All That's Left...

Almost 4 days later, and I can still hear his collar jingle when I open the front door. I find myself staring blankly out at the spot where I found him lying on the front lawn... Is the grass flat? How long was he laying there? Was he there, alive, when I tried to call him in that night? Was he quiet and sick, in the dark... where I couldn't see him? Did he die suddenly, without suffering? Did he wish he was inside, curled up in my arms? 

The morning that I drove him to the vet to be cremated... I kept telling myself that I SHOULD pull over into a parking lot and crawl into the back of the van and cry for a bit with him... stroke his silky black fur and say goodbye. I didn't let myself do it though... I don't know why grieving publicly is so hard for me. I do the same when I visit my father's grave. I rarely get out of the car. I just pull up beside him and turn off the engine and whisper into the wind, leaving before I have a chance to cry. (I regret not pulling into the parking lot with Zeus.)

Today, they called and said his ashes were ready to be picked up. I used to work at this clinic... I used to hand out the white bags with the wooden boxes filled with loved ones. I would cry if they cried. Today, I was on the receiving end of that white bag. I scurried into the van before I could cry and set him on the passenger seat. I buckled my seatbelt and began to drive away. I hit a bump in the road and I heard his collar jingle inside the bag. I lost all sanity. I waited for a bit, and then I let my hand search inside that white bag and I pulled out his collar. I shook it, over and over and over again. I let that familiar jingle fill the air because the silence was deafening. I cried fiercely. I'm still crying, like a lunatic. I got home and shared this small package with Stevie, and we hugged and cried together, again... 

I let Athena sniff his collar. Her ears perked up when she heard the familiar jingle too. She started to look for him, but I held up his collar for her to smell and she laid her head back down on her paws. 

I've got a friend who recently lost her kitty, too... She described it perfectly when she said that she felt like maybe it's better to not even have pets! However, another friend who lost her puppy described it perfectly too when she said "They are pure little souls with no hidden agenda or ulterior motive and they spent their entire lives just loving our families. It's just heartbreaking to lose that kind of love!"

I can tell myself that Zeus was "just a cat" to try and make it hurt less... but it's a huge lie. Zeus was my comfort before I had a husband. He was "the man" in my life who shared the other half of the bed... who cuddled with me and made me laugh. I miss him... I love him... and this pain - SUCKS!