Alone. Loner. Lonely?

These thoughts have been on my mind for quite a while, but only a few of my friends know how this truly affects me. I try hard not to complain about it because I don't WANT to be the negative Nancy who always complains.... so I'll write one blog to get my feelings out onto this virtual paper and I'll internalize the rest.

I've always been a loner. I was an only child growing up, and my greatest friends were the furry, four-legged kind. It wasn't until my teenage years that I really related to people and had a great group of friends that I enjoyed being with. I'm awkward in social settings... At parties, I'm the girl in the back of the room, coke in her hand. I avoid nightclubs because I can't dance and I don't drink. My life consists of work, and home. At work, I'm alone in my office and many times, I'm the only one in my building because everyone is out training. At home, I'm typically the only adult because the husband is still working.

My husband has always been a loner. Sure, he's enjoyed his wild child days of partying.... He's had small groups of friends at the company he used to work for. Now? We share a very occasional bbq with my high school best friend and his family. Otherwise, we just share each other.

I learned one thing while living in Europe. Family is supposed to make the time. Family is supposed to WANT to see you. Family goes out of their way to be there for the important things. Nico and I got married at the JP - on a Friday. His mother and sisters drove 5 hours to witness the event because they refused to NOT be there for their son and his family. I was confused... I didn't think it was a big deal. Paperwork and rings. My family would have never made the effort. His family, did. Not just for the wedding.... but time and time again they taught me what FAMILY is supposed to be. They drove for the births of the two youngest kids. They were there for birthdays and holidays.. Halloween and Christmas. We made the trip to France month after month, no matter the distance, because we were a family and that's what families do.

I wish family meant the same thing, in America. 

I wish friends were more available. I wish invitations would be accepted and not declined. I wish people would FIND the time... re-prioritize to spend time with us. I don't ask often.... but EVERY time I do, people are busy, unavailable, "not a good time." What is going on in the lives of everyone that makes them so unavailable?? My husband and I BOTH work... We have 3, young children. We ALWAYS have time for people because we know how to multitask? Prioritize? Manage our time and money?

How nice it would be to have someone to road trip to Dallas with me. Fun? Not really.. just going to pick up my daughter and come back home. But really - it's suppose to be the friendship you enjoy - not the itinerary. 

How nice it would be to invite someone for a bbq, or out to eat and enjoy an evening of drinks and laughter and storytelling rather than staring at the same walls of my home, again... with the same voices... same routines...

How nice it would be to yell "you know what? FU! I didn't want to hang out with you ANYWAY" the next time someone gives me a reason why they're not available, again. 

I am alone.... I may be a loner, but alone gets lonely. The farther alone I get, the more I forget how to be social, and the more socially awkward I become... 

Eight~

December 29, 2006. It was on this day that I took the ultimate plunge and vowed to give and take in a delicate compromise that is marriage. Eight years ago! How, then, does it not feel like 8 years? Every morning that we wake up, we wake anew. Each day, brings another hour to the lives of us, and our children.... Each morning, another possession among us. We have conquered battles, and crossed mountains and seas with one another and yet we still feel as though we've just begun.

It's been a blessing to have my Nicolas by my side, these last 2 years especially... Never, have I felt more married than I have since I've left the military. We've had to lean on one another to get through the bad days... look to each other for guidance on how to handle finances, depression... we've had to rely on one another for friendship and happiness - turn to each other when we needed to celebrate a victory, no matter how small. We've brought joy to one another - and I'm sure at times pissed each other right the hell off! However.... through all of it, we've remained loyal to one another, and we're trudging onward and upward, together!

Happy 8th anniversary, my Nico. My lighthouse. 

Check Yes or No

I'm a huge fan of HONY (Humans of New York.) Brandon is a wonderful photographer and captures realism in a way that few can. One of the women he recently interviewed said:

"Sometimes it feels like I’m not a part of anything. There are so many people here, you’d think that I’d be able to make friends with one of them. But it always seems like everyone has got their own thing going on, or their own group of friends that they hang out with. Most weekends I just take a long walk, or go to a restaurant by myself. I’ve done some neat things alone, and I’m glad that I did those things, but I’m really getting to the point where I’d also like to experience things with other people. Everybody tells me: ‘You should do this,’ or ‘You should do that.’ But nobody says ‘Let’s do this,’ or ‘Let’s do that.’"

That was so profound, to me. Most days, it doesn't bother me that I don't have any friends that I hang out with. However, there are days like yesterday when I had the day off from work and the kids were in school and daycare, and I had no idea what to do with my free time. I desperately wanted someone to call and say "Hey, let's get ice cream!" or "Wanna catch a movie?" and there was no one.

How do you meet people? I'd feel like a complete idiot approaching a group of women at the playground and asking them if I could be their friend. I can't exactly walk into a restaurant and invite myself to sit with people who look fun. The cops would probably be called if I decided to start jogging next to the chick at the park because I want someone to run with. I struggle daily with loneliness. Yes, my husband makes a wonderful best friend, when he's not working. I'm missing a girlfriend in my life. Someone I can call to whine to about work... Someone I can giggle with, check out cute guys with, complain about our husbands with... Someone who gets me, and someone who I get.

I didn't realize that finding a friend was as simple as asking the question. It's something we're all afraid to do, though, it seems. What if that group of mothers at the park laughs at me and continues with their conversation like I'm not standing there, desperately seeking their approval and acceptance? What if the jogging chick at the park elbows me in the face and leaves me behind, plugging a bloody nose? What if I reach out to someone, and I'm rejected? That fear of rejection overpowers any courage I have to simply ask someone if they want to be friends.

However, the other night, I was sitting here playing games on Facebook when my messenger popped up. Someone that I work with had sent me a message. We talk when we see one another, and she's a REALLY sweet person! I was almost certain she was messaging me to ask about something work related... however, she asked if Nico and I ever went out, socially. She assumed that we did, but she was wrong :) Nico and I go out, but it's usually to dinner and on rare occasions, a movie. We're not into the nightclub scene.... never really enjoyed watching live music shows. Never went to bars or dance clubs. The truth is, we're perfectly happy in a small, social setting where we can hear one another talk and we don't come home smelling like cigarette smoke at the end of the night.

So after I told her that we didn't really go out, I asked why? She said "just because I like you and think you're fun... we haven't made many friends since we moved here and thought maybe it would be fun to go out."

I was over the moon happy that someone had asked me to be their friend. It's so rare... in fact, I thought the gesture was extinct. In those few simple words, she showed me just how simple it was to reach out to someone. She's so loud and seemingly happy that I never in a MILLION years would have thought that she had that same fear of rejection... but in all reality - what is the worst that anyone could say if you reach out to them? "No?" Worst case scenario - you're still alone after trying.... Best case? You've made a friend.

2014 - Thankful.... Days 15 & 16

Day 15 -

Ok, I lied on Facebook. I wasn't too tired, I was just absolutely out of things to be thankful for. (well, things to write about anyway) My 2011 thankful series was in depth and covered a lot of what I carry with me in life. Leaving 2014 to be... hard to write about!

So I'll reserve day 15 of thanksgiving for the little things in life. Victoria's chipmunk voice... Ava's request for Oatmeal Cream Pies from the grocery story. Picking Stevie up from the skating rink and seeing her standing next to a rather handsome boy waiting for her ride home... Fires in the fireplace on a cold, autumn evening. Movies with the family. Birthday cakes and candles. Today, a total stranger lifted his hand to wave as we passed one another on the highway. (It's a Texan thing!) It's those little things in life that warm the heart and make it all worthwhile.

Day 16 -

Today, I'm thankful that Stevie is old enough to babysit! It is SO NICE to be able to crawl in the car and go for a drive to just take a deep breath and chill out when my patience has left the building. Or on weekends when Nico and I have a big grocery trip to make - she keeps her sisters so we can handle that in peace. It's a HUGE help! I hope she knows this...

2014 - Thankful.... Day 14

I didn't even have to think about my topic for today... it just came to me...

It's Friday. An end to a long, cold week. My 2 oldest kids brought home honor roll report cards. As I write this, Stevie's at the skating rink hanging with friends... and the two youngest girls are tucked away warm in their beds. The fire in the fireplace is dwindling... and today, I'm thankful for two people who had such a huge impact on my life this year. . .

Nick and Jill.

There's a blog post somewhere in the diary that details exactly how we connected. It's no less than a miracle, and clearly a guiding hand from my guardian angel brought us together. They were everything I needed at a time when I felt like giving up. Their guidance and help in our lives has directly led to us being able to buy the house we're in.... to my paycheck... to Ava getting to enjoy gymnastics, and Victoria learning how to write her own name. I don't think they realize just how much they've positively affected us :) 

I was blessed enough to enjoy a lunch with Jill and her father (who happened to be great friends with my grandfather at one time.) It was so nice to be able to hear him tell a few stories from back in the day. I could tell the memories were a bit painful for him. My grandfather was in a terrible accident that changed him forever... Nonetheless, I shared a common bond with this man, and it was heartwarming.

I recently met Nick in person. I enjoyed dinner with him and Jill in Houston... So blessed and thankful to know these awesome people. Before leaving Houston to come back home, Jill and I shared a second dinner where we were able to sit and reminisce and talk about life, and my aunt, and share photos and memories... I wish I'd had longer than that evening to just be with her and tell her EVERYTHING (because there's so much!) I know there'll be other opportunities.

Awww..... Hearts!

Jill, I know you're reading this... I never imagined during that first phone conversation with you, that you'd weasel your way so far into my heart.... but you're here to stay, sister! Please, give Nick my love - and know that both of you mean the world to me.... such a simple act of kindness that you afforded me has changed my life completely. You just don't even know!

2014 - Thankful.... Day 13

Today, I'm thankful for Chicken Crispitos and Sunkist. I can be having the worst day, and these two items turn my life around.

2014 - Thankful.... Day 12

It's kind of difficult to try to be unique in my thankfulness... especially since I did this back in 2011! I should just copy links into these posts (because I'm lazy) but I'm really trying to make an effort to focus on my daily life and find the good in it!

Ah. . . Here's an easy one... Today, I'm thankful for my feathered and furry friends. They have each, in their own way, managed to touch my heart.

My Athena... nanny kitty to the kids... Zeus's girlfriend. The one who keeps everything in line! She smacks Ledger on the nose when he's played enough in the house. She chases Blue Eyes back to the bedroom. The only one who keeps Athena in check is Lucy! (how ironic...)

Athena Marie

Lucy is the bird. If only she would poop at designated times in designated spots. I've never bonded with a bird like I have to her. She HUGS! If you cup your hand just right, she curls up against it and holds your palm with her little foot... she tucks her head under your finger and closes her eyes. It's PRECIOUS I say... And she'll climb to the bottom of her cage, nearest my chair and bob her head up and down as if to say "please hold me!" (and now she's sitting on my laptop and I'm praying she doesn't poop)

Lucy

Ledger... the kids wanted a puppy for as long as I could remember but we lived on the 3rd floor in Germany and I couldn't see walking his butt up and down the stairs at all hours of the day and night to go relieve himself... so we held off on the dog idea until we had a yard. In February of 2013, we finally had a space with a big backyard and we needed a puppy to fill it. Ledger was supposed to be the kids' dog - but the novelty wore off with size. He's almost 2, now... and he is 100% mine. The best part of the day is when we go for our evening walk. He knows that it's "our" time. He watches as I open the hall closet to grab my shoes and a coat. His tail wags... he does his doggy cartwheels and waits for me to grab his leash and off we go.

Ledger Bo

Blue Eyes... She's all I have left of my Aunt Vicki. She's my emotional challenge. If she was ANY other cat, she'd own a cage at the animal shelter. The cat pees on my floor. She refuses to pee in the litterbox. She'll poop in it - but she won't pee!! So my bedroom floor is lined in potty pads. She's long haired, and she loves to sleep near my pillow. My nose is constantly itching. She's developing mats in her fur because she's grooming less and the oily fur is clumping together. She won't let me brush her. A groomer would give her a heart attack... and she's so old that I'm afraid sedation would kill her. She's too healthy to euthanize - so it's turned into an agonizing wait for her time to run out. I LOVE this cat... I love that she really trusts only me. I love that she sleeps on my side of the bed. I love that she gets so excited when we turn in for the night, because she finally has me to herself. I love that she was Vicki's. (I really REALLY hate that she pees on my floor.)

Baby Blue Eyes

...........and.... I'm still grieving the loss of my Zeus. I hate not knowing the why. My boy gave me 11 years of unconditional love! Well, he loved me more if I had his food... but he never loved me less. He cuddled with me. He walked the kids to the bus stop with me. GOD, I miss my boy. Stevie reminded me tonight that it's almost been a year since we found him lying in the front yard, motionless. I'll choose not to dwell on his absence, today... but to remember the wonderful times we shared with our boy. How he loved to chase you down the hall! How he stole cigarettes from visitors' purses... or gum... or licked BenGay off of sore muscles... or gave kisses if your breath smelled like toothpaste. Or he'd eat the brownies if you didn't put them away at the end of the night.  Oh, Zeus... how we miss you!!!

Zeus

2014 - Thankful.... Days 10 & 11 (oops!)

My bad... I got sucked into life and it didn't leave me any time to be thankful yesterday!

Backtracking... Day 10 - I'm thankful for literacy. I love that Ava is bringing books home from school, reading them, and scoring 100's on her AR tests the next morning. She loves to read. She reads to Victoria before bedtime. I never imagined my little girl to be THIS smart - but I'm eating it up :) I giggled the other day because she had drawn a picture to put on her bulletin board. I really should take a picture of it, but I'm already in my recliner with my feet up... so you'll just have to imagine it! At the top, she dated it... November 6, 7 8 9 10. Bahahahha.... I laughed so hard.

Then there's Victoria. She's just turned 4, and she's got quite a difficult name to spell - but by golly... she does it! She had a bit of a hard time making the R for a while. She finally got that down. And sometimes, she spells phonetically, with her speech impediment, included :P  "Victoea." It's SO damned cute. I love to see her papers that she comes home from daycare with... where she's working on tracing her letters and writing the alphabet.


Day 11 - Veteran's Day. I was desperately looking for an excuse to get out of attending Ava's little program... but my big, brown eyed girl would have been so disappointed if I hadn't shown up. So I took Victoria to daycare early, and I made my way to the elementary school so I could be one of a handful of veterans that was honored in a special assembly to celebrate all who have sacrificed. We spent 30 minutes speaking to 2 classrooms... and one of the questions was from Ava's 1st grade teacher - she asked what our most memorable moment in Iraq was.

I choked on a huge lump in my throat, and looked away. I couldn't even answer. My most memorable moment was taking toys to children who were injured... meeting a girl who'd had her hands blown off... and having her grandfather ask the translator to tell us "thank you for everything that you do."

Today, I'm thankful that I was given the opportunity to serve. The military taught me more about life, sacrifice, honor, duty, respect, patriotism, and selflessness than I think I could have learned anywhere else. It was a hard, 12.5 years... but I wouldn't take it back, and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

2014 - Thankful.... Day 9

35 years ago, today, my mother gave birth to me. Without her existence, I wouldn't be here. I imagine I used her bladder as a trampoline at one time... I imagine she caressed her belly when she felt those late night flutters of toes scrape across her insides... I imagine she worried whether I'd be perfect, or if I'd be born unhealthy. I imagine I stressed her out and pissed her off... scared her... made her cry tears of joy... I imagine I made her heart full when she first laid eyes on me. I imagine these things, because it's what I as a mother have gone through.

I wouldn't wish our relationship on anyone else. It's full of defeats. Our bond isn't as strong as it could have been. We've both said and done things that we'll always regret. We've forgiven, forgotten, and repeated felonies of the heart.

One thing is certain, however... my relationship with my mother is ours. We can make it, we can break it, we can repair it... Other people can weigh in with advice and opinion, but this relationship, as riddled with issues as it is.... is ours. I can't forget the bad things... they hurt, and they linger and they come and go. But, I can't forget the good things either - and there are many. My mother loved me... and that counts for something.

Thank you, mom... for everything.

2014 - Thankful.... Day 8

Last Thursday, I picked up Victoria from daycare and they mentioned to me that her voice was scratchy. I didn't think anything of it... the weather has gone haywire recently so I figured it was a cold coming on. However, at 430 this morning, she came to the bedroom and she was really struggling to breathe. Stridor. She said she had to puke. I took her to the bathroom, and nothing came out. She was exhausted. I turned on the hot water and let the shower run for a bit, hoping the steam would help open her up. It helped a little, but not enough to ease my mind. I got dressed, and drove her to the ER.

Today, I'm thankful for independence.

I'm thankful that I knew I had insurance that would cover our visit. Thankful that we have jobs that provide this insurance. Thankful that I don't have to rely on someone else to pay my bills... thankful that I know how to drive, and have a license and insurance. Thankful that I can read, to fill out hospital paperwork. Thankful that when my baby needed me, I knew how to be there for her. 

2014 - Thankful.... Day 7

Whether you're still in my life... or you once were but aren't anymore.... whether we've grown closer, or grown apart... one thing is certain - I'm thankful for our friendship!

I've struggled with friendships, recently. I've had longtime friends become distant... I've had good friends go separate ways. I've reunited with high school friends and have thoroughly enjoyed reminiscing and hanging out with them!

There's some quote out there on the net somewhere that says something like people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Not everyone is meant to be friends FOREVER. So no matter who you are or where you are in my life right now.... Please know that I'm thankful for you!

2014 - Thankful.... Day 6

I'm so thankful for days like TODAY... It was a triple wammy of goodness... I woke up to a refilled checking account. WOO, PAYDAY!! Bills are paid and food is in the fridge. Life is good. Secondly, it was virtual Friday. I have tomorrow off, so it's going to be an awesome weekend!

Last, but definitely not least... the rain let up and Ledger and I were able to go walking tonight. It's so amazing how this 30-45 minutes of silence and nature with my boy can reset my entire mood. I love watching him run through water puddles after a long rain! He was sooooo happy to get his mile-and-a-half in, too. 

2014 - Thankful.... Day 5

I've chosen to spare myself the heartache of writing about who I'm thankful for, today. She's someone I'll be forever thankful for - every day... but moreso on November 5th... and remembered each July 18th. At every Thanksgiving meal... while opening gifts every Christmas.

Whoever said that time heals all wounds was a big, fat liar! It's days like today that slowly peel back the scab on this wounded soul and the bittersweet memories bleed through. I miss you...

2014 - Thankful.... Day 4

Before I put words to print on the blog, I prepare... I knew that this post would be about a specific thing I'm thankful for... so I look for a picture that encompasses this specific thing, and then I pull up youtube and find a song that pulls that emotion from me. Then, I open up the blog and click "new post."

Today, it's taking me a bit to write, because the songs are pulling them from my core. Today, I'm thankful for memories.

I have lived a rich, and diverse life and it is not over. Tomorrow would have been my aunt's birthday, again, and it's days like those that bring it all back. All the times I spent with her... all the times I spent with my father... hunting, the river, finding fossils, crisp autumn grass, cold air in my hair, smiling, decorating for Christmas, eating Turkey on Thanksgiving... These people that were in my life... the love that they created and the family that we were. 

My wedding... even as small as it was... my mother-in-law... my new family... life in Europe... kissing my husband on the same street corner for New Years in Holland... under the streetlamp - in the rain.

The smell of hay in a cold barn in winter. Watching meteor showers with dad in the back of the truck. Shooting BB guns. Sitting on his lap and steering the truck while he worked the pedals that I was too short to reach. Counting deer on evening drives. Junior mints and Schlitz. 

The smell of peanut butter and paste in the elementary hallway. School field trips. Graduation. Boot camp. Tech School. Starting life in Shreveport. Single motherhood. Leaving the military. Succeeding.

Laundry by hand in Italy. Soccer celebrations in Turkey. Praying on the mountain in Israel. Naked people in Vegas. Heartbreak in Diego Garcia. 

Today, I'm thankful that I have these memories, and so many more. A lifetime of treasures, tucked away deep in the soul.... an album that I can access whenever I want, and flip through the pages and lose myself in the depth of each one. 

2014 - Thankful.... Day 3

I get that there is atheism in the world... nonbelievers. Evolutionists. Everyone has a right to their opinion. Boy am I glad that I'm a believer. Such comfort is found through faith. The answers that come from prayer... who wouldn't want those things?

It seems simple - today, I'm thankful for eyesight. It truly is the window to the soul. As I sit and stare at the objects around me... I think to myself how amazing that I have such a crystal clear view of all that is around me... and how what I've seen in my life has affected all that is within me.

How can the atheists... the nonbelievers... the evolutionists... how can they deny that connection between the eye, and the soul? How could they simply settle on a scientific reason, and be content with that?

The three times that I first laid eyes upon my newborn daughters... The rays of sunshine casting through the Vatican skylights... The seasons... the sunrises and sunsets... the falling stars... the steam rising over water on frozen winter mornings... The times I met my husband, his family... Homeless people... hungry people... happy people... Soaring birds, raging rivers, skyscraping mountains and deep valleys. The Milky Way. Christmas Lights.. .

Oh, how I am thankful for my eyesight... I cannot imagine living in this world without being able to see and appreciate all that has been seen... I'm thankful that, unfortunately, my heart is firmly planted on my sleeve and that my eyesight emits strong emotion sometimes. Those heart swelling moments are too often :) Tears of joy...

2014 - Thankful.... Day 2

Today, I give thanks for tradition.

I was saddened the other day, as I noticed a young girl who lives across the street from us who wouldn't be joining the other trick-or-treaters on Halloween. She's 5, and lives with her father and grandmother. She watched from her driveway as scores of children fled down the street toward the elementary school to participate in trunk-or-treat. In an effort to include her, I called out to her and invited her to come trick-or-treat at our home. Unfortunately, her grandmother said she had more than enough.

Afterward, I took pride in the fact that I go out of my way to ensure that my children grow up with tradition. The tooth fairy visits the believers after each tooth has fallen from their mouth. They're adorned in costumes every October 31st, and paraded around to people's homes to beg for sugary treats. Each Thanksgiving, we provide a feast (or attend one) and enjoy the love of family. When Christmas comes, we decorate wholeheartedly and the magic of Santa provides. There are birthday celebrations, homecoming festivities, Mother's Days and Father's Days... and I'm so blessed and thankful to have not only been a part of all of these as a child - but to be able to introduce them to and celebrate them with our children as well.

2014 - Thankful.... Day 1

Here we are again, in the month of Thanksgiving. I've neglected to seek out the positive in my life... often times taking it for granted. If it's a good day that I'm having, well then it goes by unnoticed... it's only the bad days when I can't help but stop and curse the world for all the wrong in my life. It's time I stop and reflect on all that is good. After all, this year has brought about SO MUCH GOOD for me. For US!

Day 1 - I'm thankful for warmth. There are all kinds... There's the warmth of the heart. The other day, I was checking in on the meal account for the girls, and my heart swelled, seeing the things that Ava chooses for her "extra" at school. My little girl used to be so small.... and now I envision her standing before an array of choices, and she chooses ice cream and pudding cups to top off her daily lunches. It's small, and may mean nothing to others. But I know my Ava, and these choices warm my heart.

Or yesterday, when I was rushing the girls into their school clothes, and struggling to find Victoria's glasses. I was running late, and my voice was rising and Victoria was frustrated because she couldn't help me find them. We found them, finally, lying on her bed - where she'd taken them off the night before to put her pajamas on. Then, at the LAST minute when I'm turning off lights and preparing to load up into the car, Victoria runs back into the dark house because she'd forgotten her breakfast. I told her to come ON! We're late! She comes sulking out of the house, head sunk low... when I asked her what she was doing, it was the sweetest answer... "I went to get my cheese crackers." Only when I went to help her find them, they weren't where she thought they were... so for the first time in forever, she went to school empty handed. (don't worry, they serve breakfast at daycare!)

Last night, I was scrambling to get the girls ready for Halloween. Stevie desperately wanted to wear the fake eyelashes, so she was hurrying to try to get them on. I'd never applied them before, so it was a learning experience for me, too. She was almost in tears because she couldn't get it, and I was REALLY hoping that my friend would show up who was much better at the whole makeup thing :P but she was running later than we'd expected. So I finished up the littles, and I turned to Stevie and said "here, let me help you." Oh, the warmth that comes with accomplishment... When you're able to do the things that your kids need you to do!

And at the end of the day, when my body is weary with exhaustion... after 8 hours of work have been accomplished... after walking the dog, and feeding the kids, and bathing them.... and tucking them into bed. When the world settles into sleep, and a chill sets into my bones.... there's nothing better than the warmth I find when I curl up next to Nico in the middle of our king sized bed. When his arms wrap around me and he tucks my cold feet next to him... This, is the greatest warmth of all.

Oh, how I am thankful - for all of it.

Bring on the Pumpkin Pie...

There are candles in my fireplace. The evenings these days are the opportune time to break out old hoodies and flannel pajama pants. I tuck the girls into bed, and cuddle up next to Nico and watch another episode of my show and fall asleep.

Last week, we put up our Halloween decorations! It's our first year, decorating our very own home! How fun to "mark our territory." I'm anxiously waiting Halloween night, when the girls can scavenge our neighborhood on foot, hunting for sugared bounty. Nico and I will stay home and hand out our own to all the others.

Birthdays are this month. Nico's mother's... and my own three children. It's also the birth of autumn. When you walk outside and smell pecan sap and dead leaves, and the cold snap in the morning air makes you think of scenes like this:

Heck, just do a google image search for "October" and you'll be flooded with warm fuzzy. October is the introduction to Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Seasons filled with tradition, and love, and memories.

I'm so very grateful, and beyond blessed that this year, my little family will be celebrating together.... tucked safely, and warmly inside our modest, new home. We have jobs. We have money. We have food. We have Halloween costumes. We have birthday gifts. We have candles (and firewood!) We have warm sweaters for the cold days... Most importantly, we have each other and we have love.

Now, bring on the pumpkin pie!

No Room in the Mud

The other day, I got off from work and headed over to Academy for a new pair of shoes. I'd been talking to a friend, and he asked me what type of shoes I was getting. I told him I only owned two types (Crocs, and running shoes!) He suggested a pair of heels. I looked at my phone with disgust and managed to set it safely back down on the center console of the car without chunking it out the window. It's not his fault. He doesn't know me, entirely. Seriously, though.... Heels?! **gag**

So the conversation continued... when was the last time I dressed up? Why don't I dress up? What if I was going somewhere that required me to look "presentable?" All very valid questions, mind you. However, anyone that has ever known me, knows that I've never fit into one of societies molds. WHY do I have to dress up? "Do it for you!" They said... But why? I don't like it. Why would I force myself to do something I don't like? I can't stand dresses... I can't stand strappy sandles with dangly jewels... I can't stand makeup. I can't stand wearing my hair down... (My poor husband, I know.) I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing me be feminine from time to time.

I've heard that "Dressing up begins at age five, and never truly ends." I don't think I got that gene. Shopping puts me in a horrible mood - unless I'm shopping for someone else. I absolutely LOVED serving in the military. For 12 years, I knew exactly what I'd wear from one day to the next. My closet was lined in uniforms and pajama pants. And for the days when I absolutely HAD to wear something else, I had blue jeans and hoodies. (still do.)

There's no room in the mud for glitter. I love rainy, Saturday mornings... when I can throw on some sweats and old sneakers and grab the dog and take off for a walk and let the Lord cleanse me. I avoid places with dress codes that require skimpy black dresses and heels. I'm beyond blessed to have a job that doesn't require hairspray and perfume. For as long as I can remember, I've preferred dirt under my nails, rough skin on the bottom of my feet, and the idea that whoever would fall in love with me - would do so for what is inside of me rather than what I look like if I do or don't dress up. (Cause I'm pretty freakin' awesome, if you take the time to know me.)

I Will Not Dwell...

November, 1995. He went in for testing, and we found out that he had lung cancer. The doctor gave him 4-6 months. He fought aggressively with chemo and radiation. He lost his hair, and he lost weight. He did it gracefully, with a smile on his face. I had every reason to believe that this cancer would disappear, because he was my SuperMan. NOTHING was going to take him away from me. It couldn't, possibly.

He finished all his medicine... he never skipped a treatment.... and we waited for the phone call from the doctor, as a child waits for a report card after 6 long weeks of giving his best effort. The phone call came, and the news was bad. Treatment hadn't worked.

I do remember curling up in the back of the car and crying until it hurt. I remember finding places to go and reasons to stay away from the house. I wasn't angry with him for dying - but I couldn't bear to watch it happen. He did try to talk to me about it all, but I didn't want to talk. Perhaps this is my greatest regret... leaving him to die, without me.

I will not dwell on the final days of his life. I'm doing my best to forget the details of his last night with us. Instead, I will constantly focus on the dream I had 2 weeks after he passed. In the dream, I was laying in my bed and yearning so deeply for his presence. My mother called out to me from the kitchen and told me to "come here." I reluctantly got out of bed, opened my bedroom door, and turned the corner to find my father there on his knees. He opened his arms to take me into them. I was dumbfounded! He was beautiful... young, a head full of hair, his moustache back. I asked what... how... if he was here to stay!!? I will never forget his words, ever... "Oh baby, I'm not here to stay. I only wanted to let you know that I made it, and I'm ok." And he hugged me so tight, kissed my cheeks, tickled my face with his moustache... and we said goodbye.

I will live out my forever... and I will keep faith that he is waiting for me :)

The Second Time Around

I was more than blessed with the best daddy in the whole world. Something I heard recently really hit home... he gave me an eternity in his numbered days. Boy, isn't that the truth?!

I have to set this time aside, though, to let the world know that without fail, I've secured the rest of my days with someone who has managed to fill my father's shoes. That was a seemingly impossible feat, but it has been done!

Carnivals

Cuddles

Lacing up ice skates

Setting sail in the North Sea

Teaching them to fly

Showing them the sights

Taking in the love

Carrying the weary

Simply being

Oceanside in France

Keeping them upright

Already a hero

Carrying on tradition 

Teaching them balance

Sharing nature

Celebrating holidays

no comment...

 

Welcoming his last born

Telling her how it's gonna be

The best daddy he can possibly be!

Not afraid of his feminine side

Happy Daddy's Day, my handsome love

My life is as complete as it's ever going to get... Thank you, God, for giving me my dad this second time around. I love you, Nicolas Durgeat!

Father is too formal

The term father.... it's too formal. I didn't have a father. Father's are corporate businessmen in suits and ties who parent their cell phones and provide for their children only monetarily. That's how the term father feels, to me.  No... I didn't have a father.

I had a daddy.

and oh, how I LOVED him!

My daddy took me camping... he taught me how to fish... he taught me how to drive... he cooked great steak and baked potatoes! He loved sweet tea and Dr. Pepper. He had wrinkles at the corners of his eyes from smiling, all the time. He loved hunting. I loved going hunting with him. We laid in the back of the truck and counted stars together. We'd have in depth conversations about current events. We'd watch 20/20 and 48 Hours together and talk about the things we'd seen. We'd drive backroads and count deer and take in the sunset, and analyze its beauty. He was the breath in my soul, the beat in my heart. A huge part of me died inside when he left this Earth.

He died 18 years ago, last month. How is it possible that my heart continues to beat without him? I've been so blessed with a new family... a husband who reminds me of my father in every possible way... a large extended family of sisters and brothers and nephews... All to help fill the void that he has left. They do a wonderful job, but there's still such a dark void inside that will never be completely filled. He meant just that much to me.

Happy Daddy's Day, to the absolute biggest hero, best friend, first love of my life. You're my reason for everything. I love you, and I miss you tremendously.

Through a Different Window

A friend recently updated her Facebook status update by saying "We are so blessed!!!" followed by a link to an article that showed pictures of different children and their bedrooms in various parts of the world. I didn't become upset with her for her status update... There are many variations of our take on the world around us. It all depends on the window by which you look through.

http://news.distractify.com/culture/childrens-bedrooms-across-the-world/?v=1

As I read through the article, the author led me to believe that we should feel sorry for these children because they are not like us. Most don't have beds like we are accustomed to. Most don't have enclosed walls, or furniture like we enjoy. The first boy doesn't even have a roof over his head. Some have no walls to block the wind and rain... The convenience of exterminators to kill the bugs... Fresh paint, ceiling fans... brightly colored toys! At the end of the article, the author goes on to assume that these children will never have a chance in life because they're raised in "harsh environments." The author then insists that everyone who was fortunate in youth, should reach out and help others have the same opportunities.

I DISAGREE!

Look around... Our children are blinded by cell phones, game systems, the luxury of having most everything handed to them from the moment they're born. As babies, we strive to fill their every need with soft blankets and warm wipes on their bums during a diaper change. We feed them the moment they cry from hunger. They never have want. They never suffer from need. (Not all babies are this fortunate... but I speak for many.)

The children pictures in this article, I can only imagine, are not suffering. A child who knows not of greater things does not suffer, but rather lives with bigger dreams and higher hopes. Look around! Even the most spoiled Americans have never known Heaven... These "disadvantaged" children probably have parents who love them. They're surrounded in conditions much like their own, in countries where poverty runs rampant. Who are we to come charging into the only life they've ever known and whisk them away and enforce our comforts on them? Who is to say that the way we live is truly the BEST way to live? Certainly, we love it.... but have you ever experienced their pleasures, through their window?

I can guarantee, that if you remove a child from this type of environment... they could learn to love the American way... but there will be a part of them that craves for their ceiling of stars at night...

A Work in Progress

I have SO MUCH to blog about... (I have no time to write.) And I thank God for that.

My life has been consumed by work... a new home... renovations... 3 children... animals... my husband... did I mention work and a new home?! I need to blog about my visits with Nico's family (in October and March!) However, at the end of long days, after I've tucked the last little into bed, I don't wanna do ANYTHING but play my Facebook game until I run out of lives... and then I read a chapter of the latest book off the shelf, and I turn in for the night.

On March 6th, Nico and I finally closed on our very first home. It's funny how my visions were much larger than my capabilities. It's funnier how easy it was to accept far less than I'd envisioned. In fact, this house is JUST ENOUGH! It had potential, as you can see by the below pictures... Most importantly, I remind myself daily that it's not what the house is made of as much as what it holds inside... The 5 of us, all together, still.

Below, pictures of the new house, in no particular order:

Living Room/Dining - during tile installation

tile installation

Living room - during tile installation

Back yard - after tilling, before sod install

Living room - after tile install

Kitchen, Dining Room - after tile install

Entryway - during (L) and before (R)

Dining/Living Room from Utility Room - during tile install

Befores - on top... Durings - on bottom...

Kitchen/Dining Room - during tile install

Front yard (Stevie's bedroom window and Nico's Man Cave)

Front porch/Garage

Back Yard before sod install

Living Room - during tile install

Back Yard - after sod install

Entryway, living room, Nico's Man Cave - after tile install

Back yard - during sod install

Back yard - after sod install

Back yard - during sod install

Back Yard - after sod install

Back Yard - after sod install

Back Yard - after tilling, before sod

Back Yard - after tilling, before sod

Back Yard - after tilling, before sod

Back Yard - after tilling, before sod

Back Yard - after tilling, before sod

The beginning of the tile floors!