyone else could care less. I'm stuck explaining to my 9 year old why life isn't fair, and why she has to abide by rules and be the example for the other children who clearly aren't.

BUT - I'm thankful for this ride. Parenting opened up a whole new chapter in my life, and I can't imagine my book written any other way. I love you DEARLY Stevie Lynn, Ava Ryan, and Victoria Raye.

Thankful - Day 13

Today, I'm thankful for my family. The unconditionally loving, supportive, faithful, loyal, honest, caring kind of family that I'm surrounded in. We aren't perfect - we all have our flaws. We have our good and bad sides to each of us... but at the end of the day, we can all kiss a cheek and embrace in a hug and when we say "I love you" we mean it.

I have built my nest at the top of a strong, old oak. I am secure in what I have. For that, I am thankful.

Thankful - Day 12

I'm thankful for my father. I frickin' MISS you more than life!!

Your birthday is coming up on the 23rd of this month. This month reminds me of you more than anything... all the special things we did in the cool, autumn air. I miss driving the backroads with you... counting deer. Decorating the house for Christmas. More than anything dad, I miss talking to you. You listened like no other, and you stopped at nothing to offer your advice or opinion to whatever it was I needed to talk about.

I cannot limit our love and relationship to one blog entry. It would take a lifetime to portray all that lived within us. I just want you to know that I hold on TIGHTLY to the dream I had of you shortly after you died... the one where you came back to say you'd made it, and that you were ok. Everything I endure, I do so knowing that I will be with you again someday.

I love you. Thank you for being the best example of what a man is supposed to be. I'm sure Aunt Vicki has told you that I married a man who reminds me SO MUCH of you. Honest, loyal... a real superman, daddy... He would do anything for us girls. Just like you.

Thankful - Day 11

11/11/11... I'm thankful that I'm a veteran.

I can recall, living in Brownwood, TX, and the weekends the national guard would be working. They'd flood into Wal Mart by the hundreds, decked out in camouflage. I can remember envying their uniform, wishing I could wear it and walk around like I was "bad ass" and owning the place! I remember too, being too scared to make the leap and live through boot camp to earn that right for myself.

This weekend, I took the time to go through and read old letters that I've saved over the years. I've got one dated March, 1998. It was a plea from my Aunt Vicki - asking me to consider the military. My life was spinning wildly out of control and I needed direction and she knew that the military held a million secrets to my success. I am glad she asked me to consider it. I did. And I went.

It was the scariest time of my life. I can remember riding around town in Dallas, the night before leaving for boot camp. I was with my best friend at the time, thinking "it's not too late to run away." I seriously considered it! I would have flown to Africa and lived in a tent in the bush until I took my last breath. . . but I was tired of running.

I can't tell you what it means to me to see my name on a pair of ABUs. There is a sense of pride I feel when I walk into a school wearing my uniform and have kids look at me like I'm a superhero. There is something special in a moment when I'm at lunch with friends and we're informed that our bill has been paid by an anonymous stranger - out of appreciation for our service. I can't tell you the tears that build inside when the grandfather of a wounded Iraqi girl tells you "thank you" for saving his little girl's life. Or the feeling you get when you return home after being gone for 4.5 months. . .

I love this way of life. It is HARD, and heartbreaking sometimes... and there are challenges and times that I want to quit - but I keep pushing through it. The military has taken me places and given me things that I never ever thought possible for myself. In return, I serve. I give to an increasingly ungrateful nation - and that is heartbreaking... I can only pray that the future reverses that trend.

Today, Veteran's Day 2011... I'm thankful to have earned this day for myself, and I'm proud to share it with everyone that I serve with - and those that served before us! Thank you!

Thankful - Day 10

REALLY thankful for 4 day weekends!

Thankful - Day 9

32 years ago today, God planted my soul into this earthly vessel and set it adrift. He has stood by me in the most dangerous sea, guided me in the darkest of night, all while lining my journey with the most wondrous sights to behold.

Today, I'm thankful for my life. Without it, everything else would be meaningless.

Thankful - Day 8

I'm thankful for the block and unsubscribe options on facebook. Enough said.

Thankful - Day 7

What would a month of Thanksgiving be if I let all the days go by without being thankful for my Nicolas? It'd be a REALLY selfish month, that's what.

Nicolas was another blessing from God. Looking at our beginning, I see only bits and pieces of the highlights of those days! I see the lines on the carpet where his suitcase sat for two weeks when he came to visit the first time... I see the kiss on the cheek he gave me when I picked him up from the airport. I see him dressed and attending my ALS graduation. I see him holding me tight as my soul spilled out onto the floor after learning of my aunt's cancer. I see him by my side, anxiously awaiting the birth of our two baby girls.

During the darkest of storms in our relationship, he remained my lighthouse on the distant shore. Now I'm home, safely. He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my support, my shoulder, my other half. He's my heartbeat, and the blood flowing within.

It's unfair to say that I owe all of my successes to Vicki, who guided me in the directions in which I needed to be guided... I owe many of those successes to Nico as well - for while Vicki may have told me which way to go, Nico was by my side so I didn't have to go there alone.

So today (and EVERY day) I'm thankful for my husband. I love you.

Thankful - Day 6

I took my girls (Stevie and Ava) to the movies this afternoon to see The Smurfs. We watched it at the theater here on base. Anyone military knows that before previews or anything are shown on the big screen, we all rise and place our hands over our heart for the national anthem. I used to think it was odd that they played it at the movies.... but now, I'm glad - just another reminder that we are different from the rest.

No, I'm not thankful for the national anthem at the movie theater.

I'm thankful, that I can look to the left and to the right and see my two children staring attentively at the flying colors on the screen, their hands over their heart. They aren't "those kids" that are running around under the bleachers at a football game, or talking on their cell phones at a baseball game while the anthem is playing. No, I'm thankful that my children recognize patriotism and have learned at a young age what it is to respect our flag and our anthem... They may not understand the sacrifice behind them yet, but someday they will come to know that too. Until then, they serve as an example of what EVERY child should know and do during that brief moment when the music is playing.

I'm thankful too, that I serve.

Thankful - Day 5

Today would have been my Aunt Vicki's 61st birthday. In honor of that, of course I shall blog about being thankful for her.

I guess if you're a frequent reader of my blog, it comes as no surprise that I love that woman with all my heart, and I miss her tremendously. She died of oral cancer in July 2010. But that, is not the most important thing about her.

Vicki was my guiding light. When my ship was lost in the dense fog of a dark night, she came in search of me and carried me into the open water. When good things happened to me, she was the first person I called to share my successes. My youngest daughter is her namesake. This blog is jumbled.... because there is far too much greatness to write about that I can't limit it to one blog post. I cannot incorporate the senses into words to allow you all to realize the whole person that she was, or the atmosphere she created with her presence.

To say that I'm thankful for Vicki, is an understatement. I was blessed with her! She was God's personal gift, crafted for me and placed in my life at all the right moments. I love her, and I miss her tremendously... Happy Birthday Vicki!

Does Not Meet

The military has done a phenomenal job of instilling a certain mindset in me... in a world where everything is governed by rules and regulations, there is no GRAY area. It is strictly black or white, pass or fail, meets or does not meet. So it should be no secret to the individuals who could be in my life to know why they either are, or they are not meeting expectations.

If one should need a visual, let me provide:

Does Not Meet

I work hard. I provide for a family of five. I want people in my life who want to be here. Who want to share in my successes and support me through my failures. I deserve the best, because I strive to be among the best. What I don't deserve is to work so hard, only to have to work harder to maintain the relationships that should just naturally exist in my life. It's exhausting, and disappointing, and heartbreaking.

What does the Air Force do when we fail to meet expectations? They drop us like a bad habit... send us packing. FIRE us. Hasta la vista baby. 

So in light of embracing my way of life, I've decided to give up ice cream. It's so much easier not to worry about how I'm going to scrape it off the ground to try to enjoy what hasn't melted yet.

Thankful - Day 4

I thought about this one last night as I was kissing the girls one last time before I went to bed... Originally, I thought about this post being thankful for sleep... because oh how SWEET it is to see three sleeping angels after a hellacious day of parenting - but then I went to work today. I realized that the atmosphere was light and jovial.... it was Friday. And I thought about this time of year, and 2011 slowly coming to an end, and it hit me. I'm thankful for endings.

The end of the day, tucking my girls in and breathing a deep sigh of relief before climbing into my own bed. I have succeeded in living another day, and providing for my family and ensuring their safety.

The end of a week... for the work is done, and I have 2-4 days of relaxation to enjoy all the things I go without during the week.

The end of a year... for the holidays, duh! The crisp autumn evenings, and the snowy winter days. Christmas trees and festive atmosphere. I DO love the holidays!

I hate to say it, but I'm thankful that there is an end to life. (not ALL the time, but when the time is right.) I'm not sure if anyone "famous" ever said it, but I thought of a quote while I was in boot camp back in 2000:  For every pain, there is a comfort, be it sleep or death. I think back to my aunt and my father, fighting cancer and losing... knowing how much pain they were in and how life had already been spent for them. They lived fully, loved wholeheartedly, were honest and caring and everyone who knew them LOVED them. I'm thankful that their Earthly forms have expired, because I know they go on eternal in Heaven, without pain.

Yes, I am thankful for endings... They allow me to look back in time and realize all of the beginnings - and everything that lies in between.

Thankful - Day 3

Today, I'm thankful for inspiration, the ability to be inspired, and most of all for the people who inspire me. I have SEVERAL people in my life who, in some way or another, all play a part in inspiring me to be a better person. Some of them reinforce my faith in God. Some of them guide me in everyday life. Some of them I only know through blogging, and it's by reading of their lives and seeing their strength that I somehow find my own.

Take A for example... She inspires me to react positively with my children when they've driven me to my wits' end!

Or C... who, in the face of the greatest of disappointments, has an unwavering faith in God that keeps her waking up each day with a smile on her face.

Or M... and K. and B... losing children, and going on to inspire and give back to the world despite the HUGE void in their hearts.

Or S... for being the STELLAREST example of what a good mother is supposed to be. And E, for always lending the best advice.

And the other S - who has somehow managed to do what all others haven't... She knows who she is.

Yes. Thankful for inspiration. . .

Thankful - Day 2

**disclaimer** I should have added this yesterday, but it remains the same today: The order in which I list what I am thankful for is of no importance. I am equally thankful for EVERYTHING in my life - for all things combined make me, me.

Driving home from work these past few days, I have taken the more scenic routes. We're right smack in the middle of autumn and the colors are breathtaking. I've been driven to tears by the sight of some of God's work around here! The grass remains a vivid green all around, but the trees are alive in bright reds, oranges, and yellows and they surely do brighten the surrounding area beneath a gloomy, gray sky.

Today, I'm thankful for travel. Whether it's to or from work, or a trip due to work, or visiting family in Europe, or a family leisure trip... I have been BEYOND blessed to experience what I have since leaving Texas back in 2000. New Mexico, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Florida, Diego Garcia, Israel, Nevada, Turkey, Iraq, Qatar, France, Belgium, Luxembourg, Austria, Netherlands, Germany! The people I have met... the sunrises and sunsets that have taken my breath away... the mountains, the snow, the ocean, the friendships, the purpose, the mission. Thank you Lord for carrying me to each of these places in the times I have traveled there - because every experience was a-mazing!

Thankful - Day 1

So consumed have I been with all the wrongs in my life, that I've lost sight of all the right. Therefore, in the month of Thanksgiving, I will set aside a moment to reflect on all that I have been given and I will give thanks for those things.

Day 1:

I used to loathe being a female. Monthly cycles, eyebrow waxing, shaved legs... Guys have it easier don't they? Beer and football and not expected to cuddle after sex. . . They can even get away with wearing the same clothes until they finally start smelling!

It is this day, in this month, of this year that I am thankful for having been born a female. I embrace the fact that I was born with the ability to bring life into the world (and I have done so, three times.) I think back to each of those pregnancies and how I was so amazed and in awe with every movement I felt, and every way that my body changed during each of those 9 months.

I'm thankful (though not all the time) for the ability to be moved by such a vast array of emotions. I'm not a couch potato grunt - ogling over the latest sport of the season... moved only by hunger or the urge to urinate. (hehe...)

While I'll envy the seemingly simple ways of being a man... I will hold tight to the appreciation I feel for having carried and birthed three beautiful girls. I will enjoy being able to love completely and unconditionally and wholeheartedly - because that, is me.

Recollections...

Over a year ago, I got the fever. A burning desire, deep in the pit of my soul to cradle a newborn. To cuddle up with feet pajamas, and breathe in the sweet scent of baby lotion! I didn't want just any newborn... no, I wanted another one of my own. Was I crazy? Could I possibly handle three children? What's three? I have several friends who have at least three (if not more!) My husband's mother had four kids... I could do this, right?

Nicolas and I sat down and budgeted. We talked money, purchasing a new vehicle to have room for everyone... it was financially do-able. We laid in bed and talked into the late night about adding to our brood. We even flipped a coin to see if we should, or shouldn't. Finally, I said you know what? We'll put it in God's hands. We'll try for ONE month, and if it happens, it happens... if it doesn't, then that's our answer. So we picked the month (I chose it, so the due date would line up with the other two girls' birthdays... October.) and we tried. And we succeeded.

I kid you not, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew it would be a girl. I knew I would name her Victoria. I knew that I would lose my aunt before she was born. I wanted so desperately for her to have met her namesake.... but there's an odd feeling deep inside that somehow - Vicki lives on, in her.

So here we are, a year to the day after giving birth to my sweet Victoria Raye. What a trying year this has been! She was not an easy baby... She's temperamental, needy, clingy, demanding... already learning defiance from her 4 yr old sister! But gradually, she has emerged into a lovable, laughing, HAPPY 1 year old. She's currently got 8 teeth (with two molars about to pop through.) She can crawl, stand, walk while holding on to things, and climb! She loves loves LOVES her big sisters... She gave up the bottle at 10 months, sleeps with her paci and blankie, totally digs apple juice and fruit loops...

Happy Birthday to you!

Looking back, there were days when I wasn't so sure I was going to survive being the mother of three children. Looking ahead, I can't wait for all that their lives have in store for us :D I love my girls!

You should live in a zoo!

Hard Work

You know what's so insanely crazy? I'm freakin' BUSY - busting tail to keep my job and I couldn't be happier...

In my life, I've had 3 babies. No wait, back up. In high school, I thought I was "fat" because I had like .5 an inch (maybe even .25) of skin hanging over the waist of my pants. If I bent over, that skin pooched a little more. If I'd only KNOWN that I was beautifully skinny, long legged with gorgeous blonde hair when I was that age!!! (I would've gotten myself into much more trouble probably....) But no, I was a teenager who thought she was fat.

I had to gain 9 lbs in order to join the military. They told me I was underweight. So at 117lbs, I signed on the dotted line and became part of the world's greatest Air Force. I was 135lbs by the time I left basic training. I gained 70 lbs with ALL THREE pregnancies. (don't worry, I lost a little after each baby...) But I'm sitting at a hefty 185lbs right now and I'm really struggling hard to get it off.

I had Stevie in 2002. I was 200 lbs even on the day she was born. Fortunately, 40 lbs of that was water weight and baby and blood and holy CRAP - I lost 40 lbs in about 3 weeks. But what does that leave me at? 160. I deployed to Diego Garcia in 2006 and took up running and I lost the additional 30 lbs and was sitting at a great 130 lbs when I got back. (man I was smokin'. Skinny, blonde, tan... a MILF yo!)

In 2007 I had Ava. Add another 70 lbs (on top of the 10 or 15 I gained from being married and living indoors because of the cold climate in Germany!) I was over 200. And it wasn't all water. I deployed in 2009 and got back down to 165.

In 2010, I had Victoria. A whopping 215lbs or so is what I topped the scales at when I was induced with her. I've only lost 30 lbs as of today. These 30 lbs have not been easy. I struggled a bit with depression after I had the baby. I had a complete loss of motivation. I miss my aunt desperately. There were days when I had to peel myself out of my bed because all I wanted was to pull the covers over my head and stay there until it was nighttime and I could sleep even more. In short - I wanted to give up. Not die, but just... give up.

I don't know what it was that woke up inside of me... but something did. A small spark that brought everything to life. I hired a personal trainer (who I love DEARLY!) and I started on this trek to freedom. My career is in jeopardy because of new fitness testing rules, and if I fail my test two more times I'm in real jeopardy of being kicked out of the military. So I'm dedicated to working out, eating better, improving my lifestyle.

Unfortunately, it means more time away from my family. This is a HUGE mountain I have to climb and no one can do it for me, but me. My personal trainer gives me awesome stars on my calendar every time I work out. And she knows JUST what to say to make me feel SO BAD when I skip the gym, or I don't eat the way I should. But she's brought me such a long way in only 5 weeks. I'm a completely different person than I was at the end of August.

Anyway... blogging is on the back burner while I'm pursuing the new me. I'll update as experiences happen, and time allows. But for now - it's blood, sweat and tears. My success in life depends on it! :D

Bedroom Makeovers

The girls will be another year older next month, and we needed to graduate Victoria OUT of our bedroom and into a room of her own. How did we accomplish? Well... Stevie's queen sized bedroom suite was sold. We bought a loft bed for Ava, and moved Victoria's crib in with her. Stevie then was demoted to the smaller room - but everything worked out PERFECTLY! Everyone loves their new digs... Posted below is the finished product!

Victoria's new spot

Ava, modeling her new ladder

The "library"

How come we didn't have slides when I was a kid?!

Stevie's tropical paradise!

(I can't rotate this thing... but it was to show the awesome wallpaper graphic!)

Hawaiian flowers

Flip Flop party lights!

Thank you Bed Bath & Beyond for shippin to APO!

Her room is so awesome, I just wanna sleep in it for myself!

Organized Chaos

This... is how I feel.

My life is busy. When did it get that way? It feels like ever since I left Shreveport back in 2006, I haven't stopped to take a breath! I got married... I had two more kids... my job was busy. MY LIFE IS BUSY!

I don't even have time to blog anymore. I'm on a Monday-Saturday schedule, and when Sunday rolls around I really DO want to go to church, but that's the only possible day I can stay home to focus on what needs to be done here! Laundry, grocery shopping... etc.

This weekend, I kicked Nico out again to be with his cousin because I think it's REALLY important that he has the opportunity to be a guy, with his family. He needs to escape the estrogen that floats in the air around here and just be. He does so much for us here - I hope he knows how much I appreciate him!

Weekdays revolve around my 8-9 hour workday, plus 30-60 minutes of working out at the gym. Stevie's got 4th grade, Ava's got German Kindergarten.... kids have baths and homework and cats need feeding and changed litter. Clothes need washing and put away. Somewhere in all that my husband needs a kiss and a cuddle, and I need sleep! (it's amazing this blog even has punctuation... I had time for that?!)

I'll take a quick moment to say that Stevie's doing phenomenal in 4th grade. 9 out of 10 papers she brings home is 100% correct. 4th grade really suits her. She's going through a small lapse in judgement when it comes to getting chores done, and remembering to wear deoderant or put lotion on after her shower :P other than that, she's doing SO GOOD! She's looking forward to turning 9 next month, and getting to have a youth center card and a place to go when her homework and chores are finished.

Ava is... is... special? That's a whole 'nother blog. Age 3 years and 11 months... need I say more?

Victoria. Milestones GALORE! 8 teeth now, pulls up to standing and walks all over the place as long as she's holding on to something. Nico's so proud - he taught her how to say "OOO OOO AAAAH AAAH!" (which is really bad considering she's got orange hair that sticks up on her head.) She's really connecting with her orangutan (sp?) relatives! She's really a good baby. High maintenance compared to my other two, but I wouldn't wish for life without her... LOVE her!

Nico and I are doing well, too. We could benefit from more time for each other, but it's going to require organizing this chaos just a little bit more! We've got a good flow goin' though, and we're comfortable. I think as long as we all know that love is what holds us all together, we're good to go!

11pm. It's totally bedtime. This chaos starts all over again in about 8.5 hours!

Change

Re-arranged the girls bedrooms this weekend. Put Victoria's crib in a room with Ava's new loft bed, and Stevie moved into Ava's old bedroom. A big change for everyone!!

It's silly really, but I've got that "homesick" feeling in the pit of my stomach because this is something new for them to have to get used to. Poor Ava has to stay out of "her" room whenever Victoria is napping... Stevie's gone from a queen sized bed to a twin sized bed... Their rooms aren't quite complete yet. I've ordered new bedding/wall decorations for Ava and V, and I'll be shopping soon for Stevie's.

I was looking forward to the new privacy and freedoms in our bedroom with not having Victoria bunking in the corner... *sigh* I know, I'm SILLY! Just sad... Change takes getting used to.

Meanwhile, I think Ava loves having a loft bed with a SLIDE on it! Stevie says she loves being in Ava's old room. It's smaller, which might mean more personal to her. She quickly moved in and took over, making it her own. I reminded her tonight while tucking her in "Don't fall outta bed!" haha...

Anyway... everyone's asleep now. Guess I better get that way too, and soon. Monday'll be here in roughly 2 hours!

9-11

10 years.

Has it really been a decade? Seems like just yesterday... I wrote about my 9/11 experience already, so I won't repeat words - I'll leave it on you to scroll through the history and find it if you're interested.

All I can say is, I'll never forget! God bless the lives lost, and the families left behind... Watch over those of us who continue to fight the individuals responsible for this...

Walking Away

In early 1995, I was happy. I was a regular, teenaged girl going through the highs and lows of High School. I had a working mother and father. My life was very average, and I was just another Jane. (or Jen.)

May 1996... dad died. Summer... Mom moved... Fall... I would live alone for an entire school year and I was LOST. I put 60,000 miles on a brand new car from the beginning of the school year, to the end. I drove, and drove, and drove to keep from being alone in the house where my father died. I drove alone, into the wee hours of the morning because all of my friends had rules and curfews to abide by. For once in my life, I wished for rules!

1997-2000. My life is an utter blur. Get a job, lose a job... get high... get drunk... sleep in my car... so many things I wasn't proud of. I bounced from house to house. My relationship with my mother was never the same after my father died.

2000-present. I joined the military. My self-discipline and my career are what keep me grounded now. Without a clear set of rules, my soul would be wild. Because of the military, I have gotten to see so many places and do so many things... these experiences are once-in-a-lifetime and I am BLESSED to have had them!

Here is my very public cry... For many, many years I have pleaded with my mother to share in my successes... to support me in my failures... and for all those times I pleaded - she simply looked down and walked away. I have BEGGED her to come be with me in Europe... there is so very much I'd give anything to share with her - but she refuses to fly.

My relationship with her is so complex, and filled with so many negative, ugly, hurtful things. Today, the bad far outweighs the good. Today, I've decided it's time...

I'm flying free....

It's time to walk away. In 2006, I chose orders to Germany because I needed to get away from my mother. I haven't seen her since December of 2005. There's something to be said when almost 6 years later, I do not miss her. I have struggled with guilt... felt that I needed to hold on to the relationship in order to abide by some biblical commandment that orders me to Honor thy mother and father... I feel like I can still abide by that. I still love her, she's my mother. I just cannot live with her in my life. She brings nothing good to it.

So here I am... on the edge of the nest, my chin up, my eyes looking all around... I'm spreading my wings - steadying myself with the wind and... and... and here I go! Here's to the future - no looking back!

This one's for a friend...

Kellie Staats... It's her birthday! Birthdays are supposed to be about LIFE and celebration and smiles and candles on your cake... Kellie's only wish was to share her angel with as many people as possible, so that's what I'm here to do!

Kellie and her husband James lost their beautiful baby girl, Madison, to SIDS a few months ago. In light of this tragic event in their lives, they've gone on to become advocates of SIDS, working hard to spread information to people who may not know what took their daughter. They've been a stellar example of hope in the face of sadness... Kellie alone has been an inspiration to MANY mothers who have followed her blog (http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com)! I, for one, hug my children a little longer because of the story she has shared. They are living proof that we just never know how long we have one another - so make EVERY SECOND COUNT!

This post is for you Kellie... I hope that your day was as special and brilliant as it could possibly be. I have no doubt that if balloons could float DOWN, Maddie would surely have sent you her own special bouquet with a little crayon note attached to it letting you know how much she loves and misses you too! Happy birthday sweet "virtual" friend!

First in Fourth

I can't stop it... No matter how hard I grab hold of the hands on the clock, they keep trudging forward. I look back at pictures of my sweet, chubby baby... I remember the days when it was just me and her against the world and we made the BEST team! (don't get me wrong, I love being married, and I love my other two kids just as much!) But today was about Stevie... today was her first day in 4th grade.

12 grades. Well, 13 if you count kindergarten. But we've been through K-3 already. What's that leave me? 9 years... Stevie turnes 9 in October. Those 9 years happened before I could blink. Stevie's going to leave home "tomorrow" and I don't know if I'll EVER be ready for that!

As much as I push for her independence - I hope she never stops needing me. Oh how I hope!!

1st day of Kindergarten (almost age 5)

1st day of 4th grade (almost age 9)

Silence...

Mountains of laundry sat on my bed today, needing to be sorted and put away. 8 days of vacation will do that to our closets! Stevie was outside enjoying her last day of summer freedom, Ava was whining about anything and everything from the living room, and Victoria was crabby in her walker, blocked from getting near me and running over my toes. I needed someone to call to get me through my chore...I really needed my Aunt Vicki. I thought of how awesome it was to call her on Sundays and the laundry would disappear during conversation! Instinctively, I went to get the phone and tried to call another friend instead, but got no answer. And then, I was angry... my patience left, and I wanted to be anywhere but in the house putting away all the clothes. I was sick of listening to the kids complain. I'd have given anything for 2 extra hours, to drive out to the Himmerod and sit in silence among high stone ceilings and the rays of light shining in. 

I don't know how to explain this deafening silence I'm living in. I talk to my husband, but it's not the same... My aunt listened like no other... she encouraged and gave advice like NO OTHER. . . I've called my mother, but she doesn't hear me the way Vicki heard me. Nothing is the same. It's like everyone nods and smiles, but doesn't truly understand me the way she did.

Fucking cancer...

Family Time

It's not every night... or every week for that matter.... but there are moments like tonight where I am reminded of how blessed I am. We all scarfed down dinner and loaded up in the van and drove over to Moetsch to walk/ride bikes on a little tractor path, under the light of the setting sun. It is here, walking beside my love... watching as our girls race ahead on their bikes, and pushing Victoria in her stroller that I'm happy... and free from worry and the stress of all the challenges we face on a daily basis.

Free... with my family. In Europe. **heart swell**

Go Go SPEED RACER!!

Little Ms. Not-so Little

I think it's TOTALLY possible...

...coming back to life

My aunt often told me that when she'd see a road runner, she'd think of her father... a cardinal, she'd think of her mother. I thought it odd that after my father passed, it always seemed like there was ONE bird in my presence that stuck out from the rest. One who would sing louder.. one who might be bigger. One who just seemed to follow me! I nodded and acknowledged my dad's presence.

Here in Germany, there's always just ONE hawk on a fencepost, or on a bale of hay in the middle of an open field on my drive to work. He greets me every morning, and he bids me goodnight on the way home every evening.

I wanted to share a story that absolutely made my heart swell just yesterday. All this week, me and the girls have been involved with Vacation Bible School at the church on base. Every night, we drive home to an awesome sunset. Last night, while driving home... I asked Stevie what she'd learned in class. She gave me a quick summary, and then proceeded to tell me how one kid asked if "when you die, is it possible to come back to life as something else?" RIGHT when Stevie told me that, off to the right - there was a horse in a field that started galloping at TOP speed, nodding her head and bucking a bit and it felt like she was looking right at me as she ran up to the fence... My heart swelled up in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes and I thought to myself "Well lookie there Vicki - you done answered that kid's question!" It IS totally possible!

Dust in the Wind

It's been years since I've had an internet pal... the kind that you connect with on emotional levels, and correspond with via email on a daily basis. I think I've found a new one! Unfortunately, under the saddest of circumstances...

I recently joined a network called Chemo Angels, and we're paired with patients who need ANGELS!! People, like me, who are willing to send handwritten cards or letters through the regular mail to give them something to look forward to. Words of encouragement, a show of support to get them through some of their darkest days.

My first patient was Jed Brady Thomas Suckling. From what I know, he was diagnosed with a form of brain cancer at the age of 3. THREE!!! The thought alone makes me look at my 3.5 year old and drop to my knees in praise to the Lord for her health. I overlooked his age though and simply set about my calling. I thought of exciting things to share with Jed (aka Noonie Pants!) I wrote him a letter about my job. I'm a soldier after all - what little boy doesn't like "army" stuff! I shared pictures of jets that I knew about... His mommy tells me he loved those a lot!

I was also excited because they're from South Africa. I've never met anyone from South Africa before. I so desperately wanted to get to know him! THEM!

I'm sad to report that Noonie lost his courageous battle with his cancer. He was just 6 years old. I only got to send him 2 letters... I still have a stack of cards and a couple of gifts that I'd bought in advance that I planned to send to him over time. It's too hard to even open the cabinet to see the stuff. I'm left wondering.... why? Why Noonie? Why not a murderer or someone more evil who deserved to die? Why Noonie?

I wrote to his mother, Bonnie... thinking she probably wouldn't write back. After all - I'm a stranger. She probably has more than a handful of friends who have 1,000 words of encouragement.  But I took a chance and sent her a message. Then another... and another... She's suffering a great deal right now. She was a single mother to Jed - her entire life was dedicated to caring for him, and now he's gone. She held him until his last breath. . . She described in painfully vivid detail the experience of watching him leave this Earth. I'm shattered by her pain.

I tucked my Ava into bed after reading her description of losing Jed. . . I had a vision in my head of her waiting while her little boy was cremated, to be able to take him home... I looked at Ava's sweet face and tried to imagine Bonnie's pain. I tried to imagine myself completely helpless while my child struggled for life... and I closed my eyes with my hand on Ava's cheek and imagined her warm little body turning to dust, and falling through my fingers. An abyss opened in the pit of my soul - one that I pray to God I never have to visit... ever.

I'll continue sending messages to Bon. Maybe someday we'll meet, maybe we won't. She writes me back - and I get excited when I see messages from her. I HOPE that my words bring her a smile, take her mind off the pain - if only for a second... I was brought to Jed for more than just 2 letters, I believe that.

There's so much more to share about Bonita... her strength, her love, her compassion... another blog. For now, I'll send her a message bidding her goodnight. I know that sleep does not come easy these days. If you're reading - please take time to say a small prayer for her? She just needs light... courage - and light to guide the way to healing. Thanks...

Bon and Nooooonie! (RIP sweet boy - 03 Nov 2004 to 11 Jul 2011)

A whole lot happens...

in just 9 months.

conception... a heartbeat, eyelids, hair, fingernails...a sweet breath, a silent cry... smiles while sleeping... a tiny hand curled around my finger. Coos and gurgles and beady blue eyes that hold so much curiosity and intrigue for the world around!

Just 9 months...

and then there are first bottles and first baths... first smiles and first laughs... first teeth, crawling, sitting up. ALMOST standing!! So much happens in just 9 short months...

1 month - and tiny feet pajamas...

Apparently month 2 was so fun we forgot to take the picture!

month 3

month 4

month 5

month 6

month 7

month 8

month 9...

Just 9 months...