Full Circle

Growing up in Sonora, I never thought I'd leave that tiny town. The idea of growing up and moving away and living somewhere other than the only place I'd ever known was absolutely terrifying. It never occurred to me that there would come a day where I'd be without a father, or a mother... where I'd have to learn to wake myself for school at the age of 16... where I'd have to put myself to bed each night in an empty house... where I'd have to pay my own bills and feed myself... This was the beginning of a handful of endings that would piece together my life.

I moved on. Continuing to live was as simple as breathing. Like learning to walk, from a crawl... one second becomes a minute, becomes an hour, and so on.

I struggled, but eventually planted roots in Shreveport, LA. My first real job... the beginning of a career. Friends... new friends... friends from strangers that I'd met all on my own. New love... heartbreak... childbirth... old friends... goodbyes... retirements... bike rides and rainstorms and laughter and homesickness. Ohhh my heart broke when my Emily packed her house to move away. I knew when I hugged her goodbye that last time, that things would never be the same for us again. My best friend... my sister... my mentor... but still, I breathed, and life went on.

Then Germany... 6 years of blessings. Travel, a husband, more children, a larger family... deployments, and more travel and sunrises and sunsets and the gorgeous landscape and the castles and cathedrals and Turkey and Israel and Italy and our villa and bike rides on the country roads and the smell of cow manure and fireworks for New Years. In the 6+ years I was there, I never wanted to come back to Texas.... but I missed it. I missed Texas tremendously. I missed my hometown of Sonora. I missed the taste of the desert sand in my mouth. I missed the cactus and the mesquite trees and the sunset drives to count deer on the side of the road. I missed the crunch of yellow grass in the winter and the sweat drenched summer afternoons... I missed my MawMaw's house and big family holidays and my old high school friends.

When things went downhill with my military career, we made the decision to move home. It wasn't an easy one to make. For months, I drove every backroad around where we lived in Germany so I could memorize all of it. The smell of the wet roads in the forest... the trees. The hawks on the fence posts. Much like when I said goodbye to Emily, I knew when I left Germany that it would never be the same. I prepared for that traumatic farewell. I tried to, at least. It wasn't an easy preparation. I treated every day like a farewell... Last time on the B51... Last time on the B50. Last trip to the BX, commissary, Last day of work... last time I'll drive by the runway... last time I'll hear an F16 take off... last smell of jet fuel. Last time I'll wear this uniform. Last trip to France... last hug with the family. Even in the middle of all the farewells - I had my eyes set on home.

I write this from Texas. Sitting in the home we finally bought. Almost 8 months into a new job that I've fallen madly in love with.  It's been almost 4 years since we arrived home, and I think I'm getting closer to being able to say that I've come full circle. From not imagining ever being able to leave Sonora, to finally landing in a place that I'm ok with being. I miss the absolute HELL out of Europe. I see pictures of those good ol' days when the girls were babies and the holidays we spent with family there and my heart spills over into my eyes and I can't breathe because it hurts so bad. I MISS them. I miss EVERYTHING about Europe. I have, however, realized that even if I moved back, that I'd miss home. I'd miss Texas... the way I miss Emily. The way I miss Sonora. I am blessed to have ever had things in my life that I loved that much.

I will water these roots that I have planted... and I will watch whatever it is that unfolds... and I will miss the things that I loved - all while smiling at the marvelous memories they made! I will continue to breathe... to move forward... so that my children will have the opportunity to come to this same realization when their opportunity arises.