Dust in the Wind

It's been years since I've had an internet pal... the kind that you connect with on emotional levels, and correspond with via email on a daily basis. I think I've found a new one! Unfortunately, under the saddest of circumstances...

I recently joined a network called Chemo Angels, and we're paired with patients who need ANGELS!! People, like me, who are willing to send handwritten cards or letters through the regular mail to give them something to look forward to. Words of encouragement, a show of support to get them through some of their darkest days.

My first patient was Jed Brady Thomas Suckling. From what I know, he was diagnosed with a form of brain cancer at the age of 3. THREE!!! The thought alone makes me look at my 3.5 year old and drop to my knees in praise to the Lord for her health. I overlooked his age though and simply set about my calling. I thought of exciting things to share with Jed (aka Noonie Pants!) I wrote him a letter about my job. I'm a soldier after all - what little boy doesn't like "army" stuff! I shared pictures of jets that I knew about... His mommy tells me he loved those a lot!

I was also excited because they're from South Africa. I've never met anyone from South Africa before. I so desperately wanted to get to know him! THEM!

I'm sad to report that Noonie lost his courageous battle with his cancer. He was just 6 years old. I only got to send him 2 letters... I still have a stack of cards and a couple of gifts that I'd bought in advance that I planned to send to him over time. It's too hard to even open the cabinet to see the stuff. I'm left wondering.... why? Why Noonie? Why not a murderer or someone more evil who deserved to die? Why Noonie?

I wrote to his mother, Bonnie... thinking she probably wouldn't write back. After all - I'm a stranger. She probably has more than a handful of friends who have 1,000 words of encouragement.  But I took a chance and sent her a message. Then another... and another... She's suffering a great deal right now. She was a single mother to Jed - her entire life was dedicated to caring for him, and now he's gone. She held him until his last breath. . . She described in painfully vivid detail the experience of watching him leave this Earth. I'm shattered by her pain.

I tucked my Ava into bed after reading her description of losing Jed. . . I had a vision in my head of her waiting while her little boy was cremated, to be able to take him home... I looked at Ava's sweet face and tried to imagine Bonnie's pain. I tried to imagine myself completely helpless while my child struggled for life... and I closed my eyes with my hand on Ava's cheek and imagined her warm little body turning to dust, and falling through my fingers. An abyss opened in the pit of my soul - one that I pray to God I never have to visit... ever.

I'll continue sending messages to Bon. Maybe someday we'll meet, maybe we won't. She writes me back - and I get excited when I see messages from her. I HOPE that my words bring her a smile, take her mind off the pain - if only for a second... I was brought to Jed for more than just 2 letters, I believe that.

There's so much more to share about Bonita... her strength, her love, her compassion... another blog. For now, I'll send her a message bidding her goodnight. I know that sleep does not come easy these days. If you're reading - please take time to say a small prayer for her? She just needs light... courage - and light to guide the way to healing. Thanks...

Bon and Nooooonie! (RIP sweet boy - 03 Nov 2004 to 11 Jul 2011)