Walking Away

In early 1995, I was happy. I was a regular, teenaged girl going through the highs and lows of High School. I had a working mother and father. My life was very average, and I was just another Jane. (or Jen.)

May 1996... dad died. Summer... Mom moved... Fall... I would live alone for an entire school year and I was LOST. I put 60,000 miles on a brand new car from the beginning of the school year, to the end. I drove, and drove, and drove to keep from being alone in the house where my father died. I drove alone, into the wee hours of the morning because all of my friends had rules and curfews to abide by. For once in my life, I wished for rules!

1997-2000. My life is an utter blur. Get a job, lose a job... get high... get drunk... sleep in my car... so many things I wasn't proud of. I bounced from house to house. My relationship with my mother was never the same after my father died.

2000-present. I joined the military. My self-discipline and my career are what keep me grounded now. Without a clear set of rules, my soul would be wild. Because of the military, I have gotten to see so many places and do so many things... these experiences are once-in-a-lifetime and I am BLESSED to have had them!

Here is my very public cry... For many, many years I have pleaded with my mother to share in my successes... to support me in my failures... and for all those times I pleaded - she simply looked down and walked away. I have BEGGED her to come be with me in Europe... there is so very much I'd give anything to share with her - but she refuses to fly.

My relationship with her is so complex, and filled with so many negative, ugly, hurtful things. Today, the bad far outweighs the good. Today, I've decided it's time...

I'm flying free....

It's time to walk away. In 2006, I chose orders to Germany because I needed to get away from my mother. I haven't seen her since December of 2005. There's something to be said when almost 6 years later, I do not miss her. I have struggled with guilt... felt that I needed to hold on to the relationship in order to abide by some biblical commandment that orders me to Honor thy mother and father... I feel like I can still abide by that. I still love her, she's my mother. I just cannot live with her in my life. She brings nothing good to it.

So here I am... on the edge of the nest, my chin up, my eyes looking all around... I'm spreading my wings - steadying myself with the wind and... and... and here I go! Here's to the future - no looking back!