Reminiscing

I was young... riding in the back seat of a green car. I remember the upholstery. I remember the smell of the car, the heat of the seats in the summertime. I remember running across tile floors and sliding on my knees. I remember hiding behind a tall wall, slapping the paneling with tiny fingers.

There were rollercoaster rides in the back of a suburban. Laughing children staring out the back window, raising their arms high as they went over hills and down dips in the road. There were cherry slushes on warm days and hot chocolate on winter nights.

Traditions carried on... Easter egg hunts, Christmas trees, Thanksgiving dinners. There were birthday surprises, tooth fairies, toys, clothes, and laughter. There were summer vacations, Six Flags, Sea World and Big Bend. There were puppies and kitties and bunnies and goats... hamsters and birds.

I had a father and a mother and I was whole.

Then came the tears. I remember the darkness, the drowning... the clawing and grasping for breath and the horrible ache that came when he left. I remember the daze that ensued - years of confusion and the death of motivation. I remember the false happiness I created for myself... the necessary measures I reached for to keep myself alive.

I remember the absence. I remember standing on the outside, looking in. I wanted, and I asked... I was never let back in.

I walked away. I made a mental list of things I wanted to do with my life and I tucked that away deep inside and I traveled on. I conquered childbirth and marriage, world travel and a successful career. I overcame a painful past and my smiles are genuine and I am whole again. I have found my home.

I will never forget the cold air and crisp yellow grass crunching under my feet as the house was decorated with lights for the holidays. I will carry with me the warm nights when friends and I would run all over town wrapping houses with toilet paper for Halloween. I have memorized the smell of crayons and glue and the way my feet echoed down the long corridor to the girls bathroom in 1st grade. Fall festivals, graduation, school dances, birthday parties at DQ... Sutton Co. Days, rodeos, sunset drives, counting deer on the side of the road at dusk. No, I will never forget.