First in Fourth

I can't stop it... No matter how hard I grab hold of the hands on the clock, they keep trudging forward. I look back at pictures of my sweet, chubby baby... I remember the days when it was just me and her against the world and we made the BEST team! (don't get me wrong, I love being married, and I love my other two kids just as much!) But today was about Stevie... today was her first day in 4th grade.

12 grades. Well, 13 if you count kindergarten. But we've been through K-3 already. What's that leave me? 9 years... Stevie turnes 9 in October. Those 9 years happened before I could blink. Stevie's going to leave home "tomorrow" and I don't know if I'll EVER be ready for that!

As much as I push for her independence - I hope she never stops needing me. Oh how I hope!!

1st day of Kindergarten (almost age 5)

1st day of 4th grade (almost age 9)

Silence...

Mountains of laundry sat on my bed today, needing to be sorted and put away. 8 days of vacation will do that to our closets! Stevie was outside enjoying her last day of summer freedom, Ava was whining about anything and everything from the living room, and Victoria was crabby in her walker, blocked from getting near me and running over my toes. I needed someone to call to get me through my chore...I really needed my Aunt Vicki. I thought of how awesome it was to call her on Sundays and the laundry would disappear during conversation! Instinctively, I went to get the phone and tried to call another friend instead, but got no answer. And then, I was angry... my patience left, and I wanted to be anywhere but in the house putting away all the clothes. I was sick of listening to the kids complain. I'd have given anything for 2 extra hours, to drive out to the Himmerod and sit in silence among high stone ceilings and the rays of light shining in. 

I don't know how to explain this deafening silence I'm living in. I talk to my husband, but it's not the same... My aunt listened like no other... she encouraged and gave advice like NO OTHER. . . I've called my mother, but she doesn't hear me the way Vicki heard me. Nothing is the same. It's like everyone nods and smiles, but doesn't truly understand me the way she did.

Fucking cancer...

Family Time

It's not every night... or every week for that matter.... but there are moments like tonight where I am reminded of how blessed I am. We all scarfed down dinner and loaded up in the van and drove over to Moetsch to walk/ride bikes on a little tractor path, under the light of the setting sun. It is here, walking beside my love... watching as our girls race ahead on their bikes, and pushing Victoria in her stroller that I'm happy... and free from worry and the stress of all the challenges we face on a daily basis.

Free... with my family. In Europe. **heart swell**

Go Go SPEED RACER!!

Little Ms. Not-so Little

I think it's TOTALLY possible...

...coming back to life

My aunt often told me that when she'd see a road runner, she'd think of her father... a cardinal, she'd think of her mother. I thought it odd that after my father passed, it always seemed like there was ONE bird in my presence that stuck out from the rest. One who would sing louder.. one who might be bigger. One who just seemed to follow me! I nodded and acknowledged my dad's presence.

Here in Germany, there's always just ONE hawk on a fencepost, or on a bale of hay in the middle of an open field on my drive to work. He greets me every morning, and he bids me goodnight on the way home every evening.

I wanted to share a story that absolutely made my heart swell just yesterday. All this week, me and the girls have been involved with Vacation Bible School at the church on base. Every night, we drive home to an awesome sunset. Last night, while driving home... I asked Stevie what she'd learned in class. She gave me a quick summary, and then proceeded to tell me how one kid asked if "when you die, is it possible to come back to life as something else?" RIGHT when Stevie told me that, off to the right - there was a horse in a field that started galloping at TOP speed, nodding her head and bucking a bit and it felt like she was looking right at me as she ran up to the fence... My heart swelled up in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes and I thought to myself "Well lookie there Vicki - you done answered that kid's question!" It IS totally possible!