It Lingers On...

Twice, recently, I've run into a high school classmate out in the community. We're civil to one another, stopping to say hello. However, both times, there was a burning rage, deep in my gut that I couldn't ignore. This classmate was one of "them." The mean girls...

Maybe I did have friends in school. That's not what stands out in my memory, though. I remember as a young child, having my "best friend" tell me that she couldn't hang out with me anymore because I wasn't popular and she didn't want me to ruin it for her. I remember walking into a large lunchroom and being told that I wasn't allowed to sit at a certain table... so I had to eat alone. I remember constantly being made fun of for the clothes that I wore and the way that I wore them.

I remember calling the leader of the mean girls one year, before school started, and asking her if I could be one of them. I don't think she truly understood what I was asking. She told me to ask one of the other mean girls, so I did... and they laughed, as they said no.

I remember being forced into going to one of the mean girl's houses because we had to meet up for band practice. I sat and endured an awful experience as they purposefully set me aside and tried to talk me out of being in the drum section because I wasn't good enough to be with them.

I remember having a dog for a best friend because people were cruel. I remember those people making fun of me for finding love in a dog. I remember being called a dog. I remember the mean boys barking at me everytime they saw me in the hall.

Oh, how I wish I could forget. I've moved past all of it. I REALLY wish that I could have known then what I know now. How it was all just petty, childish bullshit... that I was a BEAUTIFUL child and I didn't deserve what they dished out to me. That the clothes were the product of a fashion-blind parent. That the boys were stupid, and so were the mean girls. I wish I'd known that some of the mean girls would grow up to be fat. (this makes me giggle, even if I'm fat too!)

I hope that my own children don't hate me for trying hard to protect them. For making sure that they know how to match their clothes, and that they don't wear their pants too high, and that they're long enough. For showing them how to brush their hair so kids don't laugh. For making sure that nothing stands out that will attract negative attention... but most important, for teaching them how to stand up for themselves and to brush off the UNIMPORTANT opinions of kids around them. For the whole "stop bullying" movement going on in the world is never going to happen... it's human nature.

Mindless Rambling

It's quiet in my house. It's raining outside, and I'm listening to some darn good music. (so I guess it's not quiet, right?) Let me rephrase... Victoria is SLEEPING. The Civil Wars is blasting in my ears... Poison and Wine. Thank you, Shalayne!

I feel... something. Not anger or sadness, nor happiness, nor... it's just SOMETHING. Nostalgic? a bit of everything?

The rain has me missing Germany. Not SAD for it. a bit homesick. I can't even begin to tell you how I really soaked up every INCH of that place. I took so many long, beautiful drives through the countryside and just wanted to jump out of the car and park myself in the forest and just "be." Like a time lapse video, just soaking up the sun from rise to set. Shooting stars all around, the rotation of the Earth... hawks flying overhead, the grass turning from green to yellow and back to green. I took it all in. I smelled the dew and I tasted the snow and I hiked under the falling leaves and I cried SO HARD when I had to leave. My teeth clinched involuntarily and my sides hurt and I cried so hard! That was my first home as a married woman. That was where I brought 2 more babies into the world. My family is in Europe. My family was 5 hours away, by car.

I'm a bit angry too... for Nico. He's been working his ass off and trying so hard to prove that he's worth more than he makes. He jumped into this company he works for, with both feet - not wanting to let down the family friend who brought him in. He designed this elaborate database to help organize things, and tried to show the owners how they could drastically improve in every aspect of operation. They didn't care to listen. He's gone above and beyond to not only do HIS job, but end up doing the jobs of others because they just don't work like he does. 2 different supervisors have gone to the owners about getting him a pay raise and each time they're told "yes, we'll see what we can do." But today  marks another payday where there is no change. It's beyond ridiculous. Especially when you hear the "behind the scenes" of the people who work alongside him that make more than he does... and do way less.

I'm happy! Stevie brought home her first progress report and it was all high A's and one high B. (science.) She's able to finish her homework during school, so all she has to do at home as spend 20-30 minutes practicing her instrument for band and do her chores and the rest of the day is hers!

Victoria has kicked potty training in the butt! We went yesterday to her old daycare and donated the rest of her diapers and pullups to other kids who could use them.

Ava started kindergarten and has changed completely. When she smiles, she has "big girl" teeth shining through. When she talks, she has the personality and attitude reflecting from the different friends she hangs out with in the afternoons. She's my athlete... first t-ball and now soccer. If we pass a playing field and she sees others, her eyes light up with curiosity as if she's wondering "I wonder if I can do that someday!?"

I went walking in the rain yesterday. I took Ledger, like usual. I wore my Crocs on purpose... Every puddle we came to, I let myself revert back to my childhood and I splashed as hard as I could! My life slowed down a bit each time! I'd splash, and Ledger would twist and flip and open his mouth wide, trying to catch all the water that would jump from the puddles! When we'd keep walking, he'd reach up and take my hand in his mouth... I wonder if that's his "thank you" for the fun he was having :)

At the end of long days, when we're turning in for bed... the best feeling ever is being greeted by my aunt's cat - waiting on my side of the bed for her end-of-day ear scratch. I walk in the room and she meows with excitement. I climb under the covers and she curls up beside me, one leg hanging off the bed, and falls asleep with my hand under her head. I smile to myself as I remember ALL the cats that belonged to her over time, and how I always tried hard to befriend them and they were always "her" cats and they hated everyone else... I finally won one over!

I'm done rambling.