Forgiveness

    For the longest time... maybe forever... I've struggled with the subject of forgiveness. I have resented people and harbored such animosity toward experiences and situations that it almost seemed certain that I'd never understand or achieve forgiveness. I laughed at the idea. Felt like it was ABSOLUTELY ABSURD that I could shrug off the way I'd been treated by people, especially when it felt so undeserved.

    And then I went for a drive last night. I went for a drive and I talked, out loud, to myself in order to sort through all of the negativity that I couldn't let go of. I named each of my archnemeses aloud and listed out WHY they bothered me so much... I started from the bottom of the totem pole and worked my way up to who I thought would've been sitting on the very top... and I started that sentence with "and how do I forgive my mother?" And I took 5-10 minutes to just be so angry... to play things over in my mind, all the retold stories, all the hurt feelings, all of the toxic behaviors, the vicious cycles... and...

    

    The common denominator in EVERY scenario that I could never see, was me. The flood gates opened. I took a deep breath and said it aloud, over and over and over... "I forgive me." I forgive myself for being too young to know better at the time. I forgive myself for not knowing, so I allowed it to continue. It was amazing the weight that was lifted, and the vision that I could see when that realization unfolded. All those archnemeses... I owed them the apology. The thing with my mother... I forgave her long ago. I just had to put myself in a place where I don't have to continue forgiving her because she continues to hurt me. The end goal was always to forgive myself. 

    I drove an extra few miles after that... talking to my inner child... Reassuring her that I was always with her... I was there when she got married... I was there when she thought she was alone. I was there when she had her babies... It sounds silly - but it was such a comforting, therapeutic place that I went to last night in my mind and in my heart. Now, to focus on cleaning up after this emotional storm. It's been a few years! Silver linings do exist... I have found my forgiveness.