I Can't Love You...

In 2002, you rocked my world. You opened up doors within my soul that I didn't even know existed. You taught me more than I ever could have learned without you. Most importantly, you showed me the definition of love... those tiny fingers and toes... rolling over in the middle of the night to see that sweet, newborn face peeking up out of the covers on the other side of the bed. I'd lay there with your tiny baby fingers wrapped around mine forever and just smell you! Sweet, baby lotion... tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart because I couldn't love you... not enough.

It was you and me against the world. We woke up early and got ready for work and daycare. Hours turned into days, and weeks, and months. You crawled... grew teeth... walked... smiled, laughed, played. We shared first holidays together... bought my first car together. Decorated our first Christmas tree, together. You've always been my pride and joy... my greatest accomplishment... my BEAUTIFUL... and I couldn't love you... not enough.

My greatest pain was not having anyone to share you with. All the love that you put in my heart was so overwhelming! Every time you did something new, said something that made me laugh.... I couldn't turn to anyone to see if they'd noticed, too! Those were the times when it was too much...

I see you now, baby... your tiny wings are growing restless and you're looking around at everything in your life, and I know that there will come a day when you're going to want to fly. I sense your curiosities and your desires... and now comes the time, again, when I know that I can't love you... not enough...

Not enough to save you from the heartbreak of knowing that your biological father will never love you the way that you'd love for him to. Not enough to protect you from the pain that will come with boyfriend breakups that are eventually on the horizon... Not enough to cure the ache when your friends are unavailable on the weekends because they're doing other things, without you. Not enough to fast forward time through all the awkward experiences into the comfort of the successful adult life that you deserve.

...and oh, does that hurt my heart.

I just hope that you DO know that I DO love you enough to always be here for you... that I will maintain this nest for as long as I'm alive, so that you have a safe place to come back to... that my shoulder will always be available, should you need a place to cry. That my heart is always open.... that my hugs are always free... that I will always love you.... and that you will always be the best part of me!