Acceptance

I'm not sure when it happened...

17 years ago, my father died. For at least 15 years after, I could tell you the exact hour of his passing... Every year, for at least 15 years, that date was branded on my soul, and it was a dark day for me. The past couple of years, though... that day has passed and I never so much as blinked, or choked back a tear. It's a time to celebrate, really... I haven't reached that stage of acceptance that he is gone - no.. Rather, I've reached a time in my life where I've finally accepted that he's forever with me.

I don't have a need to hold onto those horrid details of the months and hours before his passing... For so long, these memories kept me from my relationship with God. I resented Him for allowing my Superman to suffer so. I have finally come to realize that death in ANY form is not what those left behind want to face. I trust in Him that there is a reason, and a purpose to everything under Heaven.

My father came to me in a dream, about a month after he passed... This dream is my connection to him in the afterlife - I swear to you in these words that my father came to me, and he told me he wasn't here to stay... that he'd come back to let me know he made it, and that he loves me! My daddy is in Heaven - and I will see him again!

17 years ago, this month... I forget the exact day, and I don't need reminding. I miss him terribly, and wish that my children could have known him! He would have made the BEST Grandpa :) His picture hangs on my wall, a photo of him holding his beer, in a koozie, in a wine glass... as if saying "Here's a toast to you, Jen... to life... and to us!" My daddy...

A Delicate Balance

Very carefully, I slid the foundation from beneath our sturdy lives. We set sail on an uncertain sea and aimed for distant shores. God saw us safely to the other side. Very carefully, we've stacked responsibilities in a delicate balance that makes up our new life. 

Nico started work in January. Very quickly, I settled into a routine of making sure that Ava made it to "school" at a decent, morning hour... I learned to cook. I juggled taxi service with t-ball games, and quiet dinners with an empty seat where Nico used to sit. I'm still getting used to his long hours. Housework, and bath times, and checking homework and weekend entertainment and mommy time with the girls - it was a lot for someone who used to work all the time and only had to manage an hour or two a day with my children.

I job hunted the entire time. I went to several job interviews, and came home a little battered and bruised every time an employer would call and either tell me I was overqualified, or they'd found someone who better fit the position. Until that one call came where someone was willing to give me a chance. I felt like a stray puppy that someone welcomed in. My tail wagged, my eyes sparkled, and the corners of my mouth turned up in a very apparent grin! There was a little hesitation, as I knew I'd have to learn a whole new routine. My late sleeping, younger kids would have to learn to wake early to go to daycare in time. I'd have to rush home after leaving the clinic to cook a quick dinner on the nights we didn't have T-ball... 

2 weeks later, and the routine is getting easier. The stress at work is subsiding as I learn the few people that I work with, and I start to fit the mold that is my receptionist position at the animal hospital. I LOVE my job! Every day, I'm greeted by the smooshed face kisses of a boxer puppy in for annual vaccines, or by the sweet purrs of a cat needing to be spayed or neutered... Oddly, I make a great receptionist! Somehow, I'm the opposite of that bitter, straight-faced staff sergeant that used to run an ops desk for a bunch of pilots. I love my job!

There are many kinks that need to be ironed out in this new life. My husband and I have little time for one another. By the time we're both home and children are in bed, we're too tired to even talk to one another. We just want to unwind - him with a beer, and me with facebook... and when we get to bed, it's all we can do to keep our eyelids open. I still need to work on myself and my own initative to spend an hour at the park on an evening, rather than being selfish with my time and choosing to do whatever I want to do. The 2 things that I'm consistent with, are going to work when I'm scheduled, and walking the dog after dinner in the evenings. I know with time, the things I balance will create a powerful force of family and love that no man can break!