She is with Me...

I wish I could lay all of my thoughts out on the table and sort them, and throw out all the ones that are USELESS and random and put back all the ones that are necessary to survive. I'm overwhelmed and finding it difficult to cope every now and then.

I think I've got a pinch of postpartum depression. I didn't feel this down after I had my first two kids... I was so excited and in love with them and so happy to take them around and show them off. Victoria on the other hand, has been difficult to manage. My first two children didn't cry the way she does. She's needy, clingy, and cries about everything. Our first two children were and are extremely independent, but Victoria needs to be held ALL the time. I think she's getting better (because as I type, she's sleeping in her swing beside me.) Until now, though, it's been difficult, for me anyway. God bless my husband for taking that weight from me because all too often I just can't handle the crying. 

I'm ashamed to admit that there has been a time or two where I've looked at her screaming face and thought "I got pregnant for the wrong reasons, and I'm not sure she's what I want anymore." I got pregnant to name her Victoria. I got pregnant to share her with my aunt. My aunt died before she got here. Now what? Now I'm left with a screaming infant that sometimes, I just wanna slam dunk into the crib and run away.

I know my aunt is with me though. In her life, she was so afraid of holding babies. She just KNEW she'd break one. She came to visit me when Ava was 9 months old, and I asked Vicki if she'd ever held a sleeping baby on her chest and she said no. So I placed Ava on her, and Vicki told me that her heart just swelled beneath her chest. -- The other day was no different for me. I was sad, and angry that Victoria just wouldn't stop crying... I gave her to Nico for a while, and he couldn't comfort her and the more she cries the less patience I had and I was snapping at Stevie and Ava and really just wishing I could take EVERYTHING back and make this all go away... I finally took her back in my arms and laid her on my chest and she fell asleep almost instantly. As I was sitting there, I felt my aunt talking to me - telling me "see... all the hardships in life are worth those little moments that make your heart swell right up out of your chest. She was right. I took in the fact that Stevie and Ava had gone off to their room to play together, my sweet husband was cooking dinner in the kitchen, and the baby.... was healing my heart.

... I miss you so much it hurts...

Quoting Sheryl Crow lyrics - "No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard."

A Day in the Life Of....

Victoria Raye:

Here lately, we've managed to get a few of these out of her....

But most of the time, we just stuff her with a sucker to keep her quiet.

And if we try to get a smile for the camera by taking the sucker away, we get the look of "WTF?"

So we give the sucker back... and then it falls out and she becomes pissed...

REALLY pissed :) 

The end.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from The Durgeats

I'm Thankful For...

Sometimes I get lost in the daily grind of life. I overlook the fact that I say "NO!" more times than I say yes to my children. I stumble wearily through days with little sleep and a lack of energy and my patience is gone and I'm so overwhelmed with the new baby and a 3 yr old and just... OH MY GOSH!

I'm thankful for my husband... for ALL he does for me and for our family. His patience, although I know it's as gone as mine sometimes, is also seemingly endless. He steps in all the time, and works overtime when I've hit a spot in my day where I just can't take anymore. He loves me unconditionally - stretch marks, bad hair, whatever the case may be. He overlooks blemished skin and baby fat and doesn't say a thing when I sit in the same pajamas for two days straight. He still loves me.

I'm thankful for my Stevie. For the moments when she tells me "I'll wash Ava's hair tonight mom, it's one less thing you have to do." For the days when she comes home from school and says "I made 115 on my spelling test!" For the times that I realize how big she's getting... when she asks to get rid of the things that she enjoyed as a younger child.... when she asks us to buy her the things that will carry her through to her next stage in life. I'm thankful for how beautiful and smart she is, and SO thankful that she has friends and that she's so well liked in school! She's a great kid, and for that I am blessed.

I'm thankful for my Ava. So blessed with her life, her extreme personality, her mood swings and temper tantrums... amazed by her common sense (she blows her sister out of the water on this one!) Thankful for her beauty, for her kisses and hugs... for the nights that I tuck her into bed - and go back to find her with her blankie and her thumb, still my precious little girl. Thankful that she's in German kindergarten and starting to speak the local language.

I'm thankful for my Victoria. Thankful that she cries in the middle of the night (for at least she has breath Lord.) Thankful that she eats, and that she poops, and that she SLEEPS! I'm so thankful that she's healthy, and just as beautiful as her sisters. I'm thankful that she has completed our family and that the new chapter in our life has begun.

I'm thankful for my Zeus and my Athena... for the sweet white cat who cuddles at the foot of the bed all through the night. The same white cat who cuddles on the kids' pillows when I'm gone with the military, keeping watch as any good mother would. My sweet Athena, who pats me on the forehead at night so I'll lift the covers and let her in. My black panther, Zeus, who is not shy about letting you know when his food bowl is near empty. My little man, who begs to cuddle in my lap - so jealous of the new baby! My big teddy bear...

I'm so very thankful.... for you see, these make up my family - my home. Who needs turkey and pumpkin pie when you've got hamburger helper with a little bit of baby puke on the side?? I LOVE MY LIFE!

I promise the cake wasn't crooked when I picked it up from the baker's house!

Birth Stories - The Final Chapter

After Ava was born, we gave away everything that she'd outgrown... I was fairly certain that Ava was going to be the last baby. She outgrew her clothes, so I donated them to Airman's Attic on base. She outgrew her crib, so I sold it to a lady who needed it. I watched as she learned to crawl, and then walk, and then talk...

Then I deployed to Iraq. I spent 4.5 months in the summer heat of the desert, supporting a war that appears to never end. When I returned, a lot of my friends and people I worked with were pregnant, getting pregnant, or had babies. All it took was cuddling ONE of them as a newborn and I was hooked. It's like smelling new car smell - it stings your nose and drags you in. THEN, you need a new car :P

I had one clear reason for needing another baby. I wanted a namesake for my Aunt Vicki. I didn't know for sure that I'd have a girl, but if I did - her name would be Victoria. You see, my aunt was the last person left on my father's side of the family, and she was dying from cancer. I needed someone to carry her name, her memory.

So Nicolas and I sat down and looked at our budget. We bought a new van - we needed more room if we were going to have one more. In January, we decided that we'd try ONCE for a baby... if it happened, then it was God's will. January was the month we needed to try, because I wanted another October baby... My other two girls were born in October, so I wanted this one to be as well. For 10 days, we "tried" and when I was late the next month, I tested and smiled as it came back positive! I ordered flowers for my aunt... 3 red roses with a card attached that read "Happy Valentine's Day! Love Stevie, Ava, and Baby #3." She was overjoyed.

In April, my aunt was scheduled to undergo some pretty major surgery. Before she left for the hospital, I told her about our plan to name the baby Victoria if it turned out to be a girl. She was excited! Unfortunately, she never got to have the surgery that could have saved her life. Timing is everything in these situations and time just wasn't in her favor for this :(

May 27th turned out to be the last time I'd ever talk to my aunt. I called her for a quick chat before we left for France for Memorial Day weekend. When I got back, she'd be on her way to Colorado for vacation. It was in Colorado that her health rapidly declined. She was rushed back to the hospital in TX where she would evetually pass away. July 18, 2010 was the last day she'd ever welcome into her life. The rest of my pregnancy was bittersweet. I'd wanted desperately to fly her over prior to the birth so she could be in the room when her namesake was born. Now, I had to have faith that she'd be present, just not as I'd hoped.

My third trimester was utterly painful. I suffered from SPD, with a gap of 11.2mm in my pubic bone. I had severe edema in my legs and ankles. I worked to the very last day. On 18 October, I had my final doctor's appt, where they told me they would induce me that evening due to rising blood pressure. I went home, packed the girls up so they could spend the night with a friend, and went back to the hospital to be admitted.

7pm - I was hooked up to monitors and given a cocktail to drink to induce labor. Previously, I'd had ZERO contractions, but the doctor said that my cervix was relatively soft. Once labor started it would go quickly. The cocktail was a mix of orange juice, marmalade, and champagne. I hadn't made it through half the pitcher before the monitor showed a range of small and medium contractions. An hour later, the doc sent me to my room for the night, telling me that the cocktail wouldn't cause actual labor - it was just supposed to ripen my cervix for the events of the next day. At 0700, they said they'd give me the actual medication to finish the job. Little did EVERYONE know, we wouldn't need their medicine the next day :P

1030pm, I'm laying in bed and contractions are getting stronger and stronger. Poor Nicolas was in the bed next to mine, trying to get some sleep. I didn't want to bother him, but I knew that we needed to get down the hall. We walked down and I asked to be checked for dilation because I was quite certain the baby was on the way. Sure enough, I was at 3.5cm. They called for the epidural guy to come in and it was ON!

Midnight. Epidural is in. I keep waiting for it to kick in, but I could still feel everything but the contractions. I don't know how that happened or what kinda drugs they use over here in Germany. I was SO worried I was gooin to feel everything when Victoria came out. It happened so rapidly though... 0130am, three pushes, blammo... the baby is here. I just remember extreme pressure. I remember the midwife with her hands in my crotch and I was so certain she was ripping me in half, so I was trying to push her away. I remember them telling me to stop pushing, and not being able to stop!

I remember talking to Victoria the minute she was born. They put her on my chest, and I immediately saw her blonde hair (my aunt was blonde.) Her color was beautiful, she had a cute little round head... she was... Victoria. And then I was sad :( I wanted my Aunt Vicki there with me. And then I was happy.... I had a new baby, and my husband was there, and soon - her sisters.

She was born on her due date, not a minute before. I giggled silently to myself as that was just like a Victoria I knew - to never break the rules. Her sisters came the next day to meet her. Oh, how in awe Ava was to hold the tiny baby that had been in mommy's tummy. The tiny baby that would sit in the carseat she'd seen in the van for weeks prior. The tiny baby that would swing in the living room and sleep in the crib and wear the diapers that were in the cabinet for her. And how in love Stevie was with someone who couldn't talk back to her, and someone who wouldn't yet crawl in her room and bother her :D

Oh how not ready I was for all of this. I can say I've cried once or twice at the feeling of being overwhelmed. Ava's having such a hard time adjusting to being the middle child. I can't seem to get a grasp on a routine or a schedule, and one of THOSE is so desperately needed to keep things in order around here. We're exhausted from lack of sleep. Bless Stevie's little heart, she's truly pitched in and helped in EVERY corner of the house... from bathing Ava, to feeding Victoria, to never forgetting to make her bed on weekday mornings :D

How sweet thou art...

Isn't she absolutely BEAUTIFUL??

Proud (tired) daddy!

I love the look on Stevie's face here....

My beautiful angels!

Notice Ava, with her baby doll. She watched everything I do, and then she goes to practice on her babies :D

The long awaited moment...

Here, Ava is giving instruction on Barbie play, while watching Playhouse Disney

Believe it or not, I've got pictures of all three of the girls sleeping like this!

first FAMILY photo

Bright eyed

I love her fuzz...

I can say for sure that Victoria is the final chapter of this book we call life. And what a beautiful final chapter this turned out to be!

Birth Stories Part II

Ava Ryan Durgeat. A name that was thought of long before I ever married Nicolas.

Nicolas and I met online in 1998. We chatted nonstop for a while, and then I joined the military in 2000 and lost contact with my online world. It wasn't until 2002 when I'd moved into my apartment in Shreveport and had a baby Stevie that I finally reconnected with the friends that I'd chatted with so long ago. I'd remembered his yahoo screen name, and by chance, sent him a message to see if he'd remembered me. He did!

March of 2005 was when Nicolas and I really began communicating. I was tired of failed relationships. So many single, military guys my age were just in it for that one thing. Too many days I dreamed of having a ring on my finger so that people would stop seeing me as "that single mom." I wanted a daddy for Stevie. I wanted a best friend, and husband to share my life with. In fact, that was the hardest part about being a single parent - not having anyone to share those awesome firsts with... I was SOOO proud of who I'd become and all that Stevie and I had accomplished together, but there was no one there to see that!

October, 2005. I met Nicolas for the first time in person. He flew from Paris, France and spent 2 weeks with me. I remember all too well the feeling I had when he left. One of sheer panic, and heartbreak. We'd had such a wonderful time together, and now all I could do was lay on the floor and run my hands over the carpet where his suitcase had left marks. I desperately needed him in my life. I'm assuming the feeling was mutual, because he flew back for Christmas and stayed another two weeks :) And then... he came back in May when I returned from my second deployment to Diego Garcia and stayed 2 more weeks! And then... he met me on my doorstep in Germany when I got there in August 2006. And then, we kissed after exchanging vows and rings on December 29, 2006. And then I got news that I would be going to Iraq.

I'd never been on a combat deployment before. I was now, suddenly, TERRIFIED! I know I shouldn't have been... I'd seen all my other friends go and come back from Balad. I could DO this... Couldn't I? I don't know. I was in a panic! I remember reaching out to my aunt and asking for her opinion. I've always been one to follow my instincts, and something deep inside just told me that I wasn't ready. I'm not ashamed to admit that this is when I decided to add Ava to our family. If I was pregnant, they couldn't send me to Iraq! So Nicolas and I discussed it, and we tried, and we succeeded.

Many, many emotions overwhelmed me during my pregnancy with Ava. I was very concerned with how Stevie would handle the new addition. I remember telling her one morning that "God put a baby in my tummy last night!" (This, after we found out that I was for sure pregnant.) She seemed excited. I was nervous that she'd feel left out, because she carries my maiden name, while the rest of us carry the last name Durgeat. I'm happy to say that this was never an issue after Ava arrived. It was only an issue after I first got married. She's since decided to keep her last name because she loves it (and so do I!)

As an only child, I was nervous that I wouldn't love Ava as much as I loved Stevie. I didn't know how I'd possibly have enough love for TWO kids. I didn't feel as connected to Ava in the womb as I did with Stevie. I couldn't see myself bonding with her as I did with Stevie after she was born. All in all, I just didn't know what to expect - and that's so unlike me. I'm one who loves to daydream and then make those dreams come true!

I don't know when it exactly it happened, but I do remember staring at a beautiful pink sunset outside my bedroom window and a complete feeling of calm overcame me. I think God was telling me that everything would be ok, and that He'd handle the amount of love I'd need to raise TWO. hehehe... He was right!

The pregnancy was uneventful. No morning sickness, no complications. I was due on November 12th, and was totally hoping she'd come 3 days early (on my birthday!) Little did I know that she would come early... SO early that she was an October baby instead. The little brat :P

I've got a severe case of OCD... And for some reason, I couldn't get my floors clean enough at the time. On October 27th, 2007, we all went shopping and I ran across a vacuum cleaner that looked kinda cool! So we bought it, brought it home, and I did the ENTIRE house! (well, 2 bedroom apartment...) but still, there was a lot of dirt and cat hair to suck up. We had a dinner date at my boss's house that night because we wanted to introduce Stevie to them. They'd volunteered to keep her when I went to the hospital... Getting ready to head to their house, I went to pee and - voila! My water broke. We headed to my boss's house, dropped off the kid, and off to the hospital we went!

9 hours of labor from start to finish. We dubbed Ava the "Crotch Rocket" because I might have pushed 5 times before she flew out. She came so quickly that my epidural didn't work... the nurse almost dropped her cause she was so slippery... My husband had to hold a leg up because no one had time to fix any stirrups. The doctor didn't make it until it was time to give me my one stitch for tearing. See how quick and jumbled this birth story is?? That's how it really happened! QUICKLY, and jumbled hehe...

She has added an overwhelming amount of love to this family. She's got so much personality packed into her 3 yr old self, it's amazing. She's beautiful - taking after her daddy and his side of the family. She's a handful... recently becoming the middle child of our family. She's struggling to find her place again, but her severe love of life and making us laugh every day makes it possible for her to do this with grace. She loves her sisters so much, trying hard to be a reflection of Stevie while working diligently to be the best mommy to Victoria that she knows how to be. We love our little Ava Ryan.

5 pushes people... 5!

Daddy finally gets his turn to cuddle the bug.

Ava's 1st Birthday, Stevie's 6th. Look how Ava LOVES her!

We weren't bringing her dessert fast enough I guess...

I chapped many a lip kissing these sweet cheeks!

I concur, Daddy's chest is a sweet place to rest your weary head.

One of these years we'll get her a hat she can call her own!

Once upon a time, she loved her daddy.... then she became independent!

Don't you just wanna chow down on those chunky thighs??

Playing in the hose is cold - she'd much rather visit the indoor city pool (me too!)

Pig tails and grapes... if that ain't a recipe for smiles, I dunno what is!

I love this picture!

Bird lips and big eyes. She's gonna break hearts someday

Rockin' the Converse.

Had to post it...

Once upon a time, she completed our family... until we had one more :P

Birth Stories Part I

I thought I'd post birth stories... get them out of my brain and in written format before I forget them. After all, I did turn 31 yesterday and memory does NOT get better with age lol!

SO... we start with Part I.

Stevie Lynn was conceived on a tiny island in the middle of the Indian Ocean. I was deployed to Diego Garcia in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in January of 2002, and I guess I got bored or something one night! Anyway... in a small tent, far far away, Stevie started her life. No - she wasn't born there... she was merely conceived there!

My pregnancy with her was one of uncertainty. It was the first time I'd ever google abortion. I was unmarried, I wasn't dating her father (thank God)... I was living in someone else's townhouse back in the US, and I didn't even own a car! How on Earth was I going to raise a baby on my own? Somehow though, I KNEW that things would be ok...

Up until I got pregnant with her, I'd quit everything I ever started. All my jobs, ballet, choir, whatever.... I quit it all. I'd just get tired of doing whatever it is I did - and I'd give it up. That was a huge reason I joined the military - I knew it was something I couldn't just quit. So it was no surprise that the most influential people in my life were so disappointed when I called home to tell them I was expecting. They were so excited when I'd joined the military, but were no so afraid that I'd ruined everything on the count of "entertaining myself" one drunken night.

I vowed to prove everyone wrong. I returned from my deployment (early,) and I set out to make a life for myself. First item on the agenda, a new home... My first apartment. A one bedroom in Shreveport, Lousiana. Next, furniture. Black, leather couches, a Wal Mart entertainment center, a K-Mart kitchen table, a queen size mattress set on a bed frame, and a crib/dresser for the baby. Then, a car. I had an awesome friend who cosigned for my 1999 Honda Accord (4 door, green in color.) I promised him I'd NEVER be late for a payment... As a matter of fact, I ended up paying it off early! Thank you SO much Scott for helping me!! My beginning was in full swing. Deep inside, I was beaming with pride... I was pulling my life together with a reason for living. God sure did bless me more than I could have hoped for. I was really looking forward to having this baby!!

Sleep, wake, eat, work, and sleep.... Fast forward to October 17th, 2002. 0530am, my friend/supervisor Keri Swalley picked me up from my apartment and we headed to the hospital. Dr. Adams decided to induce me because my blood pressure was rising. Stevie would be born 2 days before her due date :D I arrived at the hospital, checked in... and at 0700, the pitocin drip was started. Keri stayed with me, and we'd decided early that we'd keep things lighthearted and fun. She joked with me, we talked about stupid stuff.... laughed together. 0830am, the doctor came in and broke my water to get things moving farther along. It was then that the REAL fun began!

By 1130am, I was dilated to 4cm and the contractions were unbearable. Keri tried to make me laugh again, but by then I was concentrating so hard on not puking that nothing was funny anymore. The epidural was administered shortly after and life was ok once again. In fact, I was on my laptop chatting with friends throughout the rest of labor! It wasn't until 2pm when I put down the computer to start pushing! 20 minutes of my best effort, and Stevie Lynn Stroud was brought into the world.

How do I describe the flood of emotions that showed when Stevie was born? I didn't just shed 1 or 2 tears of joy. I SOBBED! She was covered in goo, but she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on. All the pain of the last 9 hours couldn't possibly compare to the love that just overflowed from my heart! My firstborn love...

It wasn't until early that evening that I was finally alone with her in our hospital room. I turned off the TV and brought her to my breast and fed her and stared down at this awesome baby and just beamed. I didn't know what life had in store for us, but I DID know that everything was going to be O K! Now, writing this 8 years later.... life is O K :)

I eat everything... NOM NOM NOM!

(she still sleeps in every direction in the bed!)

LOVE her huge, blue eyes...

Hungry, right out of the womb!

8 lbs 6 oz. Thanks for my 7 stitches with your big head, homie!

I absolutely LOVED watching her sleep...

This is how she greeted me every morning... a huge stretch, and a smile!

Owning Jillian's toys! :)

Aren't her pig tails frickin' cute?!

Took this profile picture of her in downtown Shreveport

She was a spaghetti lovin' fool :D

Coulda been on the cover of Sports Illustrated don't you think?

This picture reminds me so much of me with my father (It's Stevie with her grandfather...)

19 October, in pictures...

Victoria's birthday... just too many details! Maybe someday I'll write them all out, but in the meantime... here's a brief, in pictures!

Beyond the "forbidden doors" is where the MAGIC happened! (I always laughed cause of the neon letters over the door!) Made me think I was giving birth on the strip in Vegas!

Yea, a child is born!

Oh yeah, take a picture of the time! (she was actually born at 0132am)

They cleaned her up, and then she got to meet mommy...

And then mommy had to share with Daddy... DARNIT!

Hours later, Victoria got to meet big sister, Ava. Ava fell in love.

Her baby dolls don't cuddle like she does :D

With school over and homework done, Stevie got to come up and meet Baby V. Can you see the look of wonder and amazement on her face??

Mommy's three angels... All three girls, all born in October!

A quick peek at the punk who refused to sleep in her crib. She's taking up half of mommy's hospital bed!

The pediatrician (who also examined Ava 3 years earlier), making sure the monkey is fit for the zoo!

Victoria's first bath...

I love how concerned Ava is!

A VERY jealous feline...

She's been waiting an awfully long time to fill this position :)