Jen's Journal: Be Still...

My aching heart... the tears that start without notice... Be still.

~Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives.~ John Galsworthy.

Last night before bed, like I always do, I opened the front door and called for Zeus to come in. I didn't hear the jingle of his collar. I figured he'd wandered and was choosing to stay outside for the evening. I thought, it hasn't been so cold so why not? Even still, as I fell asleep last night, I thought about the what if's. What if he got hit by a car? What if he freezes overnight? Would I cremate him or simply pay to have him "disposed of." After all, if he's dead... it's just a body. I brushed away the thoughts and fell asleep.

This morning, I woke up and got the kids ready for school. I opened the front door and lying there on the front lawn was Zeus. I called his name and he didn't lift his head. I immediately knew. I scurried Ava to the car because I didn't want her to be sad. I looked back and noticed Stevie hadn't rounded the corner yet. I knew she'd figured it out. As she got in the car, I asked her to stay quiet, for Ava's sake. She and I cried quietly in the front seat. I texted Nico to let him know what we knew. I dropped the girls off and bawled my eyes out all the way home. Fortunately, Nico had him in a box when I arrived. I made the choice then to cremate him. I didn't want my boy in the dump.

Rewind about 10.5 years. I walked into a pet store, specifically in search of a black cat. They had one, a male... they said he was free, as long as I bought a bag of catfood for him. I took him, and hated him almost immediately! He was the Tasmanian devil in the car, all the way home. Once inside the house, he shredded into the couches with his claws, meowed and yowled, and I thought wow... you're really not going to last here!

The first night home, however... I took a shower and crawled into bed. He jumped up on the covers with me, and made his way up to the pillow. He batted at my face with his paws, blinked his eyes.. I told him "you better do something sweet if you plan to stay here long!" A few moments later, he nuzzled his nose into the back of my hair and proceeded to massage my head until he fell asleep. My love for him was sealed.