In 1998 - I was in a very bad place in life. I had absolutely no self discipline. I had no will to live. I existed, on a dirty couch, in a dirty trailer, in the middle of nowhere. I was high 80% of the time. I was eating other people's food. I could not repay my debts. My aunt saw this in me, and she begged and pleaded with me to climb out of this ditch I'd thrown myself into. I still have her letter... the one where she practically sold the military idea to me. I tucked it safely away - and eventually followed her advice which led to numerous experiences and successes in my life.
Even though she's not with me... she continues to bless me with very obvious signs that she is ALL around me; my guardian angel. For example: http://jdurgeat.blogspot.com/2013/07/more-than-just-coincidence.html
Back in December, I'd gotten bored and decided to "google" myself to see where I existed in cyberspace. A few links popped up, one of them being my aunt's online guestbook associated with her obituary. I decided to pull it up and read through the entries to see if anyone new had written that I hadn't seen yet. There was an entry from an individual who grew up with my aunt... who knew my father, and her parents were friends with my grandparents. I immediately found comfort in the thought that stories of my family did not in fact go to the grave with my aunt! There is someone left in the world who can tell me about them. They can tell me new stories that I hadn't heard! I was excited... I called this individual, and we spoke for quite a bit of time. (keep this in your mind as I continue writing...)
Lately, I've been in such an emotional rut. When I decided to transition away from the military, I'd envisioned coming "home" to Texas and catching up with friends that I thought I had. I knew I had quite a bit of family around where we wanted to settle, and I thought they'd be more present than they are. Unfortunately, I couldn't be more wrong. 95% of my friends have lives that don't have room for me. My Texas family is not at all like I'd hoped. Yes, they're loving and accepting - but I want them PRESENT in my life, and it seems the only time I see them is when I go the extra mile to be with them. That's ok too... just not what I envisioned when I came home. I had such high hopes of buying a house right away and establishing my life... MY things... MY house... MY job... MY LIFE! But we've met everything with a roadblock. Couldn't get a mortgage without credit history (Nico's). I've had a really rough time getting a job because I've been overqualified for a lot.
My depression has seeped over into my personal life. It's affected everything. My sex drive drove away. My desire to do ANYTHING other than sit my butt on the couch had disappeared. I volunteered to help at places that ended up not needing me. I applied to work at places that chose other people. I wanted to be friends with people who didn't need my friendship.
Earlier this month, I applied for a job that I didn't know if I'd get or not. Remember 3 paragraphs ago when I mentioned I'd googled my name and found someone that I felt called to communicate with? Her husband happened to be the former president of the company I applied to work for. I got down on my knees (via email) and asked if there was anything he could do to help me in my quest for employment. Within 2 weeks, I was hired. This is more than coincidence.
Yesterday, when ALL hope was lost... I received a letter in the mail from the people who bought my aunt's house. It was the sweetest letter... a source of comfort in a time of despair. She was reaching out to me through them... through her home... it was amazing. There's no doubt in my mind that she's with me, all around me... giving me direction when I need it the most.
No comments:
Post a Comment