Into the Light

I remember the last time I felt like this... it was September of 2000. I was past boot camp, past tech school, and was finally at my first base and getting into the swing of learning a new job. I had new friends... I was independent, for the most part. I had new found freedoms and a lust for life and I was on a high that I thought would last forever!

These past few months, I was on a low, SO low that I didn't know if I could recover myself. I felt like I'd lost my independence. I was depressed... I was really depressed... How do I know? I wasn't suicidal - but I really didn't want to wake up anymore. My life was a sad repetition of waking up, and going to sleep. I was just going through the motions and I lost my ability to be happy.

There are forces in my life that have always pushed me back on track when I least expected it. Forces who put people on my path when I need them the most. Forces who lead me through open doors when I may not realize that they're opening for me. Last month, the fog lifted and all of my dreams started coming true... The small dreams, like finding a real job outside of the military... the small dreams, like buying a home and having a place of our own to raise our girls. Not renting... not living in someone else's house. OUR house. It's so funny how these two simple things have transformed me.

It's not just having a real job... it's a job that makes me feel important. It's a job with coworkers that I've already grown to really enjoy and appreciate. I could even LOVE them someday soon! It's an environment that is strikingly familiar to the one I left behind... one that I was comfortable in, one that I loved.

I love this high. I want to ride it for as long as it lasts. I'm so relieved to finally be out in the light where I can see my life, and my happiness, and goals... where I can enjoy the small things, and laugh at the silly things and not dwell on the other stuff that seems so petty now.