The Durgeat Diary

Pastel Pumpkins

2012-01-27T09:47:00.000-08:00

Stevie recently brought home a permission slip from her art teacher. It was asking for our "blessing" to allow her to log into an online art account to access projects she'd done at school. Being the terrible mother that I am, I laid the paperwork aside cause I mean - who REALLY takes an interest in their kid's stick figures and scribbles? Stevie asked after a few days if I'd set up her account for Artsonia, and I guiltily admitted that I hadn't, but I would. (I could obviously see that it was important to her.)

I had Nicolas set it up this week while I was at work. When I got home and logged in to see what this awesome "art stuff" was all about, my daughter's artwork took my breath away. I NEVER knew she had it in her... I was always less than impressed with her lack of effort into the annual fire prevention poster contest. She can color in a book, but nothing extraordinary. But as I stared back at the art on the screen - I was floored.

Pastel Pumpkin (in chalk)

This, from my 9 yr old. A 4th grader. (I'm 32 and I STILL can't do this.) I am so very proud of her :D

A Half is not a Whole

2012-01-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

My husband is awesome. In his own words, he works 0645am to 2045pm every day. He's a house-husband. (And they said being a housewife was the hardest job in the world) The house-husband not only has to take care of the kids, cook, straighten up, etc... but he's also got to do the things that the wife needs done. Nicolas isn't my other half... He's like my other three-quarters. How do I know? Because I'm dying without him.

Occasionally, a three-day weekend comes along and I want to give back to the husband who does so much. I realize that it can get exhausting, looking after 3 little girls (and one big one) all the time! So, while we're in Europe, I try to afford him every opportunity to go have some time to himself and take a breather from us. It usually consists of a three-day weekend with his cousin in the Netherlands. I don't know what they do together when he's there (and really don't care...) Just so long as Nicolas is happy... sleeping late, drinking beer, and just being free of all the worry and stress here at home. I love when he comes home re-charged and ready for another couple months of hard work :)

But... a couple of hours after he leaves - my fire starts to go out... I picked up Victoria this afternoon and looked out the window at the setting sun and thought to myself "ugh... this is going to be the longest 3-day weekend of them all." I almost cried. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do (or needed to do!) The only thing I could think of that was missing from my life, was him. He emailed - he made it safe.

Just about the only good thing with him being gone, is I get to hog the bed all to myself. Oddly enough - when he isn't here.... I find myself drawn to his side of the bed. As if there's a magnetic pull, my body looking for that other three-quarters that is missing. I know, it's only 2 nights and he'll be back. Until then, I'll find something to keep my mind off of him! (I love you baby...)

Start From the Beginning

2012-01-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

Day 1. 20 minutes of walking is all "the plan" called for - but I did 30 (just cause I'm not QUITE a beginner, but still a beginner.) I also worked on pushups and situps... did some lunges and Russian twists. Goal for Wednesday, to have a FOR SURE plan for a muscular workout prior to my 30 minutes of walking that is required.

I'm keeping my plan a secret for now. I love that I'm motivated to achieve it! I've wanted it more now than I ever have, and for my own personal reasons. I feel like if I tell the world what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, it will take away from what makes it special to me.

So for now - I ask for support from my family and friends... shoot me an email occasionally or leave me a message on facebook and just remind me to "Remember your plan!" It will be these God sent messages of encouragement that see me through to the end.

Things I Never Had

2011-12-27T12:59:00.000-08:00

Part of the joy of parenting, is being able to provide my children with the things I never had. The list is HUGE - but this blog was meant to be simple.... sharing photos of their afternoon spent with the joys of Christmas :D Enjoy!

They see me rollin'....

On cloud 9!

Look Ma - no feet!

Victoria has all control over the radio :D

(don't worry - she's wearing her seatbelt!)

What A Smiling Heart Looks Like...

2011-12-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

In the sweetest, 9 yr old handwriting:
"Dear Santa,
We left you some sugar cookies and milk. in the fridge.
Love: family
P.S. don't eat the ginger bread house its not tasty. Oh and can you try to write back so I can have proof you are real. because someone told me you aren't real."

And on golden, winter stationary... in very neat handwriting:
"Dear Stevie,
Merry Christmas! I can't tell you how much I love this time of year. Everyone is so full of joy and cheer. It really brings a smile to my face.
I'm especially proud of you this year. Promethius, my head elf of the education tracking department, reported that you got straight As! How wonderful! It's been about 1,000 years since I've been in school but I remember how hard it was to just get one A.
I've also noticed how much you've grown up since last Christmas. You are such a kind and generous young lady. I really liked how you were thoughtful enough to give your rollerblades to Alizeonna. The most precious gifts we can give are those given in love and self-sacrifice, which is what you've done. I'm so proud of you!
I hear that some of your friends have stopped believing in me, which makes me very sad. I only wish I could change their minds. Unfortunately once a child stops believing I can never visit them again. That's the way my magic works. So ignore those who say mean things because its the belief and thankfulness in your heart that keeps me returning every Christmas.
Thank you for the cookies and I hope you like the decorations. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
Santa"

Before Stevie discovered her letter, we discovered Santa's festive decorations that welcomed us home from a Christmas with family in France:

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

It's a Christmas PARTAY up in here!

I don't have pictures of the rest... but there's cotton snow all over just about everything... My heart was too busy smiling and the paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling :D Once inside from our 5 hour road trip, the girls got down to business with the gifts!

V's first real Christmas.... Way too much fun!

All she wanted from Santa was a pink guitar, and a pink microphone!

Great... more stuff that makes noise!

Golden paper only comes from Santa! (the LPS treehouse she's been waiting for!)

I got a pink guitar Mommy!

Otherworldly

2011-12-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

So there I was.... sitting on the toilet on the 3rd floor of my mother-in-law's house on Christmas day. No, I won't fill you with details about what went on in there!

But I took a few extra moments while emptying the pipes, to take in all the noise coming from above and below me. My two oldest daughters were upstairs with their cousins, playing hide-and-seek. Not a big deal - unless you take into account that the cousins only speak French. To hear my daughters counting in French and doing their best to get past the language barrier to have fun :D Makes for a wonderful experience.

Later on, I sat at the dining room table surrounded in loads of family... I thought back to my first Christmas spent here... Alex (my nephew) was just a baby, and Stevie was only 4. This year, there were 4 cousins running up and down the stairs chasing after one another while Victoria toddled around the living room. We've added a generation to the household. . . The presents overflowed under the tree. The love, all around. Family. Christmas. Home.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and smiled from the inside out. All that I have seems so otherworldly... but here I am :)

Alex, Stevie, Martin and Ava - jibjabbing it up!

Who is this clown?

Rudolphs, the red nosed reindeer!

Merry Christmas!

There IS such a thing as "too much Christmas."

Right Now

2011-12-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

Borrowed this from Candie's blog... always looking for SOMETHING to write about :D

Right now I am...

Watching: Harry Potter (my husband downloaded them all... so we're catching up.)

Eating: Nothing. But Nicolas just started dinner, so we'll be eating soon!

Drinking: saliva, and daydreaming about a heaping glass of chocolate milk.

Wearing: My favorite American Eagle jeans and one of my PT shirts.

Avoiding: Getting up. This chair is by far the best thing I've EVER purchased!

Feeling: Unsettled. While I'm comfy in my chair, I'm thirsty... and hungry... and there's SO much that needs to be done - but not enough "want" in my step to get it done!

Missing: My Aunt Vicki... and Christmas in Texas.

Thankful: For the little successed I've had recently that have put my mind at ease.

Weather: cold, but missing snow. SNOW!!

Needing: Something to drink... New Years plans... and 5th anniversary ideas!

Thinking: about MAYBE getting out of this chair and accomplishing stuff that needs to get done.

Loving: My family... this living room... these Christmas decorations.

What are you doing right now?

Thankful - Day 23 and 24

2011-11-24T12:33:00.000-08:00

Thankful that I made it to Thanksgiving and I don't have to be THANKFUL ANYMORE!!

Bring on the Merry...

Thankful - Day 22

2011-11-22T11:57:00.001-08:00

So thankful that I only have ONE MORE DAY of work, and then another 4 day weekend. A small Thanksgiving planned here at home with my little family, and a weekend of holiday decorating :D Let the season begin!!

Thankful - Day 21

2011-11-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

Thankful for Nico's warmth on cold nights... LOVE curling up next to him in a cold room.

Thankful for Stevie's help! With age comes responsibility and less things that I have to do!!

Thankful for Ava's bedtime... That child is wonderful, but I can honestly say that I love when 8pm rolls around.

Thankful for Victoria's crazy hair. Coming home to that whacked out spike makes my heart swell.

Thankful for the moments when Zeus jumps on top my laptop and climbs up on my chest to cuddle. Sometimes, he falls off the radar.

Thankful for the nights when Athena pats me on the head, asking to get under the covers because she's cold.

Thankful for these little things in my life!

Thankful - Day 20

2011-11-21T10:57:00.001-08:00

Is this month over yet?

Thankful - Day 19

2011-11-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

I'm really thankful for our health. Aside from the occasional mental issue that we ALL have, we were all blessed with 10 fingers, 10 toes... and we're all "normal" (I think.)

The below video is a heart swell moment for me... Watching my baby girl take off on her own two feet is something I'm so thankful for! (times that by three.) I know that there are families out there who have children that will never walk and I could never imagine...

Thankful - Day 18

2011-11-19T12:02:00.001-08:00

Thankful that I had another day to post about being thankful....

Thankful - Day 17

2011-11-17T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for my courage. At 16, I had the courage to go to bed alone every night, and wake up and finish 12th grade. I had the courage to conquer life without parents at a very crucial time, and I aced it.

I'm thankful for the courage to sign my name on the dotted line and board a plane for a trip that would change my life forever. Thankful for the courage to become part of the world's greatest Air Force.

I'm thankful for the courage to jump into my relationship with Nicolas with BOTH feet, and without looking back. For the courage to have three babies... and the courage to move overseas and become part of a world that I never thought I'd see.

I'm thankful for the courage that carried me to my counselor's couch this afternoon... the courage that allowed me to open up and talk to the very person I had forever thought I was too strong to need. Thankful that I stayed for an hour and a half...Thankful for the courage to schedule the next appointment with her.

I'm thankful for the courage to endure. Life is short, but it is long... but courage has gotten me this far, and it will see me through.

Thankful - Day 16

2011-11-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for unconditional love. I'd lost sight of what it was over the years, and the family that I married into has brought that back for me!

It had become a subconscious layer to expect to have to give if I received... when I met my husband's family for the first time, I thought those people were so fake! They were all so NICE! My guard was definitely up - what the heck did these people want from me? Why are they being so nice?!

MUCH to my surprise - they wanted nothing but to accept me, and be accepted in return. They loved me. They took in my Stevie and they loved her as their own. They have all been nothing but kind and caring since we married into them. I am SO THANKFUL for that!

Thankful - Day 15

2011-11-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

I owe some major love to my personal trainer. . .

In the past 2.5 months, she has opened me up in ways I never thought possible. She has helped me to see my potential (even if I don't always strive for it 100%.) The biggest breakthrough recently has been my emotional fitness...

I never realized how much I carried on the inside. I always just trudge through every day, tunnel vision style. Like a linebacker! Bring on the stress... overwhelm me, I can take it! Except, I can't anymore. And one day I went to meet with her and she asked me about a couple of things and before I knew it, my 1 hour physical training session turned into a 2 hour emotional training session... Ladies and gentleman, I cried. In public. And I couldn't make it stop.

~S~ has helped me to realize that it's OK to ask for help. It's OK to go to the doctor, to take the medication that will enable me to get better. I am not weak for reaching out. I'm THANKFUL that she has opened that door for me and nudged me forward, just by listening and offering me her point of view. I respect her, and look up to her... Because of her, I will get the help I need to unravel all that has been hoarded within... and I will be able to continue my life with a clean slate, someday.

Thank you!

Thankful - Day 14

2011-11-14T09:49:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for my three kids... They provide me with a lifetime of experiences that I would have otherwise never known.

I have been beyond blessed to feel life growing within me... three times. I have given birth, three times. I have cuddled three separate babies at different stages in my life... I've enjoyed feet pajamas and late night feedings. I have been given challenges, and heart swelling moments of love.

I've had to learn about sibling rivalry and middle child syndrome. Both are strangers to me as I was raised an only child. I'm constantly battling the task of making sure that my children feel loved, equally... and that no one child has more attention that the other.

I struggle with instilling morals and values into children who are growing up in a society where it seems like everyone else could care less. I'm stuck explaining to my 9 year old why life isn't fair, and why she has to abide by rules and be the example for the other children who clearly aren't.

BUT - I'm thankful for this ride. Parenting opened up a whole new chapter in my life, and I can't imagine my book written any other way. I love you DEARLY Stevie Lynn, Ava Ryan, and Victoria Raye.

Thankful - Day 13

2011-11-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm thankful for my family. The unconditionally loving, supportive, faithful, loyal, honest, caring kind of family that I'm surrounded in. We aren't perfect - we all have our flaws. We have our good and bad sides to each of us... but at the end of the day, we can all kiss a cheek and embrace in a hug and when we say "I love you" we mean it.

I have built my nest at the top of a strong, old oak. I am secure in what I have. For that, I am thankful.

Thankful - Day 12

2011-11-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for my father. I frickin' MISS you more than life!!

Your birthday is coming up on the 23rd of this month. This month reminds me of you more than anything... all the special things we did in the cool, autumn air. I miss driving the backroads with you... counting deer. Decorating the house for Christmas. More than anything dad, I miss talking to you. You listened like no other, and you stopped at nothing to offer your advice or opinion to whatever it was I needed to talk about.

I cannot limit our love and relationship to one blog entry. It would take a lifetime to portray all that lived within us. I just want you to know that I hold on TIGHTLY to the dream I had of you shortly after you died... the one where you came back to say you'd made it, and that you were ok. Everything I endure, I do so knowing that I will be with you again someday.

I love you. Thank you for being the best example of what a man is supposed to be. I'm sure Aunt Vicki has told you that I married a man who reminds me SO MUCH of you. Honest, loyal... a real superman, daddy... He would do anything for us girls. Just like you.

Thankful - Day 11

2011-11-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

11/11/11... I'm thankful that I'm a veteran.

I can recall, living in Brownwood, TX, and the weekends the national guard would be working. They'd flood into Wal Mart by the hundreds, decked out in camouflage. I can remember envying their uniform, wishing I could wear it and walk around like I was "bad ass" and owning the place! I remember too, being too scared to make the leap and live through boot camp to earn that right for myself.

This weekend, I took the time to go through and read old letters that I've saved over the years. I've got one dated March, 1998. It was a plea from my Aunt Vicki - asking me to consider the military. My life was spinning wildly out of control and I needed direction and she knew that the military held a million secrets to my success. I am glad she asked me to consider it. I did. And I went.

It was the scariest time of my life. I can remember riding around town in Dallas, the night before leaving for boot camp. I was with my best friend at the time, thinking "it's not too late to run away." I seriously considered it! I would have flown to Africa and lived in a tent in the bush until I took my last breath. . . but I was tired of running.

I can't tell you what it means to me to see my name on a pair of ABUs. There is a sense of pride I feel when I walk into a school wearing my uniform and have kids look at me like I'm a superhero. There is something special in a moment when I'm at lunch with friends and we're informed that our bill has been paid by an anonymous stranger - out of appreciation for our service. I can't tell you the tears that build inside when the grandfather of a wounded Iraqi girl tells you "thank you" for saving his little girl's life. Or the feeling you get when you return home after being gone for 4.5 months. . .

I love this way of life. It is HARD, and heartbreaking sometimes... and there are challenges and times that I want to quit - but I keep pushing through it. The military has taken me places and given me things that I never ever thought possible for myself. In return, I serve. I give to an increasingly ungrateful nation - and that is heartbreaking... I can only pray that the future reverses that trend.

Today, Veteran's Day 2011... I'm thankful to have earned this day for myself, and I'm proud to share it with everyone that I serve with - and those that served before us! Thank you!

Thankful - Day 10

2011-11-11T12:20:00.001-08:00

REALLY thankful for 4 day weekends!

Thankful - Day 9

2011-11-09T05:32:00.000-08:00

32 years ago today, God planted my soul into this earthly vessel and set it adrift. He has stood by me in the most dangerous sea, guided me in the darkest of night, all while lining my journey with the most wondrous sights to behold.

Today, I'm thankful for my life. Without it, everything else would be meaningless.

Thankful - Day 8

2011-11-09T05:25:00.001-08:00

I'm thankful for the block and unsubscribe options on facebook. Enough said.

Thankful - Day 7

2011-11-07T08:05:00.000-08:00

What would a month of Thanksgiving be if I let all the days go by without being thankful for my Nicolas? It'd be a REALLY selfish month, that's what.

Nicolas was another blessing from God. Looking at our beginning, I see only bits and pieces of the highlights of those days! I see the lines on the carpet where his suitcase sat for two weeks when he came to visit the first time... I see the kiss on the cheek he gave me when I picked him up from the airport. I see him dressed and attending my ALS graduation. I see him holding me tight as my soul spilled out onto the floor after learning of my aunt's cancer. I see him by my side, anxiously awaiting the birth of our two baby girls.

During the darkest of storms in our relationship, he remained my lighthouse on the distant shore. Now I'm home, safely. He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my support, my shoulder, my other half. He's my heartbeat, and the blood flowing within.

It's unfair to say that I owe all of my successes to Vicki, who guided me in the directions in which I needed to be guided... I owe many of those successes to Nico as well - for while Vicki may have told me which way to go, Nico was by my side so I didn't have to go there alone.

So today (and EVERY day) I'm thankful for my husband. I love you.

Thankful - Day 6

2011-11-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

I took my girls (Stevie and Ava) to the movies this afternoon to see The Smurfs. We watched it at the theater here on base. Anyone military knows that before previews or anything are shown on the big screen, we all rise and place our hands over our heart for the national anthem. I used to think it was odd that they played it at the movies.... but now, I'm glad - just another reminder that we are different from the rest.

No, I'm not thankful for the national anthem at the movie theater.

I'm thankful, that I can look to the left and to the right and see my two children staring attentively at the flying colors on the screen, their hands over their heart. They aren't "those kids" that are running around under the bleachers at a football game, or talking on their cell phones at a baseball game while the anthem is playing. No, I'm thankful that my children recognize patriotism and have learned at a young age what it is to respect our flag and our anthem... They may not understand the sacrifice behind them yet, but someday they will come to know that too. Until then, they serve as an example of what EVERY child should know and do during that brief moment when the music is playing.

I'm thankful too, that I serve.

Thankful - Day 5

2011-11-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

Today would have been my Aunt Vicki's 61st birthday. In honor of that, of course I shall blog about being thankful for her.

I guess if you're a frequent reader of my blog, it comes as no surprise that I love that woman with all my heart, and I miss her tremendously. She died of oral cancer in July 2010. But that, is not the most important thing about her.

Vicki was my guiding light. When my ship was lost in the dense fog of a dark night, she came in search of me and carried me into the open water. When good things happened to me, she was the first person I called to share my successes. My youngest daughter is her namesake. This blog is jumbled.... because there is far too much greatness to write about that I can't limit it to one blog post. I cannot incorporate the senses into words to allow you all to realize the whole person that she was, or the atmosphere she created with her presence.

To say that I'm thankful for Vicki, is an understatement. I was blessed with her! She was God's personal gift, crafted for me and placed in my life at all the right moments. I love her, and I miss her tremendously... Happy Birthday Vicki!

Does Not Meet

2011-11-05T01:12:00.000-07:00

The military has done a phenomenal job of instilling a certain mindset in me... in a world where everything is governed by rules and regulations, there is no GRAY area. It is strictly black or white, pass or fail, meets or does not meet. So it should be no secret to the individuals who could be in my life to know why they either are, or they are not meeting expectations.

If one should need a visual, let me provide:

Does Not Meet

I work hard. I provide for a family of five. I want people in my life who want to be here. Who want to share in my successes and support me through my failures. I deserve the best, because I strive to be among the best. What I don't deserve is to work so hard, only to have to work harder to maintain the relationships that should just naturally exist in my life. It's exhausting, and disappointing, and heartbreaking.

What does the Air Force do when we fail to meet expectations? They drop us like a bad habit... send us packing. FIRE us. Hasta la vista baby.

So in light of embracing my way of life, I've decided to give up ice cream. It's so much easier not to worry about how I'm going to scrape it off the ground to try to enjoy what hasn't melted yet.

Thankful - Day 4

2011-11-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

I thought about this one last night as I was kissing the girls one last time before I went to bed... Originally, I thought about this post being thankful for sleep... because oh how SWEET it is to see three sleeping angels after a hellacious day of parenting - but then I went to work today. I realized that the atmosphere was light and jovial.... it was Friday. And I thought about this time of year, and 2011 slowly coming to an end, and it hit me. I'm thankful for endings.

The end of the day, tucking my girls in and breathing a deep sigh of relief before climbing into my own bed. I have succeeded in living another day, and providing for my family and ensuring their safety.

The end of a week... for the work is done, and I have 2-4 days of relaxation to enjoy all the things I go without during the week.

The end of a year... for the holidays, duh! The crisp autumn evenings, and the snowy winter days. Christmas trees and festive atmosphere. I DO love the holidays!

I hate to say it, but I'm thankful that there is an end to life. (not ALL the time, but when the time is right.) I'm not sure if anyone "famous" ever said it, but I thought of a quote while I was in boot camp back in 2000: For every pain, there is a comfort, be it sleep or death. I think back to my aunt and my father, fighting cancer and losing... knowing how much pain they were in and how life had already been spent for them. They lived fully, loved wholeheartedly, were honest and caring and everyone who knew them LOVED them. I'm thankful that their Earthly forms have expired, because I know they go on eternal in Heaven, without pain.

Yes, I am thankful for endings... They allow me to look back in time and realize all of the beginnings - and everything that lies in between.

Thankful - Day 3

2011-11-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm thankful for inspiration, the ability to be inspired, and most of all for the people who inspire me. I have SEVERAL people in my life who, in some way or another, all play a part in inspiring me to be a better person. Some of them reinforce my faith in God. Some of them guide me in everyday life. Some of them I only know through blogging, and it's by reading of their lives and seeing their strength that I somehow find my own.

Take A for example... She inspires me to react positively with my children when they've driven me to my wits' end!

Or C... who, in the face of the greatest of disappointments, has an unwavering faith in God that keeps her waking up each day with a smile on her face.

Or M... and K. and B... losing children, and going on to inspire and give back to the world despite the HUGE void in their hearts.

Or S... for being the STELLAREST example of what a good mother is supposed to be. And E, for always lending the best advice.

And the other S - who has somehow managed to do what all others haven't... She knows who she is.

Yes. Thankful for inspiration. . .

Thankful - Day 2

2011-11-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

**disclaimer** I should have added this yesterday, but it remains the same today: The order in which I list what I am thankful for is of no importance. I am equally thankful for EVERYTHING in my life - for all things combined make me, me.

Driving home from work these past few days, I have taken the more scenic routes. We're right smack in the middle of autumn and the colors are breathtaking. I've been driven to tears by the sight of some of God's work around here! The grass remains a vivid green all around, but the trees are alive in bright reds, oranges, and yellows and they surely do brighten the surrounding area beneath a gloomy, gray sky.

Today, I'm thankful for travel. Whether it's to or from work, or a trip due to work, or visiting family in Europe, or a family leisure trip... I have been BEYOND blessed to experience what I have since leaving Texas back in 2000. New Mexico, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Florida, Diego Garcia, Israel, Nevada, Turkey, Iraq, Qatar, France, Belgium, Luxembourg, Austria, Netherlands, Germany! The people I have met... the sunrises and sunsets that have taken my breath away... the mountains, the snow, the ocean, the friendships, the purpose, the mission. Thank you Lord for carrying me to each of these places in the times I have traveled there - because every experience was a-mazing!

Thankful - Day 1

2011-11-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

So consumed have I been with all the wrongs in my life, that I've lost sight of all the right. Therefore, in the month of Thanksgiving, I will set aside a moment to reflect on all that I have been given and I will give thanks for those things.

Day 1:

I used to loathe being a female. Monthly cycles, eyebrow waxing, shaved legs... Guys have it easier don't they? Beer and football and not expected to cuddle after sex. . . They can even get away with wearing the same clothes until they finally start smelling!

It is this day, in this month, of this year that I am thankful for having been born a female. I embrace the fact that I was born with the ability to bring life into the world (and I have done so, three times.) I think back to each of those pregnancies and how I was so amazed and in awe with every movement I felt, and every way that my body changed during each of those 9 months.

I'm thankful (though not all the time) for the ability to be moved by such a vast array of emotions. I'm not a couch potato grunt - ogling over the latest sport of the season... moved only by hunger or the urge to urinate. (hehe...)

While I'll envy the seemingly simple ways of being a man... I will hold tight to the appreciation I feel for having carried and birthed three beautiful girls. I will enjoy being able to love completely and unconditionally and wholeheartedly - because that, is me.

Recollections...

2011-10-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

Over a year ago, I got the fever. A burning desire, deep in the pit of my soul to cradle a newborn. To cuddle up with feet pajamas, and breathe in the sweet scent of baby lotion! I didn't want just any newborn... no, I wanted another one of my own. Was I crazy? Could I possibly handle three children? What's three? I have several friends who have at least three (if not more!) My husband's mother had four kids... I could do this, right?

Nicolas and I sat down and budgeted. We talked money, purchasing a new vehicle to have room for everyone... it was financially do-able. We laid in bed and talked into the late night about adding to our brood. We even flipped a coin to see if we should, or shouldn't. Finally, I said you know what? We'll put it in God's hands. We'll try for ONE month, and if it happens, it happens... if it doesn't, then that's our answer. So we picked the month (I chose it, so the due date would line up with the other two girls' birthdays... October.) and we tried. And we succeeded.

I kid you not, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew it would be a girl. I knew I would name her Victoria. I knew that I would lose my aunt before she was born. I wanted so desperately for her to have met her namesake.... but there's an odd feeling deep inside that somehow - Vicki lives on, in her.

So here we are, a year to the day after giving birth to my sweet Victoria Raye. What a trying year this has been! She was not an easy baby... She's temperamental, needy, clingy, demanding... already learning defiance from her 4 yr old sister! But gradually, she has emerged into a lovable, laughing, HAPPY 1 year old. She's currently got 8 teeth (with two molars about to pop through.) She can crawl, stand, walk while holding on to things, and climb! She loves loves LOVES her big sisters... She gave up the bottle at 10 months, sleeps with her paci and blankie, totally digs apple juice and fruit loops...

Happy Birthday to you!

Looking back, there were days when I wasn't so sure I was going to survive being the mother of three children. Looking ahead, I can't wait for all that their lives have in store for us :D I love my girls!

You should live in a zoo!

Hard Work

2011-10-12T12:47:00.000-07:00

You know what's so insanely crazy? I'm freakin' BUSY - busting tail to keep my job and I couldn't be happier...

In my life, I've had 3 babies. No wait, back up. In high school, I thought I was "fat" because I had like .5 an inch (maybe even .25) of skin hanging over the waist of my pants. If I bent over, that skin pooched a little more. If I'd only KNOWN that I was beautifully skinny, long legged with gorgeous blonde hair when I was that age!!! (I would've gotten myself into much more trouble probably....) But no, I was a teenager who thought she was fat.

I had to gain 9 lbs in order to join the military. They told me I was underweight. So at 117lbs, I signed on the dotted line and became part of the world's greatest Air Force. I was 135lbs by the time I left basic training. I gained 70 lbs with ALL THREE pregnancies. (don't worry, I lost a little after each baby...) But I'm sitting at a hefty 185lbs right now and I'm really struggling hard to get it off.

I had Stevie in 2002. I was 200 lbs even on the day she was born. Fortunately, 40 lbs of that was water weight and baby and blood and holy CRAP - I lost 40 lbs in about 3 weeks. But what does that leave me at? 160. I deployed to Diego Garcia in 2006 and took up running and I lost the additional 30 lbs and was sitting at a great 130 lbs when I got back. (man I was smokin'. Skinny, blonde, tan... a MILF yo!)

In 2007 I had Ava. Add another 70 lbs (on top of the 10 or 15 I gained from being married and living indoors because of the cold climate in Germany!) I was over 200. And it wasn't all water. I deployed in 2009 and got back down to 165.

In 2010, I had Victoria. A whopping 215lbs or so is what I topped the scales at when I was induced with her. I've only lost 30 lbs as of today. These 30 lbs have not been easy. I struggled a bit with depression after I had the baby. I had a complete loss of motivation. I miss my aunt desperately. There were days when I had to peel myself out of my bed because all I wanted was to pull the covers over my head and stay there until it was nighttime and I could sleep even more. In short - I wanted to give up. Not die, but just... give up.

I don't know what it was that woke up inside of me... but something did. A small spark that brought everything to life. I hired a personal trainer (who I love DEARLY!) and I started on this trek to freedom. My career is in jeopardy because of new fitness testing rules, and if I fail my test two more times I'm in real jeopardy of being kicked out of the military. So I'm dedicated to working out, eating better, improving my lifestyle.

Unfortunately, it means more time away from my family. This is a HUGE mountain I have to climb and no one can do it for me, but me. My personal trainer gives me awesome stars on my calendar every time I work out. And she knows JUST what to say to make me feel SO BAD when I skip the gym, or I don't eat the way I should. But she's brought me such a long way in only 5 weeks. I'm a completely different person than I was at the end of August.

Anyway... blogging is on the back burner while I'm pursuing the new me. I'll update as experiences happen, and time allows. But for now - it's blood, sweat and tears. My success in life depends on it! :D

Bedroom Makeovers

2011-09-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

The girls will be another year older next month, and we needed to graduate Victoria OUT of our bedroom and into a room of her own. How did we accomplish? Well... Stevie's queen sized bedroom suite was sold. We bought a loft bed for Ava, and moved Victoria's crib in with her. Stevie then was demoted to the smaller room - but everything worked out PERFECTLY! Everyone loves their new digs... Posted below is the finished product!

Victoria's new spot

Ava, modeling her new ladder

The "library"

How come we didn't have slides when I was a kid?!

Stevie's tropical paradise!

(I can't rotate this thing... but it was to show the awesome wallpaper graphic!)

Hawaiian flowers

Flip Flop party lights!

Thank you Bed Bath & Beyond for shippin to APO!

Her room is so awesome, I just wanna sleep in it for myself!

Organized Chaos

2011-09-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

This... is how I feel.

My life is busy. When did it get that way? It feels like ever since I left Shreveport back in 2006, I haven't stopped to take a breath! I got married... I had two more kids... my job was busy. MY LIFE IS BUSY!

I don't even have time to blog anymore. I'm on a Monday-Saturday schedule, and when Sunday rolls around I really DO want to go to church, but that's the only possible day I can stay home to focus on what needs to be done here! Laundry, grocery shopping... etc.

This weekend, I kicked Nico out again to be with his cousin because I think it's REALLY important that he has the opportunity to be a guy, with his family. He needs to escape the estrogen that floats in the air around here and just be. He does so much for us here - I hope he knows how much I appreciate him!

Weekdays revolve around my 8-9 hour workday, plus 30-60 minutes of working out at the gym. Stevie's got 4th grade, Ava's got German Kindergarten.... kids have baths and homework and cats need feeding and changed litter. Clothes need washing and put away. Somewhere in all that my husband needs a kiss and a cuddle, and I need sleep! (it's amazing this blog even has punctuation... I had time for that?!)

I'll take a quick moment to say that Stevie's doing phenomenal in 4th grade. 9 out of 10 papers she brings home is 100% correct. 4th grade really suits her. She's going through a small lapse in judgement when it comes to getting chores done, and remembering to wear deoderant or put lotion on after her shower :P other than that, she's doing SO GOOD! She's looking forward to turning 9 next month, and getting to have a youth center card and a place to go when her homework and chores are finished.

Ava is... is... special? That's a whole 'nother blog. Age 3 years and 11 months... need I say more?

Victoria. Milestones GALORE! 8 teeth now, pulls up to standing and walks all over the place as long as she's holding on to something. Nico's so proud - he taught her how to say "OOO OOO AAAAH AAAH!" (which is really bad considering she's got orange hair that sticks up on her head.) She's really connecting with her orangutan (sp?) relatives! She's really a good baby. High maintenance compared to my other two, but I wouldn't wish for life without her... LOVE her!

Nico and I are doing well, too. We could benefit from more time for each other, but it's going to require organizing this chaos just a little bit more! We've got a good flow goin' though, and we're comfortable. I think as long as we all know that love is what holds us all together, we're good to go!

11pm. It's totally bedtime. This chaos starts all over again in about 8.5 hours!

Change

2011-09-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

Re-arranged the girls bedrooms this weekend. Put Victoria's crib in a room with Ava's new loft bed, and Stevie moved into Ava's old bedroom. A big change for everyone!!

It's silly really, but I've got that "homesick" feeling in the pit of my stomach because this is something new for them to have to get used to. Poor Ava has to stay out of "her" room whenever Victoria is napping... Stevie's gone from a queen sized bed to a twin sized bed... Their rooms aren't quite complete yet. I've ordered new bedding/wall decorations for Ava and V, and I'll be shopping soon for Stevie's.

I was looking forward to the new privacy and freedoms in our bedroom with not having Victoria bunking in the corner... *sigh* I know, I'm SILLY! Just sad... Change takes getting used to.

Meanwhile, I think Ava loves having a loft bed with a SLIDE on it! Stevie says she loves being in Ava's old room. It's smaller, which might mean more personal to her. She quickly moved in and took over, making it her own. I reminded her tonight while tucking her in "Don't fall outta bed!" haha...

Anyway... everyone's asleep now. Guess I better get that way too, and soon. Monday'll be here in roughly 2 hours!

9-11

2011-09-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

10 years.

Has it really been a decade? Seems like just yesterday... I wrote about my 9/11 experience already, so I won't repeat words - I'll leave it on you to scroll through the history and find it if you're interested.

All I can say is, I'll never forget! God bless the lives lost, and the families left behind... Watch over those of us who continue to fight the individuals responsible for this...

Walking Away

2011-09-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

In early 1995, I was happy. I was a regular, teenaged girl going through the highs and lows of High School. I had a working mother and father. My life was very average, and I was just another Jane. (or Jen.)

May 1996... dad died. Summer... Mom moved... Fall... I would live alone for an entire school year and I was LOST. I put 60,000 miles on a brand new car from the beginning of the school year, to the end. I drove, and drove, and drove to keep from being alone in the house where my father died. I drove alone, into the wee hours of the morning because all of my friends had rules and curfews to abide by. For once in my life, I wished for rules!

1997-2000. My life is an utter blur. Get a job, lose a job... get high... get drunk... sleep in my car... so many things I wasn't proud of. I bounced from house to house. My relationship with my mother was never the same after my father died.

2000-present. I joined the military. My self-discipline and my career are what keep me grounded now. Without a clear set of rules, my soul would be wild. Because of the military, I have gotten to see so many places and do so many things... these experiences are once-in-a-lifetime and I am BLESSED to have had them!

Here is my very public cry... For many, many years I have pleaded with my mother to share in my successes... to support me in my failures... and for all those times I pleaded - she simply looked down and walked away. I have BEGGED her to come be with me in Europe... there is so very much I'd give anything to share with her - but she refuses to fly.

My relationship with her is so complex, and filled with so many negative, ugly, hurtful things. Today, the bad far outweighs the good. Today, I've decided it's time...

I'm flying free....

It's time to walk away. In 2006, I chose orders to Germany because I needed to get away from my mother. I haven't seen her since December of 2005. There's something to be said when almost 6 years later, I do not miss her. I have struggled with guilt... felt that I needed to hold on to the relationship in order to abide by some biblical commandment that orders me to Honor thy mother and father... I feel like I can still abide by that. I still love her, she's my mother. I just cannot live with her in my life. She brings nothing good to it.

So here I am... on the edge of the nest, my chin up, my eyes looking all around... I'm spreading my wings - steadying myself with the wind and... and... and here I go! Here's to the future - no looking back!

This one's for a friend...

2011-09-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

Kellie Staats... It's her birthday! Birthdays are supposed to be about LIFE and celebration and smiles and candles on your cake... Kellie's only wish was to share her angel with as many people as possible, so that's what I'm here to do!

Kellie and her husband James lost their beautiful baby girl, Madison, to SIDS a few months ago. In light of this tragic event in their lives, they've gone on to become advocates of SIDS, working hard to spread information to people who may not know what took their daughter. They've been a stellar example of hope in the face of sadness... Kellie alone has been an inspiration to MANY mothers who have followed her blog (http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com)! I, for one, hug my children a little longer because of the story she has shared. They are living proof that we just never know how long we have one another - so make EVERY SECOND COUNT!

This post is for you Kellie... I hope that your day was as special and brilliant as it could possibly be. I have no doubt that if balloons could float DOWN, Maddie would surely have sent you her own special bouquet with a little crayon note attached to it letting you know how much she loves and misses you too! Happy birthday sweet "virtual" friend!

First in Fourth

2011-08-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

I can't stop it... No matter how hard I grab hold of the hands on the clock, they keep trudging forward. I look back at pictures of my sweet, chubby baby... I remember the days when it was just me and her against the world and we made the BEST team! (don't get me wrong, I love being married, and I love my other two kids just as much!) But today was about Stevie... today was her first day in 4th grade.

12 grades. Well, 13 if you count kindergarten. But we've been through K-3 already. What's that leave me? 9 years... Stevie turnes 9 in October. Those 9 years happened before I could blink. Stevie's going to leave home "tomorrow" and I don't know if I'll EVER be ready for that!

As much as I push for her independence - I hope she never stops needing me. Oh how I hope!!

1st day of Kindergarten (almost age 5)

1st day of 4th grade (almost age 9)

Silence...

2011-08-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Mountains of laundry sat on my bed today, needing to be sorted and put away. 8 days of vacation will do that to our closets! Stevie was outside enjoying her last day of summer freedom, Ava was whining about anything and everything from the living room, and Victoria was crabby in her walker, blocked from getting near me and running over my toes. I needed someone to call to get me through my chore...I really needed my Aunt Vicki. I thought of how awesome it was to call her on Sundays and the laundry would disappear during conversation! Instinctively, I went to get the phone and tried to call another friend instead, but got no answer. And then, I was angry... my patience left, and I wanted to be anywhere but in the house putting away all the clothes. I was sick of listening to the kids complain. I'd have given anything for 2 extra hours, to drive out to the Himmerod and sit in silence among high stone ceilings and the rays of light shining in.

I don't know how to explain this deafening silence I'm living in. I talk to my husband, but it's not the same... My aunt listened like no other... she encouraged and gave advice like NO OTHER. . . I've called my mother, but she doesn't hear me the way Vicki heard me. Nothing is the same. It's like everyone nods and smiles, but doesn't truly understand me the way she did.

Fucking cancer...

Family Time

2011-08-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

It's not every night... or every week for that matter.... but there are moments like tonight where I am reminded of how blessed I am. We all scarfed down dinner and loaded up in the van and drove over to Moetsch to walk/ride bikes on a little tractor path, under the light of the setting sun. It is here, walking beside my love... watching as our girls race ahead on their bikes, and pushing Victoria in her stroller that I'm happy... and free from worry and the stress of all the challenges we face on a daily basis.

Free... with my family. In Europe. **heart swell**


Go Go SPEED RACER!!


Little Ms. Not-so Little

I think it's TOTALLY possible...

2011-08-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

...coming back to life

My aunt often told me that when she'd see a road runner, she'd think of her father... a cardinal, she'd think of her mother. I thought it odd that after my father passed, it always seemed like there was ONE bird in my presence that stuck out from the rest. One who would sing louder.. one who might be bigger. One who just seemed to follow me! I nodded and acknowledged my dad's presence.

Here in Germany, there's always just ONE hawk on a fencepost, or on a bale of hay in the middle of an open field on my drive to work. He greets me every morning, and he bids me goodnight on the way home every evening.

I wanted to share a story that absolutely made my heart swell just yesterday. All this week, me and the girls have been involved with Vacation Bible School at the church on base. Every night, we drive home to an awesome sunset. Last night, while driving home... I asked Stevie what she'd learned in class. She gave me a quick summary, and then proceeded to tell me how one kid asked if "when you die, is it possible to come back to life as something else?" RIGHT when Stevie told me that, off to the right - there was a horse in a field that started galloping at TOP speed, nodding her head and bucking a bit and it felt like she was looking right at me as she ran up to the fence... My heart swelled up in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes and I thought to myself "Well lookie there Vicki - you done answered that kid's question!" It IS totally possible!

Dust in the Wind

2011-07-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

It's been years since I've had an internet pal... the kind that you connect with on emotional levels, and correspond with via email on a daily basis. I think I've found a new one! Unfortunately, under the saddest of circumstances...

I recently joined a network called Chemo Angels, and we're paired with patients who need ANGELS!! People, like me, who are willing to send handwritten cards or letters through the regular mail to give them something to look forward to. Words of encouragement, a show of support to get them through some of their darkest days.

My first patient was Jed Brady Thomas Suckling. From what I know, he was diagnosed with a form of brain cancer at the age of 3. THREE!!! The thought alone makes me look at my 3.5 year old and drop to my knees in praise to the Lord for her health. I overlooked his age though and simply set about my calling. I thought of exciting things to share with Jed (aka Noonie Pants!) I wrote him a letter about my job. I'm a soldier after all - what little boy doesn't like "army" stuff! I shared pictures of jets that I knew about... His mommy tells me he loved those a lot!

I was also excited because they're from South Africa. I've never met anyone from South Africa before. I so desperately wanted to get to know him! THEM!

I'm sad to report that Noonie lost his courageous battle with his cancer. He was just 6 years old. I only got to send him 2 letters... I still have a stack of cards and a couple of gifts that I'd bought in advance that I planned to send to him over time. It's too hard to even open the cabinet to see the stuff. I'm left wondering.... why? Why Noonie? Why not a murderer or someone more evil who deserved to die? Why Noonie?

I wrote to his mother, Bonnie... thinking she probably wouldn't write back. After all - I'm a stranger. She probably has more than a handful of friends who have 1,000 words of encouragement. But I took a chance and sent her a message. Then another... and another... She's suffering a great deal right now. She was a single mother to Jed - her entire life was dedicated to caring for him, and now he's gone. She held him until his last breath. . . She described in painfully vivid detail the experience of watching him leave this Earth. I'm shattered by her pain.

I tucked my Ava into bed after reading her description of losing Jed. . . I had a vision in my head of her waiting while her little boy was cremated, to be able to take him home... I looked at Ava's sweet face and tried to imagine Bonnie's pain. I tried to imagine myself completely helpless while my child struggled for life... and I closed my eyes with my hand on Ava's cheek and imagined her warm little body turning to dust, and falling through my fingers. An abyss opened in the pit of my soul - one that I pray to God I never have to visit... ever.

I'll continue sending messages to Bon. Maybe someday we'll meet, maybe we won't. She writes me back - and I get excited when I see messages from her. I HOPE that my words bring her a smile, take her mind off the pain - if only for a second... I was brought to Jed for more than just 2 letters, I believe that.

There's so much more to share about Bonita... her strength, her love, her compassion... another blog. For now, I'll send her a message bidding her goodnight. I know that sleep does not come easy these days. If you're reading - please take time to say a small prayer for her? She just needs light... courage - and light to guide the way to healing. Thanks...

Bon and Nooooonie! (RIP sweet boy - 03 Nov 2004 to 11 Jul 2011)

A whole lot happens...

2011-07-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

in just 9 months.

conception... a heartbeat, eyelids, hair, fingernails...a sweet breath, a silent cry... smiles while sleeping... a tiny hand curled around my finger. Coos and gurgles and beady blue eyes that hold so much curiosity and intrigue for the world around!

Just 9 months...

and then there are first bottles and first baths... first smiles and first laughs... first teeth, crawling, sitting up. ALMOST standing!! So much happens in just 9 short months...

1 month - and tiny feet pajamas...

Apparently month 2 was so fun we forgot to take the picture!

month 3

month 4

month 5

month 6

month 7

month 8

month 9...

Just 9 months...

JK BDay and the Low Crawl

2011-07-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

Major announcement - a little late.... mobility rocks! (for some of us anyway...)

She's trying so hard to graduate to hands and knees rather than her "low crawl" technique! BUT - the importance thing is that she's going places.... and rather quickly hehehe. PS - she's up to 4 teeth now! 2 top and 2 bottom.

As for the JK Bday... WELL....

Ava's been in more trouble than she's worth here lately. She back talks, she doesn't take no for an answer, she breaks toys, she whines and BEGS. If mommy says no, she asks daddy... She's rotten - end of story.

This weekend, I had absolutely NOTHING going on... so I promised Stevie a movie night (complete with popcorn!) and Ava.... well Ava was getting a cake, with candles and sprinkles and it was going to be her special day cake! Why not make it a birthday?? It was a bit confusing... she didn't have friends over, or presents.... but after convincing her that it was just a "special" day and not a BIRTH day - she accepted just cake and the chance to blow out candles :)

the special AVA Cake she helped me make :D

a little embarrassed about the singing...

K, can we eat it now?!

Of course cake doesn't cure everything.... she's still rotten.

Dinner/dessert are done, movie's in (Despicable Me) and popcorn is gone. Kids bathed, bout to make a bottle for the V and then EVERYONE is going to bed. Productive Saturday if I do say so myself...

Reminiscing

2011-07-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

I was young... riding in the back seat of a green car. I remember the upholstery. I remember the smell of the car, the heat of the seats in the summertime. I remember running across tile floors and sliding on my knees. I remember hiding behind a tall wall, slapping the paneling with tiny fingers.

There were rollercoaster rides in the back of a suburban. Laughing children staring out the back window, raising their arms high as they went over hills and down dips in the road. There were cherry slushes on warm days and hot chocolate on winter nights.

Traditions carried on... Easter egg hunts, Christmas trees, Thanksgiving dinners. There were birthday surprises, tooth fairies, toys, clothes, and laughter. There were summer vacations, Six Flags, Sea World and Big Bend. There were puppies and kitties and bunnies and goats... hamsters and birds.

I had a father and a mother and I was whole.

Then came the tears. I remember the darkness, the drowning... the clawing and grasping for breath and the horrible ache that came when he left. I remember the daze that ensued - years of confusion and the death of motivation. I remember the false happiness I created for myself... the necessary measures I reached for to keep myself alive.

I remember the absence. I remember standing on the outside, looking in. I wanted, and I asked... I was never let back in.

I walked away. I made a mental list of things I wanted to do with my life and I tucked that away deep inside and I traveled on. I conquered childbirth and marriage, world travel and a successful career. I overcame a painful past and my smiles are genuine and I am whole again. I have found my home.

I will never forget the cold air and crisp yellow grass crunching under my feet as the house was decorated with lights for the holidays. I will carry with me the warm nights when friends and I would run all over town wrapping houses with toilet paper for Halloween. I have memorized the smell of crayons and glue and the way my feet echoed down the long corridor to the girls bathroom in 1st grade. Fall festivals, graduation, school dances, birthday parties at DQ... Sutton Co. Days, rodeos, sunset drives, counting deer on the side of the road at dusk. No, I will never forget.

The Durgeats do Bavaria - again!

2011-07-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

So in April of... oh what's that year... 2010 - Our family of 4.5 drove down to Garmisch-Partenkirchen to partake in the military ski lodge and tour the Bavarian Alps. That trip was just "ok." I already blogged about that one.
Moving on to July 2011... How wonderful that we were able to have my mother-in-law with us on this trip! I absolutely DO love that woman to bits... Her strength is indescribable... a woman who raised 4 children on her own (after the death of her husband), a woman who continued to work a full time job... a woman who travels the world... a woman who NEVER COMPLAINS!! (well, if she does, it's in French and I can't understand it!) haha... I first have to say thanks to her for having my husband all those years ago - and raising him to be the best husband and father a woman could ask for! And another thanks to her for being THAT Grandma to my kids... you know, the one who calls and says "Can I take Stevie to England for 2 weeks?" Or... the one who makes a bedroom for my children in her home (complete with personal touches from the United States.) She's the first one awake on holidays, the last one standing in the kitchen making sure every morsel of food is prepared for our large family... She adds all those tiny details to a table spread for Easter or birthdays. I love, love, love this woman. (and I don't think she realizes JUST HOW MUCH!)

Deuces!

Anyway... when she got back from England/Scotland with Stevie and we picked her up in Holland, I extended the invitation to her to join us in Garmisch for our vacation. She thought on it, and finally accepted. YAY!

July 4th... fireworks, food, FUN! We had our neighbors up from downstairs, my German coworker (Gertrud) and her husband, and the Netherlands cousins over. We bbq'd that afternoon, and parked in a field across from the base for 45 minutes of explosive awesomeness. Then it was home and to bed for an early July 5th departure to the Alps.

AM - we awoke. One by one, my tiny heathens sauntered out of their rooms and we started the tedious task of packing. All piled in the van - off we went! A pit stop in Ramstein for gas and lunch... a 530pm arrival at the Edelweiss Lodge and Resort. We found our room (#1061) and wow o wow... what a view!

view from our first floor room

Unpacked, we went to Zuggy's Base Camp for dinner and with a Victoria sleeping peacefully, Nico and I took the other two down to the pool for an hour of water fun.

Wednesday morning - 6 July.
A day spent in Munich. Our first stop was the Dachau Concentration Camp. Unfortunately - I packed for the MOUNTAINS, and was sweating my butt off as I walked around this huge camp with few trees and little shade. Sun was boring holes in me, and the kids were hot and tired of traveling (already.) Overall, I was kind of disappointed. I still hope to see Auschwitz someday... We visited Struthof (in France) just a few weeks ago, and I was more impressed with that small camp. Perhaps more might have been behind the walls of the Dachau museum, but we chose to skip that as we had three cranky kids who were long overdue for lunch.

Work sets you free...

Imprisoned

The only freedom that many would ever see... came with death...

The bunkbeds where the prisoners were forced to sleep

After Dachau was a quick trip to McDonalds for refueling and then on to the Munich Zoo!

Found these monkeys running around...

Tried to feed them to the lions

Tried to sell this monkey too - but couldn't find a buyer!

I was witness to a horrific event while at the Munich Zoo as well. Know what a mandrill is? (picture Rafiki from the Lion King...) Ok so, I thought it would be fun to see what one would do if I put Victoria up to the glass. I let her stand up close, and the mandrill charged her and slapped the glass just in front of her! We laughed in shock - thought it was quite funny... So, I tried again... he walked off unphased - turned around... and began to masturbate! :o... :o :o :o!!! This monkey looking baboon creature with the crazy face was spankin' his mini-monkey and when he was done, he licked "it" off the floor! I couldn't even walk away... I just kept staring in disbelief!! Ew...

Day 2, complete... back to Garmisch for dinner, some pool/hot tub time, and bed! I think everyone slept good that night!

07 July... After a little himming and hawwing, we decided to skip the Eagle's Nest and take mom up to the Zugspitze instead. Ava has never ridden a train before, so we opted to ride the train to the top and then take the cable car down. Ohhh the look on Ava's face as the train pulled up to the station and we climbed on board! WOO!!! Sing with me now - "Chuuuginton... Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHUGGINTON!"

An ape escaped the zoo... we found him at the train station...

An excited Ava, waiting for the train!

The three musketeers, at the front of the train looking back...

On top of the Zugspitze! (we'll get her in skis one of these days.)

Dining at the top!

A quick cable trip down to the bottom, loaded up in the car and then off to the Leutaschklamm Gorge in Austria! One word... BEAUTIFUL!

High above the river below...

Mom, I can't walk... my legs are too hard...

The bridge on the right is what we were walking on!

Taking in the Alps from Austria!

Nothing like a cold treat on a hot day :D

Day 3 done... home to the hotel to feed Victoria dinner, drop Stevie off for Kid's Night Out, and then an outing with friends to Techmer's steakhouse. We all turned in early for the long trip home on the 8th.

8 July - detoured to see Ettal, and Neuschwanstein. Blogged about Ettal in the April 2010 Spring Break post... As for Neuschwanstein - we toured like the British (from the car!) The line to get tickets was UNREAL... and then there was a pretty big hike involved to get to the castle itself. SO - we picked a great spot on the side of the road and snapped a few quick pics before hitting the autobahn back home.

Neuschwanstein

And Life Goes On...

2011-06-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

Next month makes a year. I've already survived a year. A year without that unmistakable voice, the sound of her laugh... the excitement in her heart to hear her nieces on the phone. A year without my Aunt Vicki. May 27, 2010 was the last time I talked to Vicki on the phone. I was preparing for Memorial Day weekend in France with my family, and she was getting ready to go on her vacation to Colorado. I called ahead to wish her well - tell her I hope she has fun!! We exchanged I love you's and then we were off.

July 18th is when she died.

I was pregnant with a baby Victoria. A sweet little infant that Nicolas and I created (and a baby that I purposefully planned to name after my aunt.) She was born, and when the excitement wore off - I sat alone in a hospital room with a baby that she'd never know. A baby I wanted more than ANYTHING to share with her. I felt so empty then...

Fast forwarding... 8 months since Victoria's birth and I often look at her and wonder maybe... JUST maybe Vicki might be inside her somewhere - carrying on. I wouldn't mind. A small glimmer of her life mixed in with us every day here in my home.

Last week, I finally received a load of scrapbooks that she'd left for me. Eager to see all pictures, I sifted through every page with lightning speed! I did so well... I didn't cry until. until. until I ran across that picture. That picture of her as an infant, and I saw my baby Victoria looking back at me. It was then that I knew "life goes on."

Victoria in 2011

Victoria in 1951

Stevie's Travels

2011-06-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

Stevie recently toured England/Scotland with her grandmother, two aunts, and favorite uncle-in-law! She saw many awesome things, and her grandmother encouraged her to keep a travel journal... so I'll take the time to transcribe so you all can share in her journey. This is Stevie's trip - through her eyes :)

My trip to England! And Pariss
May 31
      Today we went to the Eiffel tower. We bought tickets to go in the Eiffel tower. When the tickets were bought we went on the elevator to go to the second floor. When we got to the second floor, we looked at the view. It was amazing! I could see a lot of things. Then we got in another elevator to go to the very top. Up at the top was freezing! Then we went to a Disney store fool of toys! It was awesome!

June 1
   Today I went to an awesome aquarium! There was all kinds of fish. My favorite fish was the blue jellyfish. They were very pretty!
      After we went to the aquarium we went to a park it was very weird. (Bois de Vincennes) After with my aunt I went to a cafe with her friends. Again we went to see my other aunt at her house and played Wii and had pizza for dinner.

June 2
     Today I had to wake up very early to go on a boat to England. When we got to the boat we had to park our car in the boat. On the boat I saw lots of Seaguls! When we first arrived in England we saw white cliffs. And then we drove on the left side of the road. After we went to Canterbury. Then we went to a big cathedral! After we ate at a mexican restaurant.

June 3
     Today when I woke up I had to get ready quick because breakfast was only one hour long. For the first time I had English breakfast. After we got in the car and drove 4 hours to York. At York I watched a circus man in the street. Then I went bungee jumping! I went so high! Then we walked around the city and saw lots of old houses.

June 4
     Today we went to a huge viking center! (Jorvik) Then we went to another cathedral called York Minster. The funny part about today was we saw a man covered in purple paint! Then we got in the car to drive to our hotel. After we went to the place my aunt is going to work at. (Bamburgh) AFter we drove to an ocean, and there was a bird that made a lot of noise. I also tried salt water it tasted weird!

June 5
     Today we woke up early to go on a boat tour. The fun thing was I saw puffin and, seaguls also, seals. After we went to a big castle where my aunt is going to work for 2 months. Inside the castle was a man who told us ghost stories! After I went to my aunt's campsite and helped her build her tent. So after that we had dinner with her. While we were eating we heard jazz music. After dinner it was time to drop my aunt off at her campsite.

June 6
     Today we went on a ferry to Arran. Then we went the ocean and saw seashells. They were very pretty! After we had dinner and then went back to the ocean to check if there was seals.

June 7
     Today we went to a cheese factory. Then we went on a walk to see old rocks. On the walk we got really wet. After we went to go get dry clothes on. Then we went to a beer factory. it was closed. So we got to go to a soap factory instead. After we got in the car and drove around the Island. In the car I saw sheep walking in the middle of the road. Another thing we saw was hairy cows and deer.

June 8
     Today we went to a castle (Brodick) and saw beautiful flowers, then to a whiskey factory. Then we took a ferry from Arran Island to Tarbert. After we drove to Kilmartin. Then we had dinner. After we had a walk by the sea and saw fish and sea locks. And a great sunset!

June 9
     Today we went to a very weird shop (Highland Arts). After we saw Scottish cows. Then we had fish n' chips. Then we drove to Helensbough and had a walk at a loch.

June 10
     Today we visited Glasgow. This is the biggest city of Scotland! We saw lots of things today: Piper, Black man statue creal man, young singer playing guitar, balloon man. After we went to a Japanese restaurant. It was awesome because there was a machine with trays of food that went around the whole restaurant. Then we drove to Bamburgh to eat with my aunt.

June 11
     This morning we went to a really big store with Clares. At clares I bought robot earings. Then we went to a ferrey harbur. We saw lots of cars. On the boat I had spageiti. We slept on a weird bunk bed.

Maybe I'm whining, but...

2011-06-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm REALLY disappointed in just about everyone. . . Why? Because no one wants to come visit!! (or they do, but they've got every lame excuse under the sun for why they just can't.)

Do people not understand the opportunity of a lifetime they have? Forget the fact that they've got friends who live in Europe who are willing to house them, feed them, and show them around. (I mean, that's how desperate I am to have friends over for a visit.) But... it's in EUROPE! Most people I know only dream of visiting this place. . .

I've heard it all though. "It's too expensive." or "I'm too afraid to fly." or even "Oh we plan to - just have to put it on the schedule!"

I've got two awesome aunts who have made the journey - and for that, I wanna say THANKS! I had a blast showing you around and having someone actually come visit me. But to the handful of others that I've extended the invitation to that just kept putting it off - you know what? KISS MY BUTT!! I now rescind my open invitation for the simple fact that I have a year left in this awesome place - and I plan to use that year to travel for myself... I'm not gonna play tour guide to people who waited until the last year to come over. Thanks for nothing :D

There... maybe I'm whining - but I feel better!

15 Years Gone By...

2011-06-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

15 years ago today, we laid my father to rest. Feels like I remember so little of that day. Can't recall who all I hugged or shook hands with - was all a blur. I wanted to fast forward 10 years and just forget all the pain and heartache. I was so angry with God for taking away my Superman!

How far I've come in 15 years... Can you believe at one time, I slept in my car in a grocery store parking lot because I was lost - and had too much pride to find home... I got involved with drugs, and drinking and was sliding down a slippery slope towards "the end." One day, I received a letter from my aunt (dad's sister) that would change my life forever. It was a plea - a suggestion for me to join the military. It took a couple of years after to actually sign on the dotted line, but I did it!

How much my father has missed... (or rather, how much I've done without him.) :( I graduated high school without him. Walked down that aisle without him. Gave birth to three beautiful daughters who will never meet him. I've got a husband that he'd absolutely LOVE! I saw Vegas without him. Travelled the world without him. . . I'm not an idiot - I know he was with me in spirit, in my heart, looking down on me... all those things. But I'm a selfish human - and I'd have rather had him here in person. To hug me, tell me how proud he was of me, etc.

For 14 years, I had his sister to guide me down the right paths. If you've followed my blog, you'll know that I lost her too almost 1 year ago. Now they're up there together, looking down and sharing in all of my successes with me. I'm still selfish though - I'd still rather have them here!

With them gone, I'm learning to embrace what I have now. My husband and my three beautiful girls... our home, my foundation... the world - my back yard.

I miss you Dad (and Vicki!) If I've learned anything from your 15 year absence, it's that time does heal those wounds... I got through the past two years anniversaries without a tear. I solemnly remember days like today, and your birthday, and I think of the wonderful times as well... sharing meteor showers, country drives, counting deer, dove hunting, and those long sunset talks with you. Thank you for ALWAYS being that listening ear. I love you.

Catching up...

2011-05-08T05:18:00.000-07:00

The keepers of my life have opened the floodgates and WOAH! am I ever busy!

Work is absolute chaos. I'm the acting NCOIC (non-commissioned officer in charge) of my current shop for another 2-3 weeks because the real boss is on maternity leave. I've had the pleasure of training two new people in the shop with the help of a seasoned SrA. Aside from being in charge of everything that happens in airspace scheduling, I was also tagged (along with my SrA) to work the operations desk down at the fighter squadron because everyone is deployed! We still have a few planes back here that need flying - and with flying comes a need for manning.

Furthermore... I've put the gym off for FAR TOO LONG! I was so proud of myself in Iraq. I lost 4" off my waist when I was there in 2009 (only to come home and put it all back on when I got pregnant with Victoria.) I told myself that I'd start a workout routine in January - but that didn't really "work out." HAH! I just fell face first into a rut and found myself sitting on my chair with my laptop, kinda pushing life away. However - I recently paid for and started going to a TRX boot camp! It's a total of 12 classes (3x a week) and holy madness - I love it! I've started logging calories and drinking water and I've got my eyes on a goal. However I did fall off the bandwagon this weekend and totally indulged in everything unhealthy. But I'll be back in the saddle come Monday!

Don't try looking - I'm not in this picture... but this is an example of the TRX...

My PT test is scheduled for 31 May. I'm nervous to see how I'll do. . . I know if/when I fail I'll have no one to blame but myself for putting fitness on the back burner... but I'm starting NOW to try to get things in order and get READY!!

Days are long and tiring. TRX doesn't start until 1715pm... By the time I finish an hour of that, then take my friend Chelsea home and I walk through the door of my own house - it's pushing 1900. I sit down for a lukewarm meal (since the family eats at 6) and rush the girls through baths and toothbrushing. Before I know it, they're in bed and I'm getting ready for the next day. I swear, I need about 4 more hours in my day!

Stevie's still doing well. We got her Terra Nova test scores, and she was above average in everything but Social Studies (that girl can't read a map to save her life.) She didn't fail... she scored in the higher "average" rating... Reading was her strongest point. I was very proud of her! Our only major struggle with her has been trying to get her to think of things/people OTHER than herself. She was recently grounded because she called her daddy mean when he told her she couldn't go outside to play. (well... that was the ONLY thing on her mind. She didn't bother to look if the trash needed taking out, or the laundry sorted... or if she had anything in her room that needed cleaning up first.) We seriously don't ask a lot of her - but what we do ask we expect her to abide by. Else, she's grounded inside with her mean parents! haha

Ava Ryan is a HANDFUL! I'm not sure what phase she's in now... but she refuses to do ANYTHING alone. I woke up yesterday - and the cycle didn't stop until I put her to bed that night. "Mommy, will you color with me? Mommy will you play at the park with me? Mommy, can we go to the lake? Mommy, can we watch a movie? Mommy, can I play monkey George on the computer? Mommy... Mommy... MOMMY!?" And if I'm taking a nap, you can bet she's bothering the heck out of Nico or Stevie or the cats... It is absolutely UNBEARABLE! (but I still love her.)

Victoria had her 6 month appointment the other day. She weighs a little over 16 lbs! She's still tall, still demanding. She's eating cereal and veggies on top of her formula. She's rolling both ways - not quite ready for sitting up. but she has managed to roll ALL OVER the living room! I see such frustration in her face when she's "planted" in her spot on the floor while her sisters are running and playing together. She wants in on the action SO BADLY! She's definitely teething again. She's got her bottom two with more coming in. Aside from her job of constantly growing - she's been a real sweetie! Waking up with huge smiles and kicking feet almost every morning :D

So... all of the above, and then some is what keeps me absolutely TOO BUSY to blog. Fortunately, Mother's Day has granted me a little peace so I can sit down and get caught up on a few things. Now, to clean the litterbox, get my uniform ready for tomorrow, and enjoy sunset by the lake in Luxembourg. I'm tellin' ya - my life's tough! ;)

What goes on in there...

2011-04-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

There's rarely a moment's silence these days when Ava is around. That child is FULL of nothing to say at all. She'll tell you about 100 things in 5 minutes time, and when she's done talking you're left wondering "what did she just say?!"

But there are moments when she's quiet, lost deep in thought and you can't help but wonder what's making her little wheels turn.

This afternoon, I was laying down with her and rubbing her back to bring on naptime. I reminisced of those precious hours I spent in the hospital with her as a newborn. The lazy afternoons and late nights where I held her oh so close, curled up to my stomach under the blankets and sleeping tight. We were hiding from the world beneath those covers. I'd lose myself in that tiny baby - smelling tiny fingers and brand new baby hair.

Then I opened my eyes to a nodding 3 year old and I ran my hand along her face, through her hair and down her back. She no longer fits against my tummy the way she did when she was hours old. She moved her head closer to my chest and tucked her hands under her chin and took a deep breath. In that moment, my heart swelled up into my throat, a teardrop tempting.

Ohhhh the Ava. So sweet, yet SO EVIL! How I love you...

Pepe's House

2011-04-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

In the back yard of a tiny village in France - springtime magic happens... Children smile for the camera among sunshine and blooms and it makes for photographic DREAMS!

**disclaimer** the kids are ONLY cute in pictures. I repeat... ONLY in pictures!!

It's passing me by...

2011-03-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

Her life...

This picture says it all... Her eyes focused just ahead of her - the sun, a spotlight on her beautiful features. That flowing blonde hair, those crystal blue eyes... her little nose and pointy chin. And what's that? A SMILE!!! A glint of happiness on a budding adolescent who would sooner be in a bad mood if you made her choose a book over cartoons!

It didn't dawn on me how much she'd grown until I was bathing Ava one night. Stevie and Ava frequently play in the bathtub together, and on occasion I do both the girls hair for them since I'm already in there on my knees... I'd finished up Ava and I stood up to rinse Stevie's hair out and I took a second and just looked at her as I rinsed her bubble free... Her head was tilted back, her eyes closed as the water ran down over her face and shoulders and I almost teared up! That "little kid" face was gone. In it's place were the features of an older child. More defined cheekbones, a bigger forehead. Even her skin had taken a different tone. Not the soft skin of a baby - but the used skin of a kid who'd spent a few hours out under the sun in the summertime.

This was my firstborn... my BABY! Where did the time go? She's been in my life for over 8 years!! I'm not sure how I feel about the time passing me by. I'm not sure if I enjoy going to work every day and coming home 8-10 hours later to another day gone and my children being that much older. It's such a bittersweet feeling - welcoming new independence while saying goodbye to things they used to need me for!

Mommy and Stevie - 2003

September 2004

Stevie at the fountains in downtown Shreveport

Someone had a little TOO MUCH fun!

These are the moments I will carry forever in my heart :)

Reverence

2011-03-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

In my previous blog, I'd mentioned shedding a tear at church... There's something about confiding raw emotion to total strangers that reduces me to such a state.

In our Sunday School class, we were discussing Holiness, Reverence, and Obedience. I'm not a biblical scholar, so I had to look at the little sidebars in the study book for examples of each. I'm so glad that one of the other ladies turned the conversation back to reverence - because I had a story to share... I'd experienced my own moment just last year!

As many of you, my readers, know... last year I lost my aunt to oral cancer. One day I was feeling a need to be close to Jesus, so I took a drive out to the Abtei Himmerod (a very OLD old church) and walked inside. I'd only been a couple of times, as a "tourist." I walked in to take pictures and oooh and aaaah at the architecture. This time was different. This time I walked in and took a seat in the last row and closed my eyes. The silence within the walls was deafening. I could hear my heart beat. I could feel life flowing through my veins. I closed my eyes and fought the urge to cry... It was nearing 5pm, and worshippers were beginning to enter for the service that would begin soon.

I was hoping that my spot at the back of the church would go unnoticed. I opened my eyes back up and watched as people filed in. I watched as not one, or two, but ALL of the people who came in to worship, stopped behind the last row and knelt before their King. They acknowledged that he was the Almighty. They showed reverence before coming in to be with Him.

I was horrified... shocked... ashamed of myself. Who was I to just plop my hind end down on a seat and think that I could just BE there. "Kickin' it" in His house? I quickly made the sign of the cross over my chest and kissed my fingertips and avoided all eye contact with the Jesus hanging on the cross at the front of the room... tucked my tail between my legs and scurried out. I apologized profusely for a few miles for being so ignorant. Again.... who was I to think that of all the comanders I'd ever stood at attention for, or all the losers I'd ever saluted - I'd never thought to kneel before my one true King...

This is yet another reason I'm choosing to educate myself about Him. I want to learn to show Him that reverence... I want to understand His purpose, and my life. I want my children to know Him. I pray that this becomes a permanent change in my life, for the better... and not just some phase I'm going through! Time will tell...

Officially...

2011-03-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

No really - it just might have. Grab a drink - this might be a long post.

So. I've always considered myself a Christian. I'm "spiritual". I pray when I feel I need to. I've never been an avid church-goer. I was forced into the house of the Lord as a child, because my mother felt it was where I needed to be on Sunday morning. (I would have much preferred to chill out with dad!) Once I was old enough to make my own decisions, I avoided that place like the plague. I joined the military, and some of the more experienced boot campers advised my flight to GO TO CHURCH on Sunday!! So I went... all 6 Sundays that I had in basic training, I attended the contemporary service (but selfishly, not for the Lord. I did it to escape the confines of our strict environment.) Sure I cried at the sound of music, and I sang and danced with my sisters... but was I there for the right reasons? Surely not!

There've been times over the past few years where I've wanted to go to church, but I was nervous about going. I'm not a "feminine" person - don't own many church-goin' clothes. I always stayed away because I feared what others would think of me if I showed up in jeans and a sweatshirt! Had a hard time deciding which church to attend, and would ultimately chicken out because I didn't want to walk through those doors alone as "that NEW girl!" I was comfortable believing that I had a personal relationship with Christ that didn't require my presence in His home to support it.

Then, I had a daughter. And another - and another. As my oldest daughter got older, I realized I had an obligation to teach her about God. We'd toured Europe, and been in many cathedrals, and I had a 4 year old who asked why Jesus hung on the cross... why He always looked so sad. I told her what I could - but I painfully realized that I didn't know enough to educate my children on the word of God. I still stayed away on Sundays - but there's a whole week in the summer dedicated to Vacation Bible School that I could sign her up for! She could go have fun, learn, and I wouldn't have to face the masses in my jeans and sweatshirt!

But you see - my daughter was 6 when she first went to VBS. The second year, I went to pick her up and had my 2.5 year old in tow and she got to see the tail end of a day at VBS. She witnessed the singing and the dancing and the fun that went on in God's house and she wanted to go back. Unfortunately, they don't have an age group for her.

Last summer, my path crossed with that of my neighbor. We'd only previously talked in passing, but over the last few months we've grown closer... We swap babysitting... play with kids on the playground... have enjoyed a dinner or two together. I can't believe she kept talking to me after our first couple conversations together. By nature, I'm a rather negative, judgemental individual. So I talk a LOT of trash about anyone who deserves to be talked about! However, I stayed drawn to my neighbor - because she was such a positive, God fearing individual. Her children spoke of Jesus (and they're so young!) She's so Christian it makes me wanna puke sometimes. :) At the same time though - she's a normal human. She and her husband partake in the alcohol. The use the occasional cuss word. He serves in the military like I do. We're completely different people - but in all honesty... she made me want to be a better person. They're both very active in a local church, so their whereabouts every Sunday morning got my wheels to churning again. I want to be better. I want my children to know more. I need to be there.

I kept pushing the idea of church on Sunday to the back of my head. Seriously. I mean, Saturday is my day to sleep in - and I try to pay Nicolas back by letting him have Sunday. I get TWO days a week where I don't have to be anywhere. I'm SELFISH. I need ME time. But out of some weird side-thought one night, my 3 year old says to me "Mommy, you go to church with me?" Mind you - we haven't talked about church since we took Stevie to VBS last August... so where this thought came from - NO CLUE. I couldn't help but to tell her maybe, while in the back of my mind I knew... I had to take her. How can I deny my child a relationship with her God? The answer - I can't.

I told myself last night that if I woke up early enough on Sunday - then that would be the deciding factor. Well, God made sure of it. 0630am on the dot, Victoria squirms in her bed needing a bottle. **sigh** Ok. OK God, I hear you talking. I get up and feed her. While I'm sitting here enjoying her beady little eyes, I'm working on my own courage. Today is the day - no excuses. Ava wakes up. I'm running through her closet in my head, picking out her church clothes. Baby's fed, Ava's dressed... Stevie wakes up. Pick out Stevie's clothes... Jump in the shower, find something decent. Nope - not jeans and a sweatshirt! I think we all looked great for our first day!

0820, I saw my neighbor's van downstairs so I rang her doorbell... totally wanting to surprise her with our decision to go to church this morning. I was looking for a bit of comfort - hoping to follow them there so I wouldn't be walking in alone. Unfortunately, her husband was called for work so they wouldn't be going this morning. OH NO! A hurdle... Lord, give me the strength to not chicken out. No problem, we'll figure this church thing out!

I show up really early. I'm glad. I immediately start talking to a really nice guy who was getting stuff ready for coffee. Little by little, everyone showed up and they were so accepting of us. Introductions and handshakes and smiles and... NICENESS. We found Ava's class, and Stevie ran off to find hers, and I found myself in with some wonderful ladies. We studied some in Peter this morning, about Holiness, Reverence, and Obedience. I had to admit to them that I'd never been asked to look something up in the bible - couldn't tell you the books it contained... I mean, I know a couple, but nothing by heart. But I felt better for BEING there.

Class ran a little late. Afterwards, we all came together and sang and prayed, and learned about Nehemiah. We learned that joy comes from obedience. It's hard to explain, but it felt like everything they talked about at church today was directed right at me! Nehemiah, Chapter 8... the people needed revival, so they asked for the law to be read - and they stood and listened... and they bowed and wept. Is that not what I did today? I needed revival... I went, and asked to understand.... and I listened (and believe it or not, I cried) but that's a different post. Yessiree - God spoke to me today.

There is some stuff I need to ease into. I'm still selfish Jen. I'm still self conscious. I'm still judgemental. (Who was that chick in the second pew who kept raising her hands to the sky while singing hymns?) Seriously... that's so weird. I just can't open up like that! And the people behind us who let their kid play nintendo while everyone else was listening to the sermon. Really? NINTENDO IN CHURCH?! Come on people - leave it at home. But... I feel better for taking my children... for allowing them the opportunity to learn about their Creator. For giving them yet another experience in life. I do hope to go back every possible Sunday. I'd like to be able to get to a point where I can answer life's questions when my children (or grandchildren) ask in the future.

Hold them closely, love them mostly...

2011-03-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

I've been following Another Day Stronger and today is a "milestone" for Kellie and James Staats... (I say milestone, because there really isn't another term for it.) Exactly 1 month ago today, their precious Madison went to be with God. Kellie asked that today, we spend some extra time with our kids - take them out on the playground... enjoy some sunshine. LOVE them, and share.

Unfortunately - our Germany weather today was gross. Cloudy and gray. But I do want to highlight on our TUESDAY that we spent outside in the sun.... we took our own baby girl Victoria out to experience grass and the playground for the first time.

What IS this stuff?

Can I eat it?

What do I do in here?

Ava loves her baby Victoria

So there we were...

2011-03-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

1400pm on 12 March 2010. Shanna and Kayla arrive at our house. We pile into the van and head to the Bedaplatz to pick up Gertrud. Our last stop on a trip to Oberhausen to see Taylor Swift LIVE!!

1615pm, 135 miles and 1 speeding ticket later - we arrive! The Kayla and Stevie had no idea where we were going. They both thought they were in for an afternoon of shopping with old women :P Kayla was the first to figure it out when she saw a banner of Taylor Swift with the date written on the bottom. Putting two and two together she says "wait, is TODAY the March 12th? Yes! IT IS! OMG, we're going to see Taylor Swift!" (Stevie still didn't get it.) HAHAH!

1645pm - parked and on foot to find the ticket office to retrieve our reserved seats. The general entry crowd is pumped up and screaming for the cameras. TONS of people line the sidewalks with posters and handmade t-shirts, and cameras and bags. The girls are so excited.

the Konig-Pilsener Arena in Oberhausen, Germany

Kayla and Stevie, waiting in line for the doors to open

1650-1730... We stand at the front of the line, waiting for the doors to open. Hehehe, I tricked 'em both as I looked hard inside the glass doors and loudly exlaimed "THERE SHE IS!" They both jumped and freaked out and yelled "WHERE?!" before I let out a hearty "JUST KIDDING!" hahaha... I guess they didn't think it was as funny as I did.

1730pm - the doors open. We quickly get in and get in line for souvenirs. Stevie got a tour t-shirt, a program, collector guitar picks, and a glow stick. On to the Coke station to pick up a drink and then off to find our seats... We passed an open door so the girls wanted to climb up and sneak a quick peek at the arena. Stevie's jaw dropped. "COOL!"

In the nosebleeds, but exciteded nonetheless!

Waiting for the show to start ALMOST killed the excitement. It was a long wait, but in the end, worth it. 1915pm and the lights shut off. The crowd started screaming, and a "first timer" Stevie grabbed my arm in fear. I patted her silly head and reassured her that this was normal and she got excited. The opening act was a duo known as Martin and James from Scotland. GREAT singers! (pics below - don't ask me which one is which...)

1945 pm... Martin and James proclaim they're singing they're last song - so everyone cheers. Not that they're bad, but come on! We're really there for Taylor anyway right?? They finish, but the lights come back on! NO! WE WANT TAYLOR!! A quick stage change and the lights shut off again... and then Oh. My. Goodness. Madness erupts. The chanting, the booming bass coming from the loud speakers near the stage. Stevie covers her ears. I told her to settle in - it's gonna be a LONG night! :)

2000pm - Let the show begin. She starts with a speech about life, and "Speaking Now" about the things we should say so that they don't turn into things we meant to say. Words like I'm sorry, or I love you. A nice, thought provoking speech which leads into her opening song "Sparks Fly."

I have to stop now to share an emotional highlight of my night. When I first had Stevie - it was a personal goal of mine to take her to Disneyland when she turned 5. Well, I made it. I got her to Disneyland Paris when she was 5. However, I wanted to see the fireworks in that child's eyes... Unfortunately - Disneyland for her was like... the school playground or something. I didn't get quite the reaction that I'd anticipated.

Last night, with Taylor Swift - I think I definitely won "Awesomest Mother of the Year!" During Taylor's opening speech about saying those things that we always mean to say, Stevie leaned in and yelled "THANK YOU!" in my ear! And I don't know if she meant for me to hear it or not... but she continued on with "THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!" (cue the waterworks.) I was a babbling fool for the first couple songs!

We liked her sparkly guitar the best!

Speaking about how NICE she thought Germany was!

Her signature heart. (funny how all the fans do it too. It's like speaking to ALIENS!)

Stevie was a rather reserved fan - compared to the die hard freaks around us who were waving banners and screaming and dancing and LIVING the music. I tried to get her into it... encouraged her to wave her hands and clap to the beat of the music... She ended up being more like me. Just quietly sitting and taking it all in. She was kind of bummed that she couldn't go with her friend to the floor to stand and dance and jump and be crazy with the aliens. :) I would have let her - but I knew if she'd gotten separated from Kayla she would have had NO IDEA what to do. She was safer with me... Maybe another concert! (on a bright note for Kayla - she made her way to the floor and ended up RIGHT NEXT to the stage for an up close and personal moment with Taylor!)

2130pm - the grand finale.

Stevie jumped about 2 feet out of her chair when the streamers and glitter exploded into the air! "WOOOOW!"

I'm pretty sure that I'll have to wash her Taylor Swift tour shirt tonight so she can wear it AGAIN to school tomorrow. All she could think about yesterday was getting to brag about her great night :) I can only imagine what it was like through Stevie's eyes... but for me, it's a night I'll never forget! SUCH FUN!

Drastic times call for...

2011-03-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

Tickets to frickin' TAYLOR SWIFT!!

See what happens when you give up facebook? You're forced to find other websites to look at... so one website led to another, and I found out that Taylor Swift is going to be a little over 2 hours from our home on Saturday night. What GREATER surprise could I give my budding little Stevie than the best night of her life? **giggle** She was rather disappointed when I told her that she couldn't sleep over at her friend's house on Saturday night because she'd be going shopping with her dear old mom instead... I cannot WAIT to see how she reacts when she finds out what's really in store. (now to hope that she doesn't read my blog!) :P

I haven't been to a concert since Celine Dion in Paris a couple years ago. I'm so excited!! Can't wait to blog about our awesome night!

I Jumped Off the Cliff...

2011-03-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

And I survived!

Day 1... Normally - I waste too many hours on facebook at work. But today, I managed to finish a draft on a decoration for my troop... as well as a justification letter and her decor 6! I also started proofing an AFI, continued to arrange an AFSO 21 event for 52d Fighter Wing airspace scheduling, tried to track down a POC for an idea I had about a base-wide event, all while doing my MAIN JOB! I was busy from 0815-1645 when I left to go to the gym. (If I'd accessed facebook, I probably would have seen that my aerobics class was cancelled) but that's ok. I drove TO the gym and burned a few calories walking in to see the sign on the door.

Granted... while sitting at my desk and downing my salad for lunch - I surfed Amazon.com and thought about all the useless things I could buy and tried to justify owning something gay, like a motion sensored trashcan or a double jogging stroller (when it's clear that my 3 yr old clearly doesn't FIT in one anymore!) Fortunately, for today, I resisted the urge to waste money by shopping online.

I got home this evening and straightened up the house a little bit... set the table while the husband cooked dinner, fed the baby and put her down for a nap. Finished a movie on TV and called my lawyer to get an update on things back in the states. (whole 'nother story right there people!)

All in all... I seriously thought I'd have larger cravings to log in and see if anyone messaged me or who had the most drama today. I'm PROUD to say that I survived day 1 without so much as a second thought about giving up! I got this ;)

Too Busy to Blog!

2011-03-06T03:37:00.000-08:00

Work. Wife. Mommy. Cat Owner. Work. Wife. Mommy. Cat Owner. (notice MYSELF isn't in this equation?) Am I really sad that I've just been TOO BUSY to blog?! Nahhh...


My days are filled with making sure the children are occupied!

Hoping the baby smiles more than she cries...

Wrangling critters out of mommy's spot!

Feeding the baby her first bites of cereal...

Bathing the baby in her "big girl" bathtub for the first time!

Saving the baby from her parachute mishaps...

Capturing sweet sister moments on camera...

Experiencing German holidays with Ava in kindergarten...

Taking advantage of the times when Victoria DOESN'T cry!

Helping Stevie grow up - by letting her layer her hair....

Yes, my days are busy - but I wouldn't have them any other way.

The World as I Know It

2011-02-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

The world as I know it consists of my wonderful husband, my three children, my two cats.... a home in Europe, a semi-secure job with the USAF, a paycheck twice a month. Right now, I can't say that there's anything material that I'm left wanting, or needing for that matter. Heck, not just material - I'm a success story all the way around!

Tonight, I'm left with a bit of a fear as I just finished reading an updated post on a blog that a friend shared with me today. I know the stories are out there, and SO many families have had to pick up from tragedy and move on... but tonight I share grief with a husband/wife who had a daughter just 4 days older than my sweet Victoria. Unfortunately, their baby died just last week :( I can't explain her emotion, so if you feel compelled to understand the depth of her pain, check out her blog at http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com.

I tucked my girls into bed tonight, and believe it or not I hugged them a little tighter, and for just a moment longer than usual. I stared at each of them, and said a silent prayer - a request that this not be the last night I get to tuck them in. The truth is, NONE of us knows what God has in store for us. We just have to say thanks for today and hope that if there's a tomorrow, that He uses us for the better of the world around us.

Chores?

2011-02-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

When I think of the word "chores" I recall a DREADED time in my life when chores took me away from the things I loved most. 10 minutes to sweep a floor when I could be on my way to a friend's house. 20 minutes to wash the dinner dishes when I could be laid up on the couch with my favorite, evening television show. A wasted 5 minutes making a bed when I would just UNmake it later that night. Chores got in the way of LIFE when I was young and it goes without saying that I. Hated. Them.

Last night, while sorting and putting away the laundry... I realized that this isn't the case any longer.

For you see, when I do the laundry - I see the outline of my family... The spit blankets and feet pajamas that Victoria uses on a daily basis... the small washcloths remind me of the bath she'd taken a few hours ago... splashing her tiny feet and giggling happily as she sat in the BIG GIRL bathtub with her older sister. I get to fold the ketchup stained shirts of Ava Ryan, and am brought to smile as I think about her obsession with chicken nuggets after school. I cringe with irritation as I fold a pair of pants that Stevie Lynn had only worn twice and were not dirty at all when she placed them in the hamper - but then I'm delighted to know that my daughter is only trying to be aware of her personal hygiene and the way she looks. As I fold Nicolas' shirts and hang his pants, I'm pleased that he chose me to be his wife... that I'm able to be there for him, and he's not left to do his laundry alone in his tiny apartment in Paris anymore.

Vacuuming. I can't hate it anymore, although it is the most time consuming chore in the house. Tile and wood cover 90 percent of our floors, leaving small pebbles of cat litter and cat hair and food crumbs and Lord knows WHAT else to stick to the bottom of a bare foot as it crosses the house. Even as I do this, I see remnants of my wonderful life being sucked away into a clean floor oblivion! Cat hair is swept into piles for the dustpan, and they look on with big round eyes as I clean the cat litter that they so carefully sprinkled all over my bathroom floor. I smile at the tedious task, thinking of those moments late at night when Athena will tap me on the forehead so I'll let her beneath the covers for warmth. Knowing too well that with all of the fuss of owning a cat, it's worth it for those times when Zeus will cuddle in my lap or take an afternoon nap in my bed with me.

Washing the dishes. . . by far the MOST hated chore as a child. Even the first couple years of my marriage, dishes were reserved for the husband :D In fact, it wasn't until I was pregnant with Victoria that I started to enjoy doing them. As I start to scrub the cheese, or mashed potatoes that have dried on a plate from dinner, I sometimes get lost in thought about all the wonderful meals my husband has prepared for us. I laugh at moments that I've shared with the kids in the kitchen... cookie decorating, birthday brownies, bowls of ice cream and hot chocolate or popcorn on a cold winter's day. I look back at the dining room table, and remember a time when it was just a decoration piece in my house... but now, it's utilized daily in my home... all of us, sitting together without a TV on - to eat dinner and be together. I smile bigger knowing that it takes two wet wipes to clean our table now, instead of just one... I guess a growing family will do that huh?

Ahh yes, and that wasted time of making a bed, just to UNmake it later... well, without those few moments of straightening covers and making sure there's an equal amount that falls on both sides of the bed - I wouldn't have time to reflect on the moments that are shared between those sheets! Those late nights when Victoria needs 2 more oz. of formula to get her to sleep... when she finishes, and needs to cuddle or smile or talk just 5 extra minutes to get her through the night. Or when Ava joins us because of a nightmare. Or when Stevie UNmakes the bed in order to climb inside so she can watch her cartoons in our room before she goes to bed each night. And yes, even those quiet moments when all the house is asleep - when Nicolas and I hold one another and talk about the wonderful things our life has become. I do, I make beds daily.... and I think that THIS, is my favorite chore.

Homesick

2011-01-30T06:34:00.000-08:00

I grew up in Sonora, Texas. I haven't lived in Texas in over 10 years. I think it's safe to say that I miss home. Unfortunately, home is now where my heart is. When my father passed in '96, I stayed in Sonora only a little longer so I could graduate from high school. After that, I left - and Sonora has never been the same.

I have friends on facebook who still live there, and every now and then they'll post a picture and I see the West Texas landscape in the background and my heart lurches, and a lump forms in my throat and I have to hold my breath to keep from crying... Oh how I miss Sonora.

I borrowed these pictures from unknown photographers off of google images:

I miss Sutton County Days, and how this lawn fills up every summer with FUN!

I miss Main Street, and parades...

I miss driving the backroads, bluebonnets along the highways, and sunsets...

I miss school... the crunch of the yellow grass in the winter, and the crisp, cold air!

I miss the oak trees, and the wild mesquite...

I miss the cactus, and the limestone, and ... and... **tear**

Oh how I miss Sonora...

I miss that era of my life! I could go back, I could buy my house and raise my children in the same schools that I went to - but it wouldn't be the same now. I'd give anything to spend a day or two there though - just driving the old stomping grounds, taking in the scent of country air and dust through the vents on a dirt road. Maybe just park the car out on a quiet hill and waste an entire day reminiscing about all those wonderful years I spent in small town America. God blessed me with Sonora :)

Touching Base

2011-01-30T06:13:00.000-08:00

I haven't died. I'm just so incredibly busy with LIFE that by the time I sit down for a little "me" time, I don't want to waste it blogging! I want to beat my high score on the current facebook addiction game, or catch up on Desperate Housewives, or SLEEP.

I feel so disconnected from all of my friends and for that I am sorry. I've had to really turn inward to make it through the days here recently. There's just so much to do! Beds to be made, laundry washed, kids fed and bathed... rides to school, long hours at work, aerobics classes to try to enjoy. I walk around with my eyes open, but I'm not really sure I can see through them - if that makes sense. I try to mold such a strict, predictable routine so that I'm not thrown off course (all the while, using my kids as an excuse for the routine!) hehe...

Things are still getting better though. I think Nico and I make a great team when it comes to dealing with the girls. We're still pushing Stevie to try her best academically, we're still getting Ava to German kindergarten every morning so she can experience her own little life, and Victoria keeps us in check and lets us know if we've forgotten that it's time for her to eat or be changed! The only baby in the house who has been neglected recently is my beloved Zeus. So sad that at the end of the night, after all the girls are in bed and I've had an adequate amount of "me" time on facebook - I put my laptop down to find he'd been staring at the back of my monitor, just waiting for his turn in my lap. So for 5 more minutes, I scoop him up and hug him tight, hoping this allotted time will keep him from turning against me.

No, I'm definitely not dead yet. I've never been busier in all my life! :)

My reasons for living...

Breathing

2011-01-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

It wasn't long ago that I was lost. I was a new mother all over again, and I couldn't figure out how in the world to make three children mesh together equally. They all needed me, in their own little way - one more than the other... and ALL at the same time. I was (and still am) grieving over the loss of the person that I was closest to. I have cats that I love dearly that I just couldn't find time for! I had to be a wife somewhere in all of this as well. I seriously just could not see through the storm... I was drowning - and to top EVERYTHING else off, I'd be going back to work. How in the world was I going to fit 8-9 hours of work into an already overwhelming day?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to say that I'm going to be OK!

There is calm in the storm...

I started back to work full time on 3 January 2011. On the 4th, I messaged a friend (and doctor) about possibly seeing a psychologist to help me sort through my many emotions. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm SERIOUSLY stubborn and I was convinced I didn't need any stinkin' doctors to help me figure out my head. (well I'm still stubborn, and I never saw the stinkin' doc... but it was knowing that they were there if I needed them that kind of helped out!)

I told myself that I'd give it two weeks (from the 4th) before I made the call and went to therapy. In the meantime, I've been focusing on going to work on time, and coming home on time - trying to weave that pattern into taking care of three beautiful girls. 5 days of going to work and coming home... waking early, putting girls to bed... I've started a rhythmic pattern that was absolutely necessary to soothing my mind. One more hurdle to go - adding gym into my schedule. I know that once I do stop making excuses and start the habit of going and eating better and working and coming home and loving my girls and being a wife, and cuddling my two cats - I'll be an unstoppable force that cannot be reckoned with!

My tears are fewer and farther between. My grieving is far from over, but I think receiving the stocking for Christmas from her really did help. I haven't cried since I wrote the last blog - and usually it was an everyday occurrence!

Anyway... hopefully more blogs will be coming as I settle back into life and the habit of breathing doesn't seem so much like a struggle anymore. I just wanted to get it out on "paper" that I'm going to be OK! :)

Closure

2011-01-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

When I said goodbye to her on May 27th, I knew for sure I'd talk to her on the phone when she got back from her vacation. She'd tell me all about Colorado and the Mine Train, and the beautiful mountains... and how she packed EVERY day full of excitement, as though it would be her last. I knew that she was living out her final days... and I loved that she was doing it in this fashion - planning awesome vacations, beautiful sight-seeing trips, etc. But when I received word that she'd fallen drastically ill just a few days into her vacation... what I knew before didn't exist anymore. I would never talk to her again.

She was violently ripped away from me. She pleaded with her friends to not let me come home to be with her. My aunt was a BEAUTIFUL woman. She had long blonde hair, and a beautiful smile - but the cancer broke everything on the outside. The only thing it couldn't touch was her spirit. Still, I couldn't be with her - because she didn't want me to be. So I honored her wishes, painfully, and stayed in Germany.

I couldn't talk to her on the phone. She was "very sick" is all they could tell me. I couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't say I love you. I could only have faith that she knew how I felt... because we'd said it so many times before, already.

I wrote her a letter. I sent it to her best friend and asked her to read it to her, but she never heard those words. In my heart I felt like she died not knowing just how much I loved her... just how much she meant to me. People, her friends, others THINK they know how much she meant to me, but they have no idea... no one knows but me.

I was left with my mouth hanging open... thinking of conversations that would never take place. Yearning for final words... a letter I hadn't read, an email that wasn't opened... SOMETHING new from her that I'd never get. I needed closure. Christmas is full of blessings....

Her friend sent a package for Christmas. Among a few books, some soap, and cute little cupcake thingies for the girls, was a separate wrapped package for Victoria. A card that was with it mentioned that my aunt had left this behind to be sent to her namesake. I carefully opened it up, and inside was a gift (picture below.) But what I loved the most, was the pink post-it note with Vicki's handwriting on it. "For new Victoria." It was her handwriting... new words, from her. My closure.

Beautiful, black leather with Indian beadwork... it could only be something from Vicki (especially for her namesake.)

The End...

She is with Me...

2010-12-11T08:34:00.000-08:00

I wish I could lay all of my thoughts out on the table and sort them, and throw out all the ones that are USELESS and random and put back all the ones that are necessary to survive. I'm overwhelmed and finding it difficult to cope every now and then.

I think I've got a pinch of postpartum depression. I didn't feel this down after I had my first two kids... I was so excited and in love with them and so happy to take them around and show them off. Victoria on the other hand, has been difficult to manage. My first two children didn't cry the way she does. She's needy, clingy, and cries about everything. Our first two children were and are extremely independent, but Victoria needs to be held ALL the time. I think she's getting better (because as I type, she's sleeping in her swing beside me.) Until now, though, it's been difficult, for me anyway. God bless my husband for taking that weight from me because all too often I just can't handle the crying.

I'm ashamed to admit that there has been a time or two where I've looked at her screaming face and thought "I got pregnant for the wrong reasons, and I'm not sure she's what I want anymore." I got pregnant to name her Victoria. I got pregnant to share her with my aunt. My aunt died before she got here. Now what? Now I'm left with a screaming infant that sometimes, I just wanna slam dunk into the crib and run away.

I know my aunt is with me though. In her life, she was so afraid of holding babies. She just KNEW she'd break one. She came to visit me when Ava was 9 months old, and I asked Vicki if she'd ever held a sleeping baby on her chest and she said no. So I placed Ava on her, and Vicki told me that her heart just swelled beneath her chest. -- The other day was no different for me. I was sad, and angry that Victoria just wouldn't stop crying... I gave her to Nico for a while, and he couldn't comfort her and the more she cries the less patience I had and I was snapping at Stevie and Ava and really just wishing I could take EVERYTHING back and make this all go away... I finally took her back in my arms and laid her on my chest and she fell asleep almost instantly. As I was sitting there, I felt my aunt talking to me - telling me "see... all the hardships in life are worth those little moments that make your heart swell right up out of your chest. She was right. I took in the fact that Stevie and Ava had gone off to their room to play together, my sweet husband was cooking dinner in the kitchen, and the baby.... was healing my heart.

... I miss you so much it hurts...

Quoting Sheryl Crow lyrics - "No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard."

A Day in the Life Of....

2010-12-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

Victoria Raye:

Here lately, we've managed to get a few of these out of her....

But most of the time, we just stuff her with a sucker to keep her quiet.

And if we try to get a smile for the camera by taking the sucker away, we get the look of "WTF?"

So we give the sucker back... and then it falls out and she becomes pissed...


REALLY pissed :)

The end.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-04T11:53:00.000-08:00


Merry Christmas from The Durgeats

I'm Thankful For...

2010-11-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get lost in the daily grind of life. I overlook the fact that I say "NO!" more times than I say yes to my children. I stumble wearily through days with little sleep and a lack of energy and my patience is gone and I'm so overwhelmed with the new baby and a 3 yr old and just... OH MY GOSH!

I'm thankful for my husband... for ALL he does for me and for our family. His patience, although I know it's as gone as mine sometimes, is also seemingly endless. He steps in all the time, and works overtime when I've hit a spot in my day where I just can't take anymore. He loves me unconditionally - stretch marks, bad hair, whatever the case may be. He overlooks blemished skin and baby fat and doesn't say a thing when I sit in the same pajamas for two days straight. He still loves me.

I'm thankful for my Stevie. For the moments when she tells me "I'll wash Ava's hair tonight mom, it's one less thing you have to do." For the days when she comes home from school and says "I made 115 on my spelling test!" For the times that I realize how big she's getting... when she asks to get rid of the things that she enjoyed as a younger child.... when she asks us to buy her the things that will carry her through to her next stage in life. I'm thankful for how beautiful and smart she is, and SO thankful that she has friends and that she's so well liked in school! She's a great kid, and for that I am blessed.

I'm thankful for my Ava. So blessed with her life, her extreme personality, her mood swings and temper tantrums... amazed by her common sense (she blows her sister out of the water on this one!) Thankful for her beauty, for her kisses and hugs... for the nights that I tuck her into bed - and go back to find her with her blankie and her thumb, still my precious little girl. Thankful that she's in German kindergarten and starting to speak the local language.

I'm thankful for my Victoria. Thankful that she cries in the middle of the night (for at least she has breath Lord.) Thankful that she eats, and that she poops, and that she SLEEPS! I'm so thankful that she's healthy, and just as beautiful as her sisters. I'm thankful that she has completed our family and that the new chapter in our life has begun.

I'm thankful for my Zeus and my Athena... for the sweet white cat who cuddles at the foot of the bed all through the night. The same white cat who cuddles on the kids' pillows when I'm gone with the military, keeping watch as any good mother would. My sweet Athena, who pats me on the forehead at night so I'll lift the covers and let her in. My black panther, Zeus, who is not shy about letting you know when his food bowl is near empty. My little man, who begs to cuddle in my lap - so jealous of the new baby! My big teddy bear...

I'm so very thankful.... for you see, these make up my family - my home. Who needs turkey and pumpkin pie when you've got hamburger helper with a little bit of baby puke on the side?? I LOVE MY LIFE!

I promise the cake wasn't crooked when I picked it up from the baker's house!

Birth Stories - The Final Chapter

2010-11-21T06:21:00.000-08:00

After Ava was born, we gave away everything that she'd outgrown... I was fairly certain that Ava was going to be the last baby. She outgrew her clothes, so I donated them to Airman's Attic on base. She outgrew her crib, so I sold it to a lady who needed it. I watched as she learned to crawl, and then walk, and then talk...

Then I deployed to Iraq. I spent 4.5 months in the summer heat of the desert, supporting a war that appears to never end. When I returned, a lot of my friends and people I worked with were pregnant, getting pregnant, or had babies. All it took was cuddling ONE of them as a newborn and I was hooked. It's like smelling new car smell - it stings your nose and drags you in. THEN, you need a new car :P

I had one clear reason for needing another baby. I wanted a namesake for my Aunt Vicki. I didn't know for sure that I'd have a girl, but if I did - her name would be Victoria. You see, my aunt was the last person left on my father's side of the family, and she was dying from cancer. I needed someone to carry her name, her memory.

So Nicolas and I sat down and looked at our budget. We bought a new van - we needed more room if we were going to have one more. In January, we decided that we'd try ONCE for a baby... if it happened, then it was God's will. January was the month we needed to try, because I wanted another October baby... My other two girls were born in October, so I wanted this one to be as well. For 10 days, we "tried" and when I was late the next month, I tested and smiled as it came back positive! I ordered flowers for my aunt... 3 red roses with a card attached that read "Happy Valentine's Day! Love Stevie, Ava, and Baby #3." She was overjoyed.

In April, my aunt was scheduled to undergo some pretty major surgery. Before she left for the hospital, I told her about our plan to name the baby Victoria if it turned out to be a girl. She was excited! Unfortunately, she never got to have the surgery that could have saved her life. Timing is everything in these situations and time just wasn't in her favor for this :(

May 27th turned out to be the last time I'd ever talk to my aunt. I called her for a quick chat before we left for France for Memorial Day weekend. When I got back, she'd be on her way to Colorado for vacation. It was in Colorado that her health rapidly declined. She was rushed back to the hospital in TX where she would evetually pass away. July 18, 2010 was the last day she'd ever welcome into her life. The rest of my pregnancy was bittersweet. I'd wanted desperately to fly her over prior to the birth so she could be in the room when her namesake was born. Now, I had to have faith that she'd be present, just not as I'd hoped.

My third trimester was utterly painful. I suffered from SPD, with a gap of 11.2mm in my pubic bone. I had severe edema in my legs and ankles. I worked to the very last day. On 18 October, I had my final doctor's appt, where they told me they would induce me that evening due to rising blood pressure. I went home, packed the girls up so they could spend the night with a friend, and went back to the hospital to be admitted.

7pm - I was hooked up to monitors and given a cocktail to drink to induce labor. Previously, I'd had ZERO contractions, but the doctor said that my cervix was relatively soft. Once labor started it would go quickly. The cocktail was a mix of orange juice, marmalade, and champagne. I hadn't made it through half the pitcher before the monitor showed a range of small and medium contractions. An hour later, the doc sent me to my room for the night, telling me that the cocktail wouldn't cause actual labor - it was just supposed to ripen my cervix for the events of the next day. At 0700, they said they'd give me the actual medication to finish the job. Little did EVERYONE know, we wouldn't need their medicine the next day :P

1030pm, I'm laying in bed and contractions are getting stronger and stronger. Poor Nicolas was in the bed next to mine, trying to get some sleep. I didn't want to bother him, but I knew that we needed to get down the hall. We walked down and I asked to be checked for dilation because I was quite certain the baby was on the way. Sure enough, I was at 3.5cm. They called for the epidural guy to come in and it was ON!

Midnight. Epidural is in. I keep waiting for it to kick in, but I could still feel everything but the contractions. I don't know how that happened or what kinda drugs they use over here in Germany. I was SO worried I was gooin to feel everything when Victoria came out. It happened so rapidly though... 0130am, three pushes, blammo... the baby is here. I just remember extreme pressure. I remember the midwife with her hands in my crotch and I was so certain she was ripping me in half, so I was trying to push her away. I remember them telling me to stop pushing, and not being able to stop!

I remember talking to Victoria the minute she was born. They put her on my chest, and I immediately saw her blonde hair (my aunt was blonde.) Her color was beautiful, she had a cute little round head... she was... Victoria. And then I was sad :( I wanted my Aunt Vicki there with me. And then I was happy.... I had a new baby, and my husband was there, and soon - her sisters.

She was born on her due date, not a minute before. I giggled silently to myself as that was just like a Victoria I knew - to never break the rules. Her sisters came the next day to meet her. Oh, how in awe Ava was to hold the tiny baby that had been in mommy's tummy. The tiny baby that would sit in the carseat she'd seen in the van for weeks prior. The tiny baby that would swing in the living room and sleep in the crib and wear the diapers that were in the cabinet for her. And how in love Stevie was with someone who couldn't talk back to her, and someone who wouldn't yet crawl in her room and bother her :D

Oh how not ready I was for all of this. I can say I've cried once or twice at the feeling of being overwhelmed. Ava's having such a hard time adjusting to being the middle child. I can't seem to get a grasp on a routine or a schedule, and one of THOSE is so desperately needed to keep things in order around here. We're exhausted from lack of sleep. Bless Stevie's little heart, she's truly pitched in and helped in EVERY corner of the house... from bathing Ava, to feeding Victoria, to never forgetting to make her bed on weekday mornings :D

How sweet thou art...

Isn't she absolutely BEAUTIFUL??

Proud (tired) daddy!

I love the look on Stevie's face here....

My beautiful angels!

Notice Ava, with her baby doll. She watched everything I do, and then she goes to practice on her babies :D

The long awaited moment...

Here, Ava is giving instruction on Barbie play, while watching Playhouse Disney

Believe it or not, I've got pictures of all three of the girls sleeping like this!

first FAMILY photo

Bright eyed

I love her fuzz...

I can say for sure that Victoria is the final chapter of this book we call life. And what a beautiful final chapter this turned out to be!

Birth Stories Part II

2010-11-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

Ava Ryan Durgeat. A name that was thought of long before I ever married Nicolas.

Nicolas and I met online in 1998. We chatted nonstop for a while, and then I joined the military in 2000 and lost contact with my online world. It wasn't until 2002 when I'd moved into my apartment in Shreveport and had a baby Stevie that I finally reconnected with the friends that I'd chatted with so long ago. I'd remembered his yahoo screen name, and by chance, sent him a message to see if he'd remembered me. He did!

March of 2005 was when Nicolas and I really began communicating. I was tired of failed relationships. So many single, military guys my age were just in it for that one thing. Too many days I dreamed of having a ring on my finger so that people would stop seeing me as "that single mom." I wanted a daddy for Stevie. I wanted a best friend, and husband to share my life with. In fact, that was the hardest part about being a single parent - not having anyone to share those awesome firsts with... I was SOOO proud of who I'd become and all that Stevie and I had accomplished together, but there was no one there to see that!

October, 2005. I met Nicolas for the first time in person. He flew from Paris, France and spent 2 weeks with me. I remember all too well the feeling I had when he left. One of sheer panic, and heartbreak. We'd had such a wonderful time together, and now all I could do was lay on the floor and run my hands over the carpet where his suitcase had left marks. I desperately needed him in my life. I'm assuming the feeling was mutual, because he flew back for Christmas and stayed another two weeks :) And then... he came back in May when I returned from my second deployment to Diego Garcia and stayed 2 more weeks! And then... he met me on my doorstep in Germany when I got there in August 2006. And then, we kissed after exchanging vows and rings on December 29, 2006. And then I got news that I would be going to Iraq.

I'd never been on a combat deployment before. I was now, suddenly, TERRIFIED! I know I shouldn't have been... I'd seen all my other friends go and come back from Balad. I could DO this... Couldn't I? I don't know. I was in a panic! I remember reaching out to my aunt and asking for her opinion. I've always been one to follow my instincts, and something deep inside just told me that I wasn't ready. I'm not ashamed to admit that this is when I decided to add Ava to our family. If I was pregnant, they couldn't send me to Iraq! So Nicolas and I discussed it, and we tried, and we succeeded.

Many, many emotions overwhelmed me during my pregnancy with Ava. I was very concerned with how Stevie would handle the new addition. I remember telling her one morning that "God put a baby in my tummy last night!" (This, after we found out that I was for sure pregnant.) She seemed excited. I was nervous that she'd feel left out, because she carries my maiden name, while the rest of us carry the last name Durgeat. I'm happy to say that this was never an issue after Ava arrived. It was only an issue after I first got married. She's since decided to keep her last name because she loves it (and so do I!)

As an only child, I was nervous that I wouldn't love Ava as much as I loved Stevie. I didn't know how I'd possibly have enough love for TWO kids. I didn't feel as connected to Ava in the womb as I did with Stevie. I couldn't see myself bonding with her as I did with Stevie after she was born. All in all, I just didn't know what to expect - and that's so unlike me. I'm one who loves to daydream and then make those dreams come true!

I don't know when it exactly it happened, but I do remember staring at a beautiful pink sunset outside my bedroom window and a complete feeling of calm overcame me. I think God was telling me that everything would be ok, and that He'd handle the amount of love I'd need to raise TWO. hehehe... He was right!

The pregnancy was uneventful. No morning sickness, no complications. I was due on November 12th, and was totally hoping she'd come 3 days early (on my birthday!) Little did I know that she would come early... SO early that she was an October baby instead. The little brat :P

I've got a severe case of OCD... And for some reason, I couldn't get my floors clean enough at the time. On October 27th, 2007, we all went shopping and I ran across a vacuum cleaner that looked kinda cool! So we bought it, brought it home, and I did the ENTIRE house! (well, 2 bedroom apartment...) but still, there was a lot of dirt and cat hair to suck up. We had a dinner date at my boss's house that night because we wanted to introduce Stevie to them. They'd volunteered to keep her when I went to the hospital... Getting ready to head to their house, I went to pee and - voila! My water broke. We headed to my boss's house, dropped off the kid, and off to the hospital we went!

9 hours of labor from start to finish. We dubbed Ava the "Crotch Rocket" because I might have pushed 5 times before she flew out. She came so quickly that my epidural didn't work... the nurse almost dropped her cause she was so slippery... My husband had to hold a leg up because no one had time to fix any stirrups. The doctor didn't make it until it was time to give me my one stitch for tearing. See how quick and jumbled this birth story is?? That's how it really happened! QUICKLY, and jumbled hehe...

She has added an overwhelming amount of love to this family. She's got so much personality packed into her 3 yr old self, it's amazing. She's beautiful - taking after her daddy and his side of the family. She's a handful... recently becoming the middle child of our family. She's struggling to find her place again, but her severe love of life and making us laugh every day makes it possible for her to do this with grace. She loves her sisters so much, trying hard to be a reflection of Stevie while working diligently to be the best mommy to Victoria that she knows how to be. We love our little Ava Ryan.

5 pushes people... 5!

Daddy finally gets his turn to cuddle the bug.

Ava's 1st Birthday, Stevie's 6th. Look how Ava LOVES her!

We weren't bringing her dessert fast enough I guess...

I chapped many a lip kissing these sweet cheeks!

I concur, Daddy's chest is a sweet place to rest your weary head.

One of these years we'll get her a hat she can call her own!

Once upon a time, she loved her daddy.... then she became independent!

Don't you just wanna chow down on those chunky thighs??

Playing in the hose is cold - she'd much rather visit the indoor city pool (me too!)

Pig tails and grapes... if that ain't a recipe for smiles, I dunno what is!

I love this picture!

Bird lips and big eyes. She's gonna break hearts someday

Rockin' the Converse.

Had to post it...

Once upon a time, she completed our family... until we had one more :P

Birth Stories Part I

2010-11-10T02:04:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd post birth stories... get them out of my brain and in written format before I forget them. After all, I did turn 31 yesterday and memory does NOT get better with age lol!

SO... we start with Part I.

Stevie Lynn was conceived on a tiny island in the middle of the Indian Ocean. I was deployed to Diego Garcia in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in January of 2002, and I guess I got bored or something one night! Anyway... in a small tent, far far away, Stevie started her life. No - she wasn't born there... she was merely conceived there!

My pregnancy with her was one of uncertainty. It was the first time I'd ever google abortion. I was unmarried, I wasn't dating her father (thank God)... I was living in someone else's townhouse back in the US, and I didn't even own a car! How on Earth was I going to raise a baby on my own? Somehow though, I KNEW that things would be ok...

Up until I got pregnant with her, I'd quit everything I ever started. All my jobs, ballet, choir, whatever.... I quit it all. I'd just get tired of doing whatever it is I did - and I'd give it up. That was a huge reason I joined the military - I knew it was something I couldn't just quit. So it was no surprise that the most influential people in my life were so disappointed when I called home to tell them I was expecting. They were so excited when I'd joined the military, but were no so afraid that I'd ruined everything on the count of "entertaining myself" one drunken night.

I vowed to prove everyone wrong. I returned from my deployment (early,) and I set out to make a life for myself. First item on the agenda, a new home... My first apartment. A one bedroom in Shreveport, Lousiana. Next, furniture. Black, leather couches, a Wal Mart entertainment center, a K-Mart kitchen table, a queen size mattress set on a bed frame, and a crib/dresser for the baby. Then, a car. I had an awesome friend who cosigned for my 1999 Honda Accord (4 door, green in color.) I promised him I'd NEVER be late for a payment... As a matter of fact, I ended up paying it off early! Thank you SO much Scott for helping me!! My beginning was in full swing. Deep inside, I was beaming with pride... I was pulling my life together with a reason for living. God sure did bless me more than I could have hoped for. I was really looking forward to having this baby!!

Sleep, wake, eat, work, and sleep.... Fast forward to October 17th, 2002. 0530am, my friend/supervisor Keri Swalley picked me up from my apartment and we headed to the hospital. Dr. Adams decided to induce me because my blood pressure was rising. Stevie would be born 2 days before her due date :D I arrived at the hospital, checked in... and at 0700, the pitocin drip was started. Keri stayed with me, and we'd decided early that we'd keep things lighthearted and fun. She joked with me, we talked about stupid stuff.... laughed together. 0830am, the doctor came in and broke my water to get things moving farther along. It was then that the REAL fun began!

By 1130am, I was dilated to 4cm and the contractions were unbearable. Keri tried to make me laugh again, but by then I was concentrating so hard on not puking that nothing was funny anymore. The epidural was administered shortly after and life was ok once again. In fact, I was on my laptop chatting with friends throughout the rest of labor! It wasn't until 2pm when I put down the computer to start pushing! 20 minutes of my best effort, and Stevie Lynn Stroud was brought into the world.

How do I describe the flood of emotions that showed when Stevie was born? I didn't just shed 1 or 2 tears of joy. I SOBBED! She was covered in goo, but she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on. All the pain of the last 9 hours couldn't possibly compare to the love that just overflowed from my heart! My firstborn love...

It wasn't until early that evening that I was finally alone with her in our hospital room. I turned off the TV and brought her to my breast and fed her and stared down at this awesome baby and just beamed. I didn't know what life had in store for us, but I DID know that everything was going to be O K! Now, writing this 8 years later.... life is O K :)

I eat everything... NOM NOM NOM!

(she still sleeps in every direction in the bed!)

LOVE her huge, blue eyes...

Hungry, right out of the womb!

8 lbs 6 oz. Thanks for my 7 stitches with your big head, homie!

I absolutely LOVED watching her sleep...

This is how she greeted me every morning... a huge stretch, and a smile!

Owning Jillian's toys! :)

Aren't her pig tails frickin' cute?!

Took this profile picture of her in downtown Shreveport

She was a spaghetti lovin' fool :D

Coulda been on the cover of Sports Illustrated don't you think?

This picture reminds me so much of me with my father (It's Stevie with her grandfather...)

19 October, in pictures...

2010-10-22T01:08:00.000-07:00

Victoria's birthday... just too many details! Maybe someday I'll write them all out, but in the meantime... here's a brief, in pictures!

Beyond the "forbidden doors" is where the MAGIC happened! (I always laughed cause of the neon letters over the door!) Made me think I was giving birth on the strip in Vegas!

Yea, a child is born!

Oh yeah, take a picture of the time! (she was actually born at 0132am)

They cleaned her up, and then she got to meet mommy...

And then mommy had to share with Daddy... DARNIT!

Hours later, Victoria got to meet big sister, Ava. Ava fell in love.

Her baby dolls don't cuddle like she does :D

With school over and homework done, Stevie got to come up and meet Baby V. Can you see the look of wonder and amazement on her face??

Mommy's three angels... All three girls, all born in October!

A quick peek at the punk who refused to sleep in her crib. She's taking up half of mommy's hospital bed!

The pediatrician (who also examined Ava 3 years earlier), making sure the monkey is fit for the zoo!

Victoria's first bath...

I love how concerned Ava is!

A VERY jealous feline...

She's been waiting an awfully long time to fill this position :)

Oct...

2010-10-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

Eight. That's how old she turned today. I can't believe just a year ago I'd posted a birthday post about her (to include all her birthday pictures from birth through age 7! What's even more unbelievable is how big she's gotten in just the past couple of months...

Stevie started 3rd grade this year. I was having such a hard time with her in the beginning. I'm not sure if it was because I was pregnant and impatient, or too strict with her, or expected too much from her. It seemed like there was just that ONE switch that refused to come on in her brain - and it was the one I tried the hardest to flip on for her! I couldn't get her to remember to make her bed every morning... or to put her dirty clothes where they needed to go. I couldn't get her to understand that she was her little sister's only friend - and that shutting the bedroom door in her face to "play by herself" wasn't the nicest thing in the world. I crossed my eyes in frustration as Stevie couldn't grasp that it was easier to read ONE library book at a time from school, instead of one at home, one at school, one on the playground, and one for every place in between.

Then magically, one day... it happened. She started getting along with Ava! She started bringing home grades of 90 or better from school (not that she's ever had below an 80!) She started making her bed every morning without my having to ask her to. Occasionally she needs a little reminding - but she was doing it on her own finally... If we ask her to do something, it's usually met without an argument! I'm just amazed at how respectful and responsible she's turning out to be.

She finished piano lessons (as you can see from the previous post!) The recital went beautifully, with Stevie playing every single note of her three pieces correctly. She worked so hard, practiced 5 times a week (against her will) and was so excited to dress up and have her hair curled and play for a church filled with people who were there to support the kids' hard work! Thanks to Mrs. Laura Hartz for teaching Stevie about music, to appreciate it, to find it, to love it... Now, Stevie's been chosen as part of the intermediate keyboarding class at school where she'll continue to play and practie and learn at school (for free!) :D

Stevie's final week of soccer is this week... Oct 23rd will be her last game, complete with medals, certificates, and n end-of-season team party :) Hoping that her grandmother makes the drive from France on the Friday night so she can watch Stevie play in her last game and be part of the festivities!

As for today, Stevie's actual birthday, the celebration was small. With a baby sister due at just about any minute, I didn't want to deal with a HUGE celebration and tons of people - just in case we had to cancel. I got her a small cake, she got to open gifts from me and daddy, and daddy took the girls swimming for an hour or so and picked up McDonalds for lunch! Now, she's outside with her new iCarly video camera, taking videos of her friends to put on the computer later :P

The BIG birthday party will be on 30 October... Nico's family is all coming from France to visit the new baby when she arrives.... and we'll throw a huge birthday party for all three of my October girls! (and his mom!) It'll be interesting to see how 14 people fit in our little apartment, but that's the thing I love about my family... Though there are many - we are filled with love! I love being packed in, talking, hugging, laughing, spending time with one another. We'll also get to take our nephews trick or treating!! Can't wait for such a fun-filled weekend!!!

Well... below, pictures from today :) Ava insisted on helping blow out the candles. . . Fortunately she wasn't too heartbroken about the fact that there were no gifts for her. I'm glad she was such a big girl about it. Her special day will be here on the 27th!

Stevie's 8th cake

Ava help Stevie??

Stevie, wondering what to wish for...

Ava, waiting to do her job (help blow out candles!)

Proud 8 year old

Got 'em all!

...with help from sister of course!

Music to My Ears

2010-10-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

In early June of this year, I signed Stevie up for piano lessons... I've tried hard, since she was young, to give her something new to experience every year. First was ballet, then horseback riding lessons... drama club at school, science club, soccer... It was a little boy's solo piano piece at the end of school recital last year that peaked her interest in learning to play on her own. So, I set out to help her do just that.

We struggled through some of it. You've got to be very dedicated to be a student of Mrs. Laura Hartz! 5 days of practice a week.... and I have to admit that it got old playing the same song over and over... but eventually, I didn't have to kick Stevie in the butt as hard, and she took it upon herself to achieve and excel! I couldn't have been a more proud mother of my little girl...

I was so worried I'd be in the hospital for her big night tonight! Fortunately, Baby V has held out (and is still holding out UNFORTUNATELY!) But I got to dress Stevie up, and watch as she rocked her three pieces... Lightly Row, French Children's Song, and Little Playmates. Below are pictures of her big debut (standby for video uploads... they're HUGE files!) - enjoy!

I Love Home

2010-10-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

We recently purchased a used, but bigger dining room table. Nico went today to pick it up... It was bittersweet for me to take the legs off of our 4-seater dining room table. Silly right? It's JUST a table. I bought it from k-mart about 7 years ago when it was just me and Stevie living in a 1 bedroom apartment in Shreveport, LA. Funny thing is, we never even used it! I just bought it cause a house was supposed to have a table.

When I met Nicolas, he insisted that dining happened at the table. It was so weird for me, to be sitting face to face with people at a table... almost intimidating! I was so used to Happy Meals at the coffee table in front of whatever good show was playing that night. Eating at the dining room table took a lot of getting used to. Once it was a habit though, it just felt right. Saved on staining the carpet as well!

Soon, 3 seats were used at the table... then 4. I smiled as that old dining room table filled up with people that belonged to my loving family. So maybe you can see why it was bittersweet to take it apart today so it could be stored in the basement until I can find a buyer.

Nico brought the bigger table home, a 6-seater. After everything was put together, he took the girls to the store with him and I stayed home to do a little more cleaning. Several times, I stopped in the doorway of my dining room and smiled at the new table. Why did we need bigger? Well because Victoria is coming to be with us of course! I smiled at the thought that we will actually USE this table... I smiled at all the burps that will happen, all the lectures to "EAT YOUR FOOD!" and all the smiles that our children will bring us over the next few years... all sitting at this table. I smiled inside as my heart swelled, knowing that since the purchase of my very first dining room table, I'd gained a family... and I'd made a home. Oh, how I love home.

Swamp Safari-ish?

2010-09-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, on my meager budget, we can't afford a HUGE house with a bedroom for each kid :P so Victoria is bunking with us until she's old enough to share a room with Ava. I knew she wouldn't have anything vivid in color, as she's in our room and I didn't want a huge eye-sore in there! So I found neutral colors to go with the wood that our furniture is made of - and recently purchased bedding for our bed that color coordinated with her crib bedding :)

Here's some pictures of her corner - all decorated and ready for her!!

Athena, ready to be a nanny again!

A close-up of the safari animals on Victoria's bedding

The only thing missing is the baby!!

Our room :)

Still Waiting...

2010-09-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

I'll be 37 weeks on Tuesday of next week, and we're STILL WAITING! :)

I'm secretly hoping she'll come early, as Ava did! Hoping she holds out until the 1st or after though because I'd like all three girls to be born in October.

Had my doctor's appointment last week. I'm 1cm dilated, and the cervix has begun softening... doctor said while labor is not quite imminent, that when it decides to begin, it will be a quick process! YAY! Both my other girls were about 9 hours, start to finish... so as long as Victoria follows in their footsteps, we'll be rockin'!

Stay tuned... I'll keep everyone posted.

A Family of Floozies

2010-09-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, Stevie was 2. She REALLY loved to play dressup, so I bought her some "floozie" clothes and she rocked those like a pro. Never in a million years did I think she'd be passing those clothes on to the next floozie in the family :) I love my floozies!

Floozie 1

Floozie 2

Bitburg Purple Panthers

2010-09-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

Stevie had her second soccer game of the season this morning and did MUCH better! Her team seemed to learn from previous mistakes, and went on to beat the Spangdahlem Yellowjackets (by how much exactly, I'm not sure.) They frustrated the other goalie so much that he had to take a time out to cry a little. *I'm not laughing, I promise.*

Not sure Ava was as thrilled with this game. We didn't take the time to make sure she was entertained this time... I felt like it was a more important lesson for her to realize that SOMETIMES, she's gotta be there to support her sister... She did ok though - she kicked the ball around behind us, and came to sit and warm her hands with me a few times. Was a chilly morning!

Anyway - a couple pictures from today's festivities:

WAY TO GO STEVIE!!

What?

Ava play soccer toooooo....

Stevie and Ava catching some game together :)

Stevie's First Soccer Game

2010-09-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

9/11/10. Stevie's first soccer game. In the youth league, they don't keep score (it's not the winning or losing that counts, but how you play the game!) So I can't tell you who won. I DID hear some really great things coming from her though on the way to lunch afterwards... she'd noticed her teams mistakes, and talked about the things they needed to work on for the next game.

Here's a few pictures from the big day :)

Coach has team spirit, yes she do!

Can you tell by her face that she was focused??

A little action shot...

Go Stevie! GET IT!!

Taking a 2nd quarter break

Hey, where's MY team?!

This is way better than spectating...

I did it! (she went up the ladder and down the slide...)

Mommy and Ava taking a break...

Where Were You?

2010-09-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

I think it's pretty safe to assume that NO ONE who lived through the events of 9-11-01 will forget... Where were you on this historic morning?

I remember it like it happened yesterday. I was still a brand new airman in the USAF, having served just over a year. I was participating in a NORI (Nuclear Operational Readiness Inspection) at Barksdale AFB, LA. I was part of the UCC (Unit Control Center) where I was responsible for running an operations desk, keeping track of pilots and planes, and sounding the alarm when it was time for the pilots to head to their jets for takeoff. NORI's and CORI's (conventional operational readiness inspections) are more like "war games" for those not familiar.

On the morning of 9-11-01, breakfast had just finished. It was the last day of the exercise, and we were all on edge, waiting for the alarm to sound so that the pilots could run to their jets in Baywatch-like perfection so they could start up, take off, and land in record time. Pilots were sitting in the breakroom, in the dining area, and some were gathered around the desk where I worked. The guys in the dining area were watching Fox News, while others were playing nintendo or catching up on the latest reality TV with us in the UCC. In the middle of a perfectly normal and exciting morning, one of the pilots walked into the UCC area and asked us to put it on Fox News.

The first plane had already struck. We watched in amazemenet, wondering how a pilot could have been so blind as to not have seen a tower in his flight path. We shook our heads in disappointment and frustration for the passengers on board who had surely lost their lives... In the middle of contemplating the cause of this horrible "accident," we watched as on LIVE TV, the second plane hit the second tower. Our mouths hit the floor as one of our pilots stated "this is no accident."

I ran to the break room in the back and told the pilots sitting there playing video games to put it on the news... In that short amount of time standing there with them, the news panned over to the Pentagon where a 3rd plane had struck. We all began to panic in our personal silences... all wondering what the next target would be, who was attacking us, and why?!

I ran from break room to dining room to UCC and back again. I watched as pilots with family in New York took out their cell phones and made calls... We all screamed in disgust as CNN made the announcement that President Bush was detouring his flight into Barksdale to make a statement on the events (stupid media... how could they tell these attackers where the President was headed?!) Meanwhile, I stopped walking... my feet were planted behind the UCC desk, and I just kind of sunk into myself. I stood there, not blinking, my mouth open, listening to the chatter among all of my airmen and the buzz of news channels in the background. The base was put on lockdown. It was the action of one pilot in particular that brought it home for me... Capt Kyle Benwitz was one of my flight schedulers at the 96th Bomb Squadron, and he was standing behind the UCC desk with me that morning. He placed his hand on my shoulder and asked "Airman Stroud, are you ok?" I just kind of looked through him and said no, I don't think I am! I called home. Then I took a deep breath, stuck my chin out and said alright... this is it!

No, I will definitely never forget that morning. I will never forget watching, and the moment we realized it was no accident. I will never forget seeing the thousands of images of people running from falling towers. I will never forget the fear of not knowing how many more attacks would happen. 9 years later, I'm still serving in the military. I've deployed 3 times in support of wars that began with the attacks of that day.

So I ask, where were you?

The Place Where I Go...

2010-09-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

When the world seems huge, and I seem small...

I was sitting here on the couch tonight, wasting my life away on facebook. I couldn't help but watch though, as Ava stole my heart yet again. Stevie's sleeping at a friend's house, so it was just the two of us here. Ava asked to turn off the TV so she could turn on the radio and dance. Lord, thank you for giving me these moments with her - they take me to that place I need to be when the world seems huge, and I seem small.

She twirled in circles, face lifted to the sky and hands flying all around her. She laughed, and giggled and didn't stop for 20 minutes or more. Almost brought tears to my eyes to see the pure innocence in the room... She even stopped for a moment to grab her butt, shake it side to side and sing "shake your boooty, shake your booty!" Every now and then, she'd yell out "Look me mommy!" I didn't have to look though, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her and love her, because she made my world so small - we were the only two that existed.

One twirl too many and the moment came crashing to a halt... Dizziness tackled Ava to the floor where she bonked her head. 830pm anyway, time for bed. :) 849 now, and nothing but silence from her room. Goodnight baby girl, I LOVE you!

Hangin' with Mr. Cooper

2010-08-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

Stevie started 3rd grade today. Biggest new thing is that it's a traditional 3rd grade class, where she's been in the Primary Center for the last two years. The primary center is a mix of grades 1-3, and it allows the children to work at the pace that suits them best. Stevie has been advanced since she was born it seems, so to work at a 3rd grade level while she was in 1st and 2nd helped her tremendously. At the advice of her teacher, we decided to place her in a regular 3rd grade setting this year to prevent her from getting lazy (or LAZIER!) in her work :P

Stevie's 1st day of 3rd grade!

Stevie found out that Mr. Cooper would be her teacher this year, and she was excited... her first year to have a MALE teacher! She's stoked about the opportunity to eat snacks during class, and to have a bottle of water on her desk throughout the day. The first thing she mentioned when I got home from work is how EASY the homework was (well love, it's only the first day!) hehe... I do hope, though, that she continues to love school and that things continue to be easy for her. Will be a challenging couple of months as my pregnancy nears the end, as Stevie starts and finishes soccer, and as her piano lessons finish in a mid-October recital at the church in Metterich. Life should be smooth sailing in November! :)

7 Going on 17

2010-08-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

I guess it's only fair that I include a blog about Stevie since it seems I'm ALWAYS writing about Ava. I love them both equally, it just feels that with Ava being so young and experiencing new things for the first time, there's more to write about with her.

I'll have to write a separate post later... I'd planned on taking a video of Stevie performing her first piano piece that she's learned to play. She's doing SO great at piano. She's picking up all of the terminology, learning to read the music... understanding things with the same great comprehension that she's had since birth! So stay tuned with an updated blog/video of her playing! :)

Stevie started soccer clinic this week. One day a few months back, we were driving down the road and she told me "Mom, I suck at kicking a ball!" Well, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm the last person who can help her play sports. I was the choir nerd, who excelled in computer arts in high school. I ducked from the volleyball, avoided the basketball... and always got tagged out first in dodgeball! SO - I signed her up with the experts to learn to play soccer. This week she's playing with a team who came down from the UK to teach her.


Stevie, protecting the goal

Great block kiddo!

Ok, so she doesn't ALWAYS have her eye on the ball!

The same company that taught David Beckham to play when he was a kid! How exciting is that :) Unfortunately, her practices this week are 3 hours every afternoon - so we let her walk to/from those on her own with her friends... I'll be there for games on Saturdays though when they start in September! I can't wait to see how much she's learned and if she's a great player :) She seems to really be enjoying it though. I do know from the hour I did stay on the first day, that teamwork is a key lesson that she's learning from this. She was playing goalie position the other day and wasn't paying attention at ALL when another kid scored... A little boy on her team took one look at her and said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I smiled a little smile, but on the inside I was praising that kid for teaching her in ONE line what I've been trying to teach her in 7.5 years of life! GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR BUTT KID! :P

Little sister even got some face time with the coaches when she returned the ball from the sidelines while Mommy continued taking pictures :)

Stevie's had an extremely busy summer. Every year, we pay for her to attend summer programs at the youth center. She gets to hang out with friends, work on arts/crafts, go on field trips, etc. The last week of summer programs was actually a camp called King's Camp, which is hosted by individuals who come down from the UK as well. King's Camp was just awesome for the kids. The adult coaches who came down were so full of energy and life and they got all the kids involved... Stevie slept so hard every night of that week!

Stevie had a week of Vacation Bible School this summer, where they focused on learning about Joseph. The theme was something Egyptian. Ava really loved going to pick Stevie up because we'd always get there 5 or 10 minutes early and we'd get to wait at the back of the church and listen to all the kids sing and pray. So every day Ava would say "We're gonna go see Stevie dance?" :)

Stevie spent a week in France with Nico's mother too! Was my first time giving her away for a WHOLE week by herself. She was such a big girl as we hugged at the train station in Luxembourg. She boarded the train with her grandmother and rode for 2.5 hours to Paris. From there, it was on to a subway, to the car, and the vacation was on! They did so much!! I think Stevie loved the simplicity of farm life though, as she spent countless hours in the yard, finding grasshoppers and lizards with her cousins. I'm so glad she had such a fabulous time.

In just a week and a half, Stevie will be starting 3rd grade. Despite the fairytale that this entire blog seems to sound like, I've reached a seriously tough time with parenting Stevie :( Parenting is supposed to be full of Santa Clauses and tooth fairies... and smiles, and CANDY!! But I've found myself in the middle of a huge puzzle... I have to find some way to help Stevie learn common sense. She's always been SO so book smart. Playing computer games at age 2... reading at a 4th grade level in 2nd grade. Potty trained at 19 months. She's ALWAYS been intelligent. But I've found lately that it's the simple stuff that she can't figure out for herself. So we're trying - it's slow and frustrating... but God willing, we'll help her past this hurdle too and she'll continue being the happy, healthy, beautiful girl she's always been!

Her First Day

2010-08-19T05:39:00.000-07:00

Breakfast for the road

17 August 2010. Ava started German kindergarten on this day!

At 0730, Mommy, Daddy and Stevie loaded up in the van to accompany Ava on her trip to Wismannsdorf (about 10 minutes from our house) to where her school is located. Ava was absolutely excited, from bedtime the night before - ALL the way until we got to the school! When we pulled up in the parking lot, Ava took one look at the building and excitedly proclaimed "SCHOOL!!! YAY!!!" (deep in my mommy brain though, I knew what lurked behind the walls of that happy building!)


Ava's kindergarten!

Once inside, all of the teachers were so excited to welcome her, not realizing that Ava is by no means a "morning person" and definitely needs about an hour of personal time/space to come around! All of the smiles and wide eyes from everyone just kind of pushed her over the edge. She hung on tightly to her new Tinkerbell backpack, and cried when one of the teachers offered to take it for her. There was a bit of a death grip on mommy's leg as well as she whimpered "Mommy, wait me!" (she didn't want me to leave her.) :(

So... I unpacked her breakfast and her cup of chocolate milk and tried to get her to sit down and eat breakfast with the other little kids...

But she was having no part of it. She knew that the little red chair meant she was staying, and I was leaving. So we smiled one more time for daddy's camera...

Well, I smiled anyway... and then it was a quick hug/kiss for Daddy and sister so they could make their exit. I waited behind another 10 minutes... walked her to her classroom and tried to occupy her worries with puzzles, books, and her beloved baby stroller that she "claimed" at orientation a couple of months ago! She finally settled into playing house with Ms. Maggie, her teacher and I made a silent exit. She did great for the rest of her first day!

Second morning - she woke up TOTALLY excited to go to school. Got dressed, rode with daddy, hugged and kissed him goodbye and galloped off to find the teddy bear she'd adopted the day before and eagerly picked up where she left off! She had so much fun on the second day in fact, she cried because she didn't want to leave :o

Today was her third day of school... I had to wake her up, or else she would have overslept. (anyone who's had to wake a NON morning toddler knows that personal hell!) She zombie-walked to the couch where she threw herself down and grumbled "I no wanna go school..." but I managed to get her clothes on her and when she was dressed with shoes on her spirits picked up a little. I drove her this morning, and had to spend some time reassuring her that I'd be back at noon to pick her up. She finally gave me a goodbye kiss and let me go willingly :) When I picked her up, she had been playing in the gymnastics room with the other kids, running/jumping/climbing and LAUGHING!

Might I also include that while driving her to school this morning, she was sitting in her carseat, hugging her Tinkerbell bag... I absolutely LOVE Ava's little munchkin voice, and this morning made me love it even more... I looked at her in the mirror and she smiled up at me and said "Mommy, I so happy!" Awww... CRY!

Goofy Goober...

2010-08-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Ava's vocabulary has just exploded, as well as her personality! Here's some random goofy that we experience on a daily basis:

"Ava, what shape are the car's wheels?"
She puts her finger on her lips and looks up at the ceiling and says "uhmmmm... I THINK, CIRCLE!"

I love coming home from work... she hears the door open and then here come the pitter-patter of little feet, followed by "MOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMY!" Man, if only it stopped there. I prefer to have a little bit of ME time when I get home... but no, Ava says it isn't so. "Mommy, I need to tell you sumfing.... Mommy, I need to show you sumfing..."

Ava's got an addiction to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She could seriously sing it 1,000,000 times a day and not be sick of it. However, if you try to steal the mic away from her, she loudly proclaims "HUSH!" (moreso if sister does it.)

I opened the fridge the other night to get a drink of water before bed to find Ava's babydoll bottle on the top shelf next to the milk. Hey, even toys need COLD milk!

When she's hungry, she lets you know it! The other night she climbed up in her chair at the table and crossed her arms and told daddy "I need dinner!"

Maybe I'll convince her to let me do her hair for school eh?

So amazing to see her personality... I do admit that she got 10x the genes that came from Nicolas and I (and not the better half of the pool either!) She's extremely adorable but holy crap... she's a handful! Love her nonetheless, and can't wait to see what kind of awesome big sister she's going to make :)

A Child's Eyes

2010-08-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

It's truly amazing how children perceive things... after some time to think about Ava's comments on my doctor's appointment the other day, I've come to appreciate the true beauty and miracle of life.

03 August was a routine doctor's appointment for me. I was 29 weeks exactly! I was excited, as it was Ava's first time to come with me, and she'd get to see her baby sister on the screen (or TV as she calls it!) We started out in the waiting area, where we named the colors of the walls, pointed out all the shapes and numbers we saw, and explored the potty just down the hall. Pretty soon, the doctor called us in and the fun began!

Ava's "evil eyes" were on! She HATES the doctor, after seemingly never escaping an immunization or shot every time she's there. So she watched out of the corner of glaring eyes as the doctor took my blood pressure and weighed me. Once she realized she was safe from examination, she lightened up a little!

Next stop, ultrasound! I laid down on the table and pulled up my shirt to expose the belly... Ava took a seat on the table by the bed and daddy did a good job of explaining everything. "You have to look here, or here to see the baby on the TV!" A little squeeze of cold jelly, and the doctor pulled out the magic wand and there she was!! Little Victoria on the big screen... Ava recognized the image right away, as I'd showed her pictures before of what she looked like.

Amazed I was with Ava's descriptions... The speakers came on, and Victoria's tiny heartbeat filled the room. Like every noise, Ava immediately said "is that an airplane?" Daddy said "No! That's the baby's heart..." Ava looked on the screen and the visual of the heartbeat was on the bottom of the screen, and Ava said "Look! Mountains!" (refer to picture below to see the mountains she spoke of)

By the way, these ultrasound pictures in this particular entry aren't mine. We walked away without pictures at this appointment :( HOPING to get some 4D pictures of the baby at our 26 August appointment.

Anyway... the doctor scanned over all the organs before she moved on to my lower veins. Measuring the bloodflow, checking for compression, etc. Once the colors came up on the screen Ava said "Look! A raaaaainbow!"

Again, not an actual picture of my appointment. Just wanted you to get an idea of the colors used in the ultrasounds... This particular picture shows the blood flow in an umbilical cord.

I was truly amazed at how Ava could incorporate things as beautiful as mountains and rainbows into something as magical as the creation of life! I absolutely love her point of view :)

The End of an Era

2010-07-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day... 26 July 2010, friends from afar will gather at Cypress Creek Church in Wimberley, TX to bid farewell to THE greatest woman I've ever known. It's truly the end of an era... An era filled with happiness... with defeats, and triumphs... hard work, tears, smiles, fears, miles traveled, family loved... She lived such a complete, and whole life. She was honest and loyal, hard working and God fearing. Victoria Taylor is the example of what a person should strive to be. God rest her soul... Goodbye Vicki, we love you.

05 Nov 1950 - 18 Jul 2010

2010-07-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

There are no words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flEgIM8etm8