Officially...

No really - it just might have. Grab a drink - this might be a long post.

So. I've always considered myself a Christian. I'm "spiritual". I pray when I feel I need to. I've never been an avid church-goer. I was forced into the house of the Lord as a child, because my mother felt it was where I needed to be on Sunday morning. (I would have much preferred to chill out with dad!) Once I was old enough to make my own decisions, I avoided that place like the plague. I joined the military, and some of the more experienced boot campers advised my flight to GO TO CHURCH on Sunday!! So I went... all 6 Sundays that I had in basic training, I attended the contemporary service (but selfishly, not for the Lord. I did it to escape the confines of our strict environment.) Sure I cried at the sound of music, and I sang and danced with my sisters... but was I there for the right reasons? Surely not!

There've been times over the past few years where I've wanted to go to church, but I was nervous about going. I'm not a "feminine" person - don't own many church-goin' clothes. I always stayed away because I feared what others would think of me if I showed up in jeans and a sweatshirt! Had a hard time deciding which church to attend, and would ultimately chicken out because I didn't want to walk through those doors alone as "that NEW girl!" I was comfortable believing that I had a personal relationship with Christ that didn't require my presence in His home to support it.

Then, I had a daughter. And another - and another. As my oldest daughter got older, I realized I had an obligation to teach her about God. We'd toured Europe, and been in many cathedrals, and I had a 4 year old who asked why Jesus hung on the cross... why He always looked so sad. I told her what I could - but I painfully realized that I didn't know enough to educate my children on the word of God. I still stayed away on Sundays - but there's a whole week in the summer dedicated to Vacation Bible School that I could sign her up for! She could go have fun, learn, and I wouldn't have to face the masses in my jeans and sweatshirt!

But you see - my daughter was 6 when she first went to VBS. The second year, I went to pick her up and had my 2.5 year old in tow and she got to see the tail end of a day at VBS. She witnessed the singing and the dancing and the fun that went on in God's house and she wanted to go back. Unfortunately, they don't have an age group for her.

Last summer, my path crossed with that of my neighbor. We'd only previously talked in passing, but over the last few months we've grown closer... We swap babysitting... play with kids on the playground... have enjoyed a dinner or two together. I can't believe she kept talking to me after our first couple conversations together. By nature, I'm a rather negative, judgemental individual. So I talk a LOT of trash about anyone who deserves to be talked about! However, I stayed drawn to my neighbor - because she was such a positive, God fearing individual. Her children spoke of Jesus (and they're so young!) She's so Christian it makes me wanna puke sometimes. :) At the same time though - she's a normal human. She and her husband partake in the alcohol. The use the occasional cuss word. He serves in the military like I do. We're completely different people - but in all honesty... she made me want to be a better person. They're both very active in a local church, so their whereabouts every Sunday morning got my wheels to churning again. I want to be better. I want my children to know more. I need to be there.

I kept pushing the idea of church on Sunday to the back of my head. Seriously. I mean, Saturday is my day to sleep in - and I try to pay Nicolas back by letting him have Sunday. I get TWO days a week where I don't have to be anywhere. I'm SELFISH. I need ME time. But out of some weird side-thought one night, my 3 year old says to me "Mommy, you go to church with me?" Mind you - we haven't talked about church since we took Stevie to VBS last August... so where this thought came from - NO CLUE. I couldn't help but to tell her maybe, while in the back of my mind I knew... I had to take her. How can I deny my child a relationship with her God? The answer - I can't.

I told myself last night that if I woke up early enough on Sunday - then that would be the deciding factor. Well, God made sure of it. 0630am on the dot, Victoria squirms in her bed needing a bottle. **sigh** Ok. OK God, I hear you talking. I get up and feed her. While I'm sitting here enjoying her beady little eyes, I'm working on my own courage. Today is the day - no excuses. Ava wakes up. I'm running through her closet in my head, picking out her church clothes. Baby's fed, Ava's dressed... Stevie wakes up. Pick out Stevie's clothes... Jump in the shower, find something decent. Nope - not jeans and a sweatshirt! I think we all looked great for our first day!


0820, I saw my neighbor's van downstairs so I rang her doorbell... totally wanting to surprise her with our decision to go to church this morning. I was looking for a bit of comfort - hoping to follow them there so I wouldn't be walking in alone. Unfortunately, her husband was called for work so they wouldn't be going this morning. OH NO! A hurdle... Lord, give me the strength to not chicken out. No problem, we'll figure this church thing out!

I show up really early. I'm glad. I immediately start talking to a really nice guy who was getting stuff ready for coffee. Little by little, everyone showed up and they were so accepting of us. Introductions and handshakes and smiles and... NICENESS. We found Ava's class, and Stevie ran off to find hers, and I found myself in with some wonderful ladies. We studied some in Peter this morning, about Holiness, Reverence, and Obedience. I had to admit to them that I'd never been asked to look something up in the bible - couldn't tell you the books it contained... I mean, I know a couple, but nothing by heart. But I felt better for BEING there.

Class ran a little late. Afterwards, we all came together and sang and prayed, and learned about Nehemiah. We learned that joy comes from obedience. It's hard to explain, but it felt like everything they talked about at church today was directed right at me! Nehemiah, Chapter 8... the people needed revival, so they asked for the law to be read - and they stood and listened... and they bowed and wept. Is that not what I did today? I needed revival... I went, and asked to understand.... and I listened (and believe it or not, I cried) but that's a different post. Yessiree - God spoke to me today.

There is some stuff I need to ease into. I'm still selfish Jen. I'm still self conscious. I'm still judgemental. (Who was that chick in the second pew who kept raising her hands to the sky while singing hymns?) Seriously... that's so weird. I just can't open up like that! And the people behind us who let their kid play nintendo while everyone else was listening to the sermon. Really? NINTENDO IN CHURCH?! Come on people - leave it at home. But... I feel better for taking my children... for allowing them the opportunity to learn about their Creator. For giving them yet another experience in life. I do hope to go back every possible Sunday. I'd like to be able to get to a point where I can answer life's questions when my children (or grandchildren) ask in the future.