She is with Me...

I wish I could lay all of my thoughts out on the table and sort them, and throw out all the ones that are USELESS and random and put back all the ones that are necessary to survive. I'm overwhelmed and finding it difficult to cope every now and then.

I think I've got a pinch of postpartum depression. I didn't feel this down after I had my first two kids... I was so excited and in love with them and so happy to take them around and show them off. Victoria on the other hand, has been difficult to manage. My first two children didn't cry the way she does. She's needy, clingy, and cries about everything. Our first two children were and are extremely independent, but Victoria needs to be held ALL the time. I think she's getting better (because as I type, she's sleeping in her swing beside me.) Until now, though, it's been difficult, for me anyway. God bless my husband for taking that weight from me because all too often I just can't handle the crying. 

I'm ashamed to admit that there has been a time or two where I've looked at her screaming face and thought "I got pregnant for the wrong reasons, and I'm not sure she's what I want anymore." I got pregnant to name her Victoria. I got pregnant to share her with my aunt. My aunt died before she got here. Now what? Now I'm left with a screaming infant that sometimes, I just wanna slam dunk into the crib and run away.

I know my aunt is with me though. In her life, she was so afraid of holding babies. She just KNEW she'd break one. She came to visit me when Ava was 9 months old, and I asked Vicki if she'd ever held a sleeping baby on her chest and she said no. So I placed Ava on her, and Vicki told me that her heart just swelled beneath her chest. -- The other day was no different for me. I was sad, and angry that Victoria just wouldn't stop crying... I gave her to Nico for a while, and he couldn't comfort her and the more she cries the less patience I had and I was snapping at Stevie and Ava and really just wishing I could take EVERYTHING back and make this all go away... I finally took her back in my arms and laid her on my chest and she fell asleep almost instantly. As I was sitting there, I felt my aunt talking to me - telling me "see... all the hardships in life are worth those little moments that make your heart swell right up out of your chest. She was right. I took in the fact that Stevie and Ava had gone off to their room to play together, my sweet husband was cooking dinner in the kitchen, and the baby.... was healing my heart.

... I miss you so much it hurts...

Quoting Sheryl Crow lyrics - "No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard."