Alone. Loner. Lonely?

These thoughts have been on my mind for quite a while, but only a few of my friends know how this truly affects me. I try hard not to complain about it because I don't WANT to be the negative Nancy who always complains.... so I'll write one blog to get my feelings out onto this virtual paper and I'll internalize the rest.

I've always been a loner. I was an only child growing up, and my greatest friends were the furry, four-legged kind. It wasn't until my teenage years that I really related to people and had a great group of friends that I enjoyed being with. I'm awkward in social settings... At parties, I'm the girl in the back of the room, coke in her hand. I avoid nightclubs because I can't dance and I don't drink. My life consists of work, and home. At work, I'm alone in my office and many times, I'm the only one in my building because everyone is out training. At home, I'm typically the only adult because the husband is still working.

My husband has always been a loner. Sure, he's enjoyed his wild child days of partying.... He's had small groups of friends at the company he used to work for. Now? We share a very occasional bbq with my high school best friend and his family. Otherwise, we just share each other.

I learned one thing while living in Europe. Family is supposed to make the time. Family is supposed to WANT to see you. Family goes out of their way to be there for the important things. Nico and I got married at the JP - on a Friday. His mother and sisters drove 5 hours to witness the event because they refused to NOT be there for their son and his family. I was confused... I didn't think it was a big deal. Paperwork and rings. My family would have never made the effort. His family, did. Not just for the wedding.... but time and time again they taught me what FAMILY is supposed to be. They drove for the births of the two youngest kids. They were there for birthdays and holidays.. Halloween and Christmas. We made the trip to France month after month, no matter the distance, because we were a family and that's what families do.

I wish family meant the same thing, in America. 

I wish friends were more available. I wish invitations would be accepted and not declined. I wish people would FIND the time... re-prioritize to spend time with us. I don't ask often.... but EVERY time I do, people are busy, unavailable, "not a good time." What is going on in the lives of everyone that makes them so unavailable?? My husband and I BOTH work... We have 3, young children. We ALWAYS have time for people because we know how to multitask? Prioritize? Manage our time and money?

How nice it would be to have someone to road trip to Dallas with me. Fun? Not really.. just going to pick up my daughter and come back home. But really - it's suppose to be the friendship you enjoy - not the itinerary. 

How nice it would be to invite someone for a bbq, or out to eat and enjoy an evening of drinks and laughter and storytelling rather than staring at the same walls of my home, again... with the same voices... same routines...

How nice it would be to yell "you know what? FU! I didn't want to hang out with you ANYWAY" the next time someone gives me a reason why they're not available, again. 

I am alone.... I may be a loner, but alone gets lonely. The farther alone I get, the more I forget how to be social, and the more socially awkward I become...